Archive for the ‘Straight Laced’ Category

JAMES BROWN TRIBUTE PARTY 2.10.07

Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007

keistar flyer

Only a little over a week away…

MUGSHOT HAIRSTYLE MODELS: THE GODFATHER

Wednesday, December 27th, 2006

junglegroove

The Godfather of Soul was the O.G. inspiration for these Mugshot Hairstyle Model posts way back when. Since the first time that J.B. has been pinched by the po-po many other celebs have found themselves behind the bright lights and sharp lens of the district attorney’s fingerprinter. MICHAEL JACKSON, NICK NOLTE, JESSE JACKSON and MARV ALBERT have all been featured as guest celebrities for these spots. I wish that we were featuring JAMES BROWN under better circumstances. Isn’t it somewhat ironic that another arrest would be better than the knowledge that he is gone from us forever?

One of the things that we will take with us is that JAMES BROWN was hardbody all the time. The same intensity that he used to create his hard driving music was also the same focus that he used to perform. JAMES BROWN wasn’t about to take shit from anybody, not from lackluster bandmembers, not from sheisty lawyers that tried to take his loot, not from from southern police officers and never from any of his wives. JAMES BROWN was quick to put his boot in woman’s azz. I believe that’s called getting ‘On The Good Foot’. I respect a man that keeps his broads in check whether or not they will call the police on him. A man’s got to stand for something or these chicks will walk all over him.

The Godfather is gone from us now but his legacy will be that of one of America’s greatest artists evar. He’ll also hold a spot close to our hearts for being that man that just didn’t give a fuck what you said to him about his hair.

jb KING HEROIN
After JAMES BROWN’s most productive years during the 1960’s aqnd early 1970’s he fell into problems with the law and with drugs. All kinds of drug busts from pot to coke to LSD almost turned J.B. into a caricature of his former stately self. What could never be denied was the fact that his musical talent was pre-eminent. The JAMES BROWN sound was a staple for break beat deejays and anybody who wanted to get a party started right.

jb THE CHASE 1988
Peep the story… J.B. might be a little hopped up on pain medication when he busts into an occupied rental office in a building he owns. Apparently someone has been using the restroom in his private office. J.B. wants to know who the offending party is. To facilitate the truth he brings his little friend Mr.Mossburg (a shotgun) with him. A high speed chase ensues across county and state lines and back again until the police finally shoot out the wheels to J.B.’s whip.

jb EX-WIFEY #3
Kick azz shows aren’t the only times that J.B. gets on the good foot. When one of his wives gets out of pocket J.B. puts his boots down so hard that poppa usually needs a new pair of shoes afterward.

jb EX-WIFEY #4
Approaching his seventies and still as hardbody as a South Carolina slave. JAMES BROWN has been pinched for d.v. more than anyone that I can think of. The police shouldn’t even waste their time unless someone gets killed. J.B. always makes up with these broads anyhoo.

JAMES BROWN’s SOUL KITCHEN…

Tuesday, December 26th, 2006

unity

I can’t front and act like I was always down with the funky sound of JAMES BROWN. Yeah, I knew how often his music was sampled for the Hip-Hop music that I grooved to the most, but there was still a large disconnect that I had with JAMES BROWN’s music. It’s no small stretch to say that JAMES BROWN is the father of modern day popular dance music. When you listen to a J.B. song there are two things I can guarantee. It will be funky, and that funk will make you move your body.

Let me begin with my teenage years at the Times Square nightclub Latin Quarter. One of the popular songs for Red Alert’s Saturday night party was made by Super Lover Cee and Casanova Rud. The song was called ‘Do The James’ and it referenced the Hip-Hop dance called the James Brown. The dance was based on J.B.’s signature move of sliding across the stage on one foot. There were several dances that you had to do during those days including the head shaking Wop, the goofy Pee Wee Herman, The suave Cameo slide, the high jumping Fila and the energetic James Brown. When the Super Lover Cee song was mixed through the speakers was when you had to do your version of the James Brown. I wasn’t as good a dancer as the kids from I.O.U. were, but I had an extremely high flattop haircut and freshly ironed Girbaud slacks with a crisp Polo rugby so I wasn’t trying to play the wall either.

8 x avirex

Even though so much of the music that I loved owed an unrequited debt to JAMES BROWN’s musical genius I had no greater appreciation for him than the skits performed by EDDIE MURPHY I remembered from Saturday Night Live. There was that song he did in Rocky 7 or whatever. It would be several years before I would come to understand exactly how influential JAMES BROWN was to everyone that was making music in the 1980’s from R & B to new wave, to disco and gospel. It was all contained within the evolution of jazz into funk. JAMES BROWN was that COUNT BASIE, DUKE ELLINGTON, LOUIS ARMSTRONG, MILES DAVIS type of musician and so much more. He also knew that music held the key to educate and inspire it’s listeners so he unabashedly tackled social issues like race, drug addiction and poverty.

When the 1990’s came around New York City was without a specific Hip-Hop club. Mars on West 13th Street tried to fill that void with their ‘TRIP’ parties while a host of promoters would have loft parties on Broadway in the SoHo area. One of these parties called ‘Payday’ had an interesting mix of promoters who were classic and current Hip-Hop fans. They hired a dee jay named FRANKIE INGLESE to spin for their small Monday night party at Brother’s Bar-B-Cue. The party was primarily a cool out for the music industry people that worked in the neighborhood. Doors opened at 10pm and there were free bar-b-cue wings along with quarts of Colt 45 sold for a ridiculous three dollars. Suffice it to say this was my Monday evening dinner party.

FRANKIE INGLESE kept it funky all night. Classic hits from Parliament Funkadelic, the Meters, Sly and The Family Stone, Average White Band, Rufus, Rick James and so many other great musicians played on through the night. FRANKIE had the original 12 inch vinyl records for all the music that rappers were sampling. He even had stuff that hadn’t been discovered yet by Hip-Hoppers. This was where I first heard the extended version of JAMES BROWN’s ‘The Big Payback’. It’s a song so rich and complex with melodies that several songs have been sampled from that record and most of them sound different from one another. It was as if you could get an endless amount of samples from one JAMES BROWN record.

jb

If you wanted to become a Hip-Hop producer then Franky Jackson’s Soul Kitchen became the only party that you needed to attend. There was a moment when everyone who was involved in Hip-Hop was coming to this party. I credit this party with restoring the popularity of artists like GEORGE CLINTON, WILSON PICKETT, BOOSTY COLLINS and MACEO PARKER, but bigger than all of those guys was the man who inspired their music. Franky Jackson’s Soul Kitchen helped me appreciate why JAMES BROWN was called ‘The Godfather’.

JAMES BROWN deserved extra credit for his bandleading and musical composition abilities since he never learned how to read music. He employed classically trained musicians that were familiar in styles like swing and jazz and they would help him translate the desired notes and charts to the other bandmembers. The key to JAMES BROWN’s music were his rhythm tracks and the fact that he did not employ chord changes. His improvisational use of the horn section was also signature. Because his instrumentation was so uniform and tight there has been no one sampled in Hip-Hop more than JAMES BROWN.

In the summer of 1997 JAMES BROWN performed a concert in NYC’s Central Park. This was the only time that I saw him perform and it was worth twice the money of the ticket even though I snuck in. JAMES BROWN lived up to his other nickname as the hardest working man in show business. He never stopped dancing for his over two hour set. Hit after hit rained down from the stage and this might have been the one time in my life that I saw people in their twenties dancing with those in their seventies. JAMES BROWN’s groove was that universal and that transcendent. Heaven was already a swingin’ joint with a touch of jazz. This Christmas, GOD gave Heaven a funky president for a present.

R.I.P. JAMES BROWN

jb

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM SCARLETT JOHANSSON’s Crotchless Panties…

Sunday, December 24th, 2006

scarlett

Whenever I think of Christmas I think of having a few days off from work to run around my apartment naked and chase my girlfriend. In the end Christmas is the celebration of childbirth. And how do you make a child in the first place (don’t answer this if your MARY CHENEY)?

If the infant baby JESUS could chose any womb to exit from I’ll lay odds that he’d chose one of these wombs that I want to enter…

scarlett SCARLETT JOHANSSON
After watching SCARLETT in ‘Match Point’ is when I knew I would have to get me some of that yum-yum-ooo-tang. She was licking her lips and rolling her eyes and just playing the role of a sexy whore. I was never really checking for her too tough at first because she didn’t have an azz as plump as ANGELINA, and she didn’t have that ‘Norway stunner’ look that UMA rocks, but now I have come full circle and I’m giving mad props to Ms. JOHANSSON.

CIARA
Remember when everybody was saying that CIARA had a penis? It turned out that she has an extra large labia which isn’t even that uncommon after all. Plus you know Bow Wow was too busy fucking around with video games and toys instead of wearing this young tail out like he should have been. CIARA is begging to be worn out like a pair of Payless pumps. She wants you to throw her around and pee on her six pack stomach. Good for you CIARA that I just drunk four cups of green tea and my bladder is having wild spasms. Let’s bang it up lil’ mama.
ciara

tricia TRICIA HELFER a/k/a Number 6
This is my little futuristic intergalactic cyborg beat box. If you aren’t fucking with Battlestar Galactica yet you need to get up on that shit. This chick alone makes the program worth watching. She’s a total cocktease and a kick azz malevolent bitch all wrapped up in the same package. The best part is that she’s a robot so if you wanted to azz rape her with a leather belt around her neck it wouldn’t be a crime, because technically, robots aren’t considered human even if they have a soul.

SANAA LATHAN
A few years back DENZEL turned out this little fine piece of chocolate tail so badly that she had to go get ‘Something New’. SANAA filled the void in Black cinema that NIA LONG had on smash in the early 1990’s. I’m not saying that NIA motherfucking LONG couldn’t still get her weave pulled while I aired her out from behind, but SANAA is just a little more sexy with her clef chin.

In my book a clef chin = cum cup.

sanaa

vanessa williams VANESSA WILLIAMS
Ugly Betty’s boss, VANESSA WILLIAMS, is forever my lady like that Jodeci song, except I won’t be kidnapping her and burning Newport cigarettes on her nipples like Mr.Dalvin does, allegedly. She was my first Valentine love. I’ve been patiently waiting for VANESSA for over twenty years and I will wait another twenty if that’s what it takes for her to be mine. I can see myself giving Miss America (that’s what I call her) a sponge bath when she’s 80. She is going to be fine for all of eternity.

MERRY CHRISTMAS From SPRINT POWERVISION…

Sunday, December 24th, 2006

lgfusic

For the last year Sprint has been the exclusive telecommunications provider to the staff at DALLASPENN Dot Com. We used several different models of the Power Vision supported Samsung equipment as well as the new LG “FUSIC” device. We thank Sprint for their continued sponsorship of the website and we hope the new year finds us in a better place with our overall tech portfolio.

If any of you readers have a Best Buy hook up holler black at your boy.

samsung SAMSUNG A920
The Samsung A 900 series holds MP3 files and photographs on a micro memory card. Since I already have an iPod I didn’t use the phone to listen to music. Actually, for the six month promotional period the phone helped me maintain the website. It had a fully functional web browser that supported HTML code so I could make revisions to posts and join comment threads when I wasn’t ever near a PC. The cellphone was wildly reliable too.

BLACKBERRY 7500’s
I want a Blackberry just so I can look important. What the hell did we do as a civilization before the advent of these devices. When people say, “keep in touch”, it has less and less to do with human contact anymore. The Wall Street Journal has a funny story about parents who would rather relate to their Blackberry phones than their kids. I want that for my life too.
blackberry

ps2 PLAYSTATION 2
As far as gaming systems are concerned, the PS 2 is a relic, but I am cool with that anyhoo. I just want to play Grand Theft Auto for hours on end until my fat arse welds itself to my leather couch. After several years in the same position I will become one with my couch. The emergency service workers will have to put me and my couch into the ambulance together. In the operating room they would confuse my stomach with the buttery soft couch leather and I would lose so much blood that I end up dying in the hospital. But right before I die I whisper, “Rosebud”.

MEMORY CARD + FLASH DRIVE
If you humps really loved me then you would get me one of these bad boys. These flash drive memory card collabos help me keep the website mobile. 1 Gigabyte drive holds music files and tons of wacky photos. The 512MB memory card goes into my still camera that I use to take candid pictures of homeless people and my sneakers. I’ll be selling sponsorship opportunities to the website early this year. How about having a category at DP Dot Com being named after you? Poppa needs a new pair of shoes.
flash drive

the wire RADIO FREQUENCY I.D. IMPLANTS
The image shows an RFID transmitter and the tiny scar on your hand where the transponder is implanted. When I was a little kid I remember the crazy Seventh Day Adventists referring to the ‘Mark Of The Beast’ and how we would all have to accept it in order to trade and barter in the new world order. It makes all the sense to me now since I see that we are moving closer to a single global monetary system and the reactionary political forces are limiting the free movement of people and information. Merry Christmas bitches.