Archive for the ‘Fashion Faux Pas’ Category

Baseball Just Doesn’t Give a BUCK (2006 B.W.A. Nominee)

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006

who gives a buck

L.M., P-City, TONY and RAFI are the only losers readers visiting this crappy website that still care about beisbol so this post is for them. No brokeback, of course.

What is all of this noise about concerning JOHN JORDAN ‘BUCK’ O’NEIL and his omission from the Major League Basebal Hall of Fame. BUCK must have one of the best rabbis on his home team, because I have never seen the New York Times fellate a Black man this much since they pulled their silver spoons out for MALCOLM GLADWELL’s ballsachs. Although, since MALCOLM is a tragic mulatto I guess that doesn’t really count as Black then does it?

All this liberal boohooing and handwringing is coming from the very same sportswriters that have elected NOT to vote BUCK into baseball’s prestigious Hall of Fame. Well if all of you sage and just writers really wanted this old codger to be able to smell the roses while he was still breathing you would have voted for him. No sense in giving a Black any credit while they are alive anyhoo I guess. Just look at how 3-6-MAFIA acted.

GEORGE VECSEY waxed poetically about how the sky would have opened up and baseball might have finally exorcised all of the ghosts of greatness overlooked and most times outright denied.

GEORGE needs to stop smoking that WHITNEY HOUSTON, or to keep things in a baseball perspective, stop sniffing my man DWIGHT GOODEN’s white pudding. BUCK O’NEIL is a pioneer that’s for sure, and there are many other Negro Leaguers that played the greatest pasttime with verve and skill. The Hall of Fame should recognize all of the Negro League players. For a select few of them skin color was the least of their disabilities.


RONNY ‘TURKEY LEG’ JENKINS

the 1920 stars

RONALD JENKINS was from a small Tennessee coal mining town. At the age of 16 he lost part of his left leg in a mule cart accident, but that didn’t deter him from pursuing his dream of playing baseball. He fashioned a prosthetic limb for himself made with scrap wood from the dining room table in his parents’ house. He promised his parents that one day he would return to them with a new table so that they wouldn’t have to eat dinner sitting on the floor any longer.

turkey leg

RONNY was well known for his grace in the outfield, but it was his world class speed that would make him a Hall of Fame caliber Negro Leaguer. RONNY set records in the league for stolen bases during 4 consecutive seasons. He averaged more than 3 steals per game in three of those years. It wasn’t unreasonable for RONNY to score from first on an infield ground ball to the pitcher. RONNY would swipe third so often it was renamed ‘Turkey base’

turkey

Much fuss was made of the incident where RONNY’s prosthetic leg failed during a game and he had the wherewithall to hop all the way to home plate. RONNY played for the Detroit Stars for twelve years and he came to be regarded as one of the clutch players in the league. RONNY’s smooth style on the field was complemented by his grace off the field. After his retirement he became a local celebrity in the Detroit swingdancing scene.

turkey leg



EVERETT ‘BAT MAN’ BAILEY
bat man

Of all the unsung Negro League heroes the ‘BAT MAN’ is my personal favorite. He played for the Kansas City Monarchs during the same years as BUCK and SATCHEL PAIGE did. EVERETT was no ordinary ball player because he was completely blind. A childhood disease had robbed him of his eyesight, but not of his spirit or his will to play the game. EVERETT was Kansas City’s second best pitcher next to SATCHEL PAIGE

satch

You ask how Everett was able to pitch despite the fact that he was 100% blind and I tell you that he was a genius. LARRY BROWN, the great Negro League catcher would yell to EVERETT, telling him if the batter was left or right-handed, tall or short. All EVERETT had to do was rear back and release his fastball. What gave EVERETT an extra level of unorthodoxy was the fact that he would release the pitch as he jumped into the air.

bat man

Surprisingly enough, EVERETT had an extremely low rate of hit batsmen and a high number of strikeouts. Between EVERETT BAILEY and SATCHEL PAIGE you were lucky to get on base when you played the Monarchs. But the real reason that I liked the ‘BAT MAN’ so much was because he was a prolific hitter. The ‘BAT MAN’ hit over .400 for his career. Can you imagine how good he might have been if he could have seen the ball?!?

bat man

The ‘BAT MAN’ used the son of the team’s equipment manager as his assistant. He trained his ears to respond to only that voice in a crowded ballpark of thousands, maybe millions. The young man would scream out two words descrptions of the pitches that were being hurled and with that information the ‘BAT MAN’ was able to make contact with the ball. Getting around the bases was another issue and the ‘BAT MAN’ was usually replaced with a pinch runner after he had stumbled to first base and the play had been stopped. That is why the rule exists today that when a player is replaced by a pinch runner he has to leave the game.

It’s not as though I am hating on BUCK O’NEIL its just that there are many players from the Negro Leagues that have left an indelible mark on this game The fact that there aren’t too many Blacks who are into baseball now is another reason that I am loathe to bequeath an honor upon another jig sportsman. If BUCK O’NEIL could bring some of that crap music jig bling money into the stadiums then maybe it would be fine to put him in the Hall.

As it stands I do think that BUCK does deserve some kind of recognition for living to be 94 years old in racist azz Jim Crow Missouri.

buck

SOLEMATE: A BILLY SUNDAY Love Story (2006 B.W.A. Nominee)

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

I see her every morning...

I see her every morning. Actually, every morning that I get to the Junction Blvd. elevated by 8:13 a.m. She is probably going to work. I think she is an advertising executive’s assistant account director or a mutual fund investment coordinator because she looks slightly conservative and yet stylishly casual.

classy lady

Her handbags are the kind that always end with a vowel sound, like Gucci or Prada. Even the ā€œsā€ in Hermes is silent. Friday, is when she can get a little funky. She might wear some high-end designer name brand clothing that advertises it’s manufacturer, but only discreetly. You know the initials of that New-Age Buddhist stockbroker lady from Long Island(dkny) or that colorfully homosexual Italian guy who was shot up in Miami(versace).

standard weekday style

To complement her clothing my lady friend will flip her hairstyle also. I can see her transform a French curl, the standard weekday style, into jhiggy little Shirley Temple twists. I love when she changes the color in her hair. Light streaks of cherry or blond make me stare. Just to confirm in my mind that it’s her under those curls. Damn, I almost looked for too long. I try not to offend my lady friend with too much eye contact. I would not want to frighten her away to another position on the platform or worse another time altogether. That would be devastating. I don’t know that I could build this passion, this amorous devotion with another woman other than her. What infatuates me the most about this particular woman is her shoes.

her shoes...

She must have at least ninty-one pairs of shoes in her closet. Business flats with the one and a half inch heel to back breaking four inch pumps. Riding boots, ankle boots and even cute little Timberland workboots. I pretty much know her shoe rotation too. She starts the week off rather slow. A pair of heeled loafers in black or brown. The following day may find me looking down at her square-toed calfskin boots. The ones with the stitched flap over the forefoot, and the stacked heel so high and flat that MY own back hurts just from looking at those boots.

backbreaking riding boots

Is it any coincidence that hump day is usually addressed in a set of heels with a shine so tight they look as if they are made of glass. Her funky walk up the subway stairs to the street allows me the chance to steal a glimpse at the bottom of her shoes. Sometimes the soles are so new that I can faintly smell the calfskin leather. Mmmm…

strappy love

I’ll be honest with you and tell you why I love the summer so much. This woman will take me to my limit by wearing some strappy black sandals. They let her toes stand out, wrapped up by spaghetti thin leather. Her feet are strong and firm . They are tanned an exquisite bronze-copper blend. A simple anklet dangles. I flirt often with her feet. Sometimes they flirt back at me. Like that day she had on these thick- heeled, cream- coloured, peek-a-boo mules with a French polish on her toenails. The silver trim on top of the white edge of the the polish made every toe look as if they were all smiling right at me. I think I can remember blushing right then and there.

I see her...

I see her every morning. Actually, every morning that I get on the E train at the sixth car, second set of doors. She is headed downtown to work. She isn’t going all the way down to Wall Street or the World Trade Center,maybe West Broadway. She looks too cool for the conformist confines of the financial district, yet she is to far too intelligent to be a receptionist in the Village. I love the way she folds her New York Times into this little rectangle so that you can’t read her paper. Or she will be completely absorbed by a paperback as she grips a handrail. Amidst the throng of commuters I can see her hands…

I see her...

They are well manicured, delicate and feminine. The polish isn’t gaudy or garish. Most of the time it is just a clear coat. I even think that she was the first woman to wear those metallic tones. The fingernails are not long either. She must do some kind of work because her nails are a responsible length. I have also taken note that this young woman does not over accessorize. A ring, a bracelet, a watch is the most she may wear.

her hands...

I picture her to be an earthy woman. Not pretentious or super-materialistic. I try to imagine her smile when I give her a dozen long-stem roses. A flash of brilliance from perfectly angled teeth. Her parents knew well enough to get her braces when she was young. She laughs in an uninhibited manner at my cornball thoughts. She can even act interested when I discuss the stress and strain of the internal politics at my office. I always knew she was this beautiful inside, because of her feet. Her gifted, glorious feet and those appendages called toes.

I see her feet

I have never been so enamored with the curvature of a foot. The gentle radius of the ankle. The elliptical perimeter around the forefoot. The sublime arc at the instep. There is an undisclosed geometry that she has about her. When she wears her mahogany suede mini-heels and these opaque brown stockings, the shoes look almost tangent with her leg. The effect is like two long brown boots.

long brown legs

Going back to my mathematical reference helps me understand why I have never approached this young lady. She intimidates me, much like arithmetic does. I am scared that she will be as complex as calculus, and more importantly, I know I don’t have the right formula.

I see her...

Who would want someone as incomplete and unattractive as me? Not this fine young lady. But maybe, just maybe she is interested in a project. Maybe she has conquered all the obstacles in her male dominated world and she is ready to accept the challenge of creating a man that can provide her with all of the necessary requirements that she desires in a partner.

I can see her...

Maybe she will just let me clean her shoes? That is all I could ask for. One chance to give her fuzzy nubuck wedge the buffing of a lifetime. I would use my tongue to touch her soft, supple sole, until it found satisfaction from my action.

I see her...

Lexington Avenue arrives so suddenly that I barely have time to gather my thoughts and my belongings. I make my way to the Uptown local train’s platform. My timing is impeccable and I systematically scramble for the rear of the third car from the front. The time is 8:51 a.m.

I see her every morning. Actually, every morning that I ride the Eighth Avenue local….

I see her...

NICOLE RITCHIE = Gangsta Bitch (2006 B.W.A. Nominee)

Sunday, August 20th, 2006

mugshot nicki

America! Don’t be fooled by this tragic mulatto debutante and her cotillion curls. NICOLE RICHIE is a cold-blooded killer.

I think I may have solved the murder of ISRAEL RAMIREZ. Bear with me for a sec internets fam…

CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE loves to watch Law & Order: Criminal Intent, but that show pisses me off because they are always solving crimes in under an hour. It’s been how many years since TUPAC and B.I.G. were killed and nobody has even been indicted. Those fucks from Law & Order would have solved this shit by now along with the JONBENET case.

dead

So while she watched the tube I fucked(no brokeback) around on the internets. I wanted to see what the jigs were up to so I started with the CRUNK & Disorderly website. C & D is cute and it’s easy to navigate because there aren’t too many bells and whistles. Not like her sister friend’s site BEAUTIFUL HUSTLE, which is visually stunning, but busy as all get out. So anyhoo, I linked from C & D to another website showcasing the jig madness, called CONCRETE LOOP. The post that comes up is the one detailing BUSTA RHYMES post-op haircut interview at an L.A. radio station.

bussabus

In the interview BUSTA had some slick sideways shit to say about PIDDY, which lead the Hip-Hop cops to shadow SEAN just in case they could put another gun charge on the kid. But I found BUSTA’s remark about “LIONEL RICHIE’s daughter” to be the real clue. Why couldn’t BUSTA come out and say her name? Was it LIONEL RICHIE who orchestrated the hook-up? Here was the real mystery…

Dun-dun


Editor’s note: Whenever you see the above phrase; dun-dun, it is your cue to imagine the endscene sound effect from Law & Order

So why would LIONEL RICHIE set up his daughter with BUSTA? Keep in mind that NICOLE is adopted so LIONEL RICHIE could technically enjoy that young poon himself, a la WOODROW.

wood yi

I think your boy LIONEL RICHIE is a capo, and he is connected to the Care Free Curls Mafia.

capo status

LIONEL RICHIE had been trying to recruit BUSTA prior to him cutting his locks. NICOLE RICHIE was like an offering to BUSTA because his hair had grown so long. If LIONEL RICHIE could convince BUSTA to join him in the CFCM can you imagine what a boon to the hair care industry that might have been, let alone the SoftSheen-Carson bottom line? But then BUSTA double-crossed them and cut off his hair. LIONEL RICHIE did the only thing that you can do when someone backs out on their word. He sent in his goons.

Dun-dun


Well actually, he sent his wild whoreish daughter who wasn’t much of a good shot to begin with. She disguised herself as a homeless derelict, which everyone assumed to be TONY YAYO since he is like 50yrs. old and has been seen digging through garbage cans.

yayo

She tried to gain access onto the video production set. This was a good idea since there were reportedly five entertainers and almost 500 umbrella holders on the set. Everybody knows that crapper entourages love hitting up the free sody pop at the craft services tent. When security denied NICOLE RICHIE, disguised as a homeless person, possibly TONY YAYO, entry onto the set she flipped out and started blasting.

Dun-dun

richie and rocket man

I don’t blame BUSTA for being shook neither. The thing about the CFCM is that they are in the highest positions in the entertainment world. When MICHAEL JACKSON tried to get out of the CFCM by relaxing his hair you see how quickly they brought him down. Word on the street is that the Care Free Curls Mafia already has their sights set on another rapper.

dusty jim

This episode also gave me a clearer perspective on how the big homie LIONEL RICHIE stacks all that paper.

Activator residuals biatch!

love my curl

SNEAKER FIENDS UNITE!

Thursday, August 17th, 2006

sneaker fiend

ATLANTA STAND UP!

Been waiting for this event all year. Don’t get caught sleeping. Sneaker Pimps, the world’s largest touring sneaker and street art based show stops through Hotlanta on Friday August 25th, 2006 and your boy will be in the building with a few pair of select goodies to display to the peoples. Check the link later this week to see who the performers will be. I smell a Big Boi/Outkast performance.

sneaker fiend

sneaker fiend

sneaker fiend

Sneaker Pimps

OH WORD Almost Got A Random Nigga Kill’t!

Thursday, August 17th, 2006

dilla

I was going to wear my special J DILLA tonight to the Gnarls Barkley concert in Central Park when i was reminded of this story…

CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE and I were coming from one of our movie dates when we decided to take a stroll on the Duece. That’s only referring to 42nd Street here in NYC for all you raging scat-o-philes. We just came from seeing ‘My Super Ex-Girlfriend’ and ‘Talladega Nights’. Both flicks are worth your money even though we did the two-fer with free movie passes.

That’s why I love C.S. I don’t have to put expensive food in her belly everytime we go out. Sometimes it’s all about doing free shit and that suits my budget just fine. So here we go just walking up Broadway past the Virgin record store and some dude jumps out on me, “YO! YO! YO! Yo fam, would you like to buy my CD? I produced it myself with 20 tracks of straight up Hip-Hop!”

“Nahh mayne, s’aiight tho”, was my reply and I looked dude dead in the face as a symbol of respect and not a straight up dismissal.

“Whatever man, I seen’t your shirt and I thought you was into real Hip-Hop.” was his follow up.

I had to look down at my shirt for a second because I forgot what I had been wearing. It was my JAY DEE shirt that I copped from the OH WORD store. The shirt reads “J DILLA CHANGED MY LIFE” with an image of a record crate at the chest. I had to stop right there. This nigga just shitted on me like I don’t love Hip-Hop because I didn’t want to buy his wack azz CD.

I turned around and I told dude, “Yo I love Hip-Hop. The reason I don’t want your joint is ‘cuz its prah’lee wack.”

The young dude walked away and made the ‘fuckouttahere’ sign by waving his hand. I feel proud of myself that I gave that young aspiring rapper a taste of the music industry apathy. Although sonn did look like his CD was going to be wack anyhoo, by telling him that his music wasn’t shit is going to do one of two things for him. He is either going to quit rapping and just get a job working for the Transportation Safety Administration or he is going to get back into the lab and perfect his flow.

In any case, that J DILLA t-shirt changed his life.

(shop at OhWord.com in a few days and tell ’em BILLY sent ya’)