Archive for the ‘BeYONCE Factor’ Category

Black Divas Don’t Crack (Jokes)…

Friday, September 7th, 2012

I’m loving this webseries as the antidote to the forced minstrelsy of Vh-1s Love & Hip-Hop, Basketball Wives, et al bullshit. The name of the series is called ‘Got 2B Real’ and the shit is heeeee-fuxin’-larious.

Think about a show starring, Patti LaBelle, Aretha Franklin, Dionne Warwick, Beyonce, Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Diana Ross, Maya Angelou and a very special guest appearance from Whitney Houston.

This webseries is the zenith of Hot Ass Mess-ness and Wig Ownership.

The Savior Of Hip-Hop Is Born…

Monday, January 9th, 2012

BeYonce gave birth to a daughter yesterday.

Blue Ivy Carter

There really isn’t anything I can write here that would be funny or snarky about childbirth. It’s prA’li the best thing that can happen to any human being. And certainly even better when those humans are billionaires.

God bless to BeYonce and Jay-Z, and God bless to the child who has its own.

Video: The Throne featuring BeYonce – ‘Lift Off’

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011


In my mega-budget fantasy this song opens the 2012 Grammy Awards and BeYonce flies thru the audience straddling a Titan rocket.

In my low budget reality I reused some of the Gatchaman footage I posted in the ‘Power’ (remix) video along with a trippy screensaver.

The Throne featuring BeYonce – ‘Lift Off’ from dallas penn on Vimeo.

The BARTLES & JAYMES Engagement Report…

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011


Damn, it’s been YEARS since we did a B & J report on this page. Back then I thought I cared about these two. Well I care, but I thought I gave a fux. I do not. However, this news of BeYonce’s pregnancy shut dddddown the internets. Why should I be immune?

Here’s a rapfan / conspiracy theorist opinion on what the seed of the two most prominent Blackinati entertainers shall yield the world…

BeYonce is like the virgin Mary, despite having aborted a child back in her Texas hoodrat days. Notwithstanding, BeYonce uses God to describe her daily experiences so much I thought she would go directly into pastoring when this last album bricked. What I didn’t give her credit for is all the pastoring she has been doing up to this point. You see the blonde lacefront weave explosion happening in the Black community? That’s all BeYonce right there.

Jay-Z is considered a god to his most ardent fans. The idea that he made his money from selling drugs to his own neighbors is accepted as necessary and proper even as we might see the deaths from a hurricane or tornado as the collateral damage from God’s grace. God gives, so God must also take away. The ethical issue I always had with the Jay-Z hustler character was that I come from the era where hustlers hung out on 3rd Ave in the East 50s. These clean shaven Black boys would hop in the whips of ad agency execs and get taken across the 59th Street Bridge to points east just to put baby powder on the nuttsachs of old white men [ll].

The progeny of these two people who have given every ounce of their souls to reach the pinnacle of the entertainment industry apparatus will be a revelation. The world as we know it ends in 2012.

GATTACA Rap For Ya’ Earholes…

Saturday, August 13th, 2011


Editor’s note: The Complex mag crew asked me to give a sentence or two about my impressions to the Watch The Throne event. It looks like I OD’d on the hype and TWote too much. Here’s what I said…

I’m calling this album Gattaca Rap. In the new iteration of the classic future dystopian flick we will see Jay-Z reprising the role of Ethan Hawke and BeYonce cast as Uma Thurman. KanYe West of course plays Jude Law since his DNA is all over this record.

‘No Church In The Wild’ featuring Frank Ocean

Jay-Z is as awkward in this genetically modified world as Ethan Hawke was, but just like Hawke escaped from Earth so did Jay-Z escape from the Marcy Houses to another world outside of Brooklyn. But maybe it was the planet of Brooklyn where Jay-Z has always belonged? Maybe Jay-Z doesn’t need to be circling around Saturn since his vehicle of choice is a Maybach anyhoo? I wanted to hear him craft verses that explained what the rare air of outerspace smelled like, but Jay-Z is still too preoccupied with a mortal imagination. Albeit a wealthy one, still hardly one belonging to a god who can hold a supernova star in his hand.

‘New Day’

KanYe West isn’t limited by his imagination, although he is burdened by his tragic Midwest upbringing for attempting to put a gilded hood ornament on a rocket ship. It’s called doing too much. There are times when his flourishes are truly fantastic (MBDTF) and there are moments in Watch The Throne where I have no idea what he is musically doing to my ears. I’ll blame myself for not having the right DNA hexcode to truly understand KanYe. Maybe, just maybe, this album has such a cosmic sound that I got lost in the translation.

‘Welcome To The Jungle’

Watch The Throne means everything to some people and nothing to others. I’m finding myself exactly in the middle, loving some of the tracks for Jay-Z’s honesty and Kanye’s musicality and skipping over half of the songs that I just don’t get. I wanted this album to be an instant classic for me, but after taking the piss test at Gattaca Aerospace Corporation my genome must have been deemed invalid? It’s like I got to the launch site too late to ride on the spaceship, but I still watched the liftoff. Whoever made it onto the spaceship is having a good time I suppose while I’m stuck here on Earth with the other invalids. My only consolation is that the hype machine powering this spaceship will run out of gas before it reaches Mars.

‘Life Off’ featuring BeYonce

No Church In The Wild stays on the loop tho’.

I’ma put 2.5/5 Blackstronaut Tangs on this spaceship.