Movie Reviews by CLETUS

With the departure of key staffers here at the website we went looking for new young talent that would be willing to grind with us and grow with us, literally. Lucky for us the state legislature in South Dakota was looking to keep some of their residents stateside at least until they are old enough to be drafted into the military.

Our newest entertainment writer hails from the one horse town of Sioux Falls. We’re just happy to have someone to do reviews of movies and new CD’s without putting the site over budget. Give a warm DALLASPEN.COM welcome to our newest staffer, CLETUS…

cletus

Hey everybody, I’m just happy to still be here myself. When I heard that DALLASPENN.COM was for the kids I thought, “what the hell, why not”, I didn’t have to much else to do but hang out and occasionally kick my womb-carrier in her uterus. This will give me some ‘busy’ work in the meantime.

I just saw a couple of good movies too that I think you people might enjoy. One of them was a rehashing of the classic buddy films that you have all seen before. The other was more political and far more cerebral, especially for someone of my age(1st trimester) but if you have a fully developed brain it shouldn’t be a problem for you. I have decided to rank my reviews on a scale from zero up to three. With three being the best and worth your money. If I give the review a zero rating that means it was a total abortion, and none of us wants to spend our money on that.

16 BLOCKS
Do you remember ’48 Hours’? Good, because I don’t. I’m a two month old fetus you jackass. Here’s my thinking though… 16 is only one-third of 48 right. The premise of this movie is that some wise-cracking, talkative convict has to be escorted around by a boozy, down and out police detective. Sounds familiar? Well, if you haven’t made the connection then you will enjoy this film. And it is a good movie too. BRUCE WILLIS is old reliable. My womb-holder watches his ‘Die Hard’ films on TNT all the time. He’s always playing a New York City cop too. MOS DEF is a better performer than the director allowed him to be. He was forced to adopt a voice that appeared to be channeling ANTONIO FARGAS classic HUGGY BEAR character.

huggy bear

It was an annoying nasaly snivel and it nearly ruined the movie for me. I was tempted to start a bowel movement in my womb carrier to get me out of the theater, but that is when the action picked up and from there it never stopped. RICHARD DONNER is one of the great Hollywood action movie producers in your generation. There were plenty of gunshots and explosions and even a hijacked bus. How good is RICHARD DONNER? He created a scene where a city bus moved through Chinatown New York City at 60mph. You can’t walk through Chinatown without tripping over some guy selling fake Gucci bags every five feet, but here is a bus moving faster than JEFF GORDON at Martinsville. Just for good measure there were some helicopters too.

2.5

The only detraction for this film was the voice that MOS DEF’s character used. Otherwise I give this film a two and half fetus rating. Go see it.

V For VENDETTA
This movie is for all of you political optimists that think one day justice will prevail. Ha. You guys are saps, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have a movie to give you a reason to keep you from sticking your head in the oven. The guys that absconded the ‘Matrix’ trilogy have stolen the work of another writer. NATALIE PORTMAN stars in this post Orwellian fantasy. Can you imagine living in a country where people are controlled by color coded terror levels? Thank GOD we live in America. I can’t understand why the British are still so jealous of us. Their money is worth more. You would think that would keep them content, but no they always have to create these wordy parables about morality. I liked ‘Star Wars’ just as much as any fertilized egg has, but all of this foretelling of Draconian governments has to stop.

The good thing about living here in America is that we would never be senselessly cowed by a politician wearing a van dyke. Our leaders abstain from facial hair.

3

I gave V a full score for it’s yeomans effort to try to speak to us as though we weren’t part of a post-literate civilization.

Editor’s note: No actual fetuses were hurt in the creation of this post.

4 Responses to “Movie Reviews by CLETUS”

  1. Sangano says:

    P for Piece of Shit sucked….sucked bad man

    hopefully you don’t make it out the womb cletus

  2. LM says:

    The birth of a great reviewer… eh, wait a second…

  3. REEMIE SMOOTH says:

    i made it to ya website. Mr Sunday u neva cease to amaze the kid.

  4. REEMIE SMOOTH says:

    Sunday, Where u be, Black? Transmittin thru tha matrix ,son!!!!!

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