I don’t care how sick I am there is nothing that can stop me from talkin’ shit. You could say it’s what I do. Of all the solitary acts that one can complete there is nothing more pleasurable to me than leaving a shit. It’s slightly above masturbation and reading while on the toilet. Real talk is that one day I was reading on the toilet and masturbating while pinching a loaf. That shit made my eyes roll back in my head.
Nothing compares to the feeling of lightness after you’ve dumped a mean log. You just want to go running or something buck naked through the tall grass. Good times. The only thing that can mess that experience up are the times that I forget to buy t.p. and end up using whatever paper product is in my apartment from the local Pennysaver circulars to the godawful paper towels. I remember this one time that I had come home from work…
It was a typical long day at the job. I was working at a field site and the only bathrooms were the rented port-a-potties. I had drunk two cups of job site coffee that day which is actually like chewing coffee instead of drinking it. I knew that when I got home I was going to have to leave a massive rope since I hadn’t broken anything off in the morning before I left. The Long Island Rail Road was crowded as usual but my stop comes pretty early into Nassau County. As I walk the two blocks to my apartment I stopped at the latin supermercado to buy some honey for the tea that I’ll be making later that night. These dudes also have a kitchen and they make different Dominican dishes through the day. I decided to copp some shredded beef and peppers for dinner. As I walk home I’m happy despite the faint notion that I forgot to pick up something at the store.
When I get home I’m greeted by the humidity and smell of chlorine. My building has an indoor pool in the lobby and that’s the main reason that I bought this apartment. I open my mailbox to the normal junkmail and invoices. I see that I have the new Eastbay catalog. I never buy anything from this sporting goods retailer, but I love to see the new colorways for general release sneakers that are coming out. My bowels know when I am near my apartment because they start to quiver and act up as soon as I put my key in the door. This is not one of those emergencies so I calmly remove my shoes and then put my groceries in the kitchen. Next I take off my jacket and my shirt and discard them in the pile. Next I remove my socks and unzip my pants.
Removing one’s socks before taking a supernatural shazbot is key because that allows you to open and curl your toes. Before I go into the chamber I take the Eastbay catalog since I expect to be busy or awhile.
Ahhhhhh. Bliss I tell you. In terms of shits this is one of the better ones. Definitely a 9 out of 10. cIt’s a clean and contiguous log. No breakage and no wetness. All in all, today was a good day. Now I just need to wipe myself and clean up and then I can go play on the internets.
DAMN.
I forgot to copp t.p. when I was at the store. My mind races for a minute as I think what I may use in lieu of my favorite Scottissue. I have a few napkins left over from the chinese kitchen that I had take out from the other night. Not enough to do a respectful job of covering my hand though. I realize with dread that I am going to have to use a few sheets of Bounty paper towels. Bounty makes the paper towels that are so strong they can lift furniture. You can also use them to clean burned rice out of pots. They are the Brillo of paper towels. I do the only thing possible to mitigate their grit. I soak them in water and then I begin to wipe…
ARRRRRGHHHHH!
This is what I get for forgetting to buy a multi-pack of Scottissue, but never again my friends. I will go to CostCo just to pick up the 48 roll package of t.p. so that I never have to suffer through the ignominy of paper towel wiping again. My ass thanks me for that.
^ “Real talk is that one day I was reading on the toilet and masturbating while pinching a loaf. ”
D, you know I ride with you like Chuck and Flav all effin day, but this is effin sick and disgusting and you really need to keep that shit (no pun intended) to yer cotdamend self, you fucking shit pervet!!! Fucking disgusting, don’t expect a pound from me next time we meet dude!
Moving on, when I’ve found myself in that situation (no TP an’ all), I’ve found that a long, hot to death, extra bubbly shower (no less than 10 plus minutes) removes all types of lingerage cause by breakage and what not. I gets grimey when I fight, but a nigga like Combat jack must always stay so fresh and so clean, clean!
I had to use Bounty paper for toilet tissue once. If you rub too hard it clips your sensitive skin, resulting in shards of faeces, skin and slight blots of blood, staining the expensive tissue, believe me it was not a pretty sight.
And the pain, the pain, oh Lord it was indescribable. I feel your pain Dallas.
^I cosign with CJ, some effing shit needs to kept to yourself…..specially since I had a bad lunch and that chicken soup has given me the bubbles!!
PS> BTW if u into animals or furries or cosplay, please,please DON’T tell us….
That shit is true yo. The closer you get to the crib, it just seems like the turtle head wants to start poking out. That has to be a mental thing. Like your brain tells your stomach let loose.
That particular dump you described is a “I feel 10 to 15 pound lighter” shit.
Animals, Furries, COSPLAY?!?
Playboy, this is me, your man fifty grand.
What kind of freakazoid to you take me for?
Bubble on Black man
Sunday, I’m a big fan but I gotta ride with Combat Jack and Lion XL on this one. That shit used to drive me crazy when i sit down at work and think you about to drop some science or make me laugh and then there’s a picture of a big pile of shit with the latest drop. Cmon man make this the last of the defecation drops.
Man fuck you all. I was visiting my grandparents in the Dominican in the late 80’s and we decided to take a trip to the flea market. Now we called in the flea market, they called it…el supermercado I guess.
Well, 10 year olds are not great at doing work before leaving on a trip and I got caught with a case of the bubble guts walking around. No one in the fam spoke spanish and we got across that a bathroom was in order. After being directed to something not unlike the worst moments in Trainspotting or that bathroom during the bar shootout in Desperado.
I drop, get ready to clean and notice like DP, no tp.
So fuck you I had to use 80’s dot matrix printer paper on my ass. 15 years later and it still haunts me.
You are lucky you don’t service peoples houses like Geek Squad or something. Their work is at peoples homes, and you at times do need to use the restroom…..enough said.
Damn Dallas. We are cool and all that but I didn’t need to know THIS MUCH about your ass. LOL
Bounty is the quicker picker upper though….and I am in awe of the term supernatural shazbot. WOW.
Back when I was a younger man…Smif-N-Wesson got it into my head to take an El to the dome while squatting. Those were some good ones…lit incense, reading material and herbal refreshment.
Yo, I can’t believe I read that but I did so I can’t say sh*t. Might I suggest some lemon-ginger tea? You don’t need honey for it. Some health food stores carry 100% raw un-pasteurized honey, it taste great and is great for many things, one of those things being your gastro-intestinal tract. Green leafy vegatables will also aid in the Black Man’s struggle. Colon cleanser or a full colonic won’t hurt, especially if your past 25 years of age.
I stay shitty regular, I understand but without the pain or the bloated feeling.
Ok enough of that crap, Dallas, check out the blog, I think we’re updating regularly and will becoming through with more interesting shits.
As soon as I get a digital camera you might check out some Ralph Bakshi influenced crap or maybe not. I’m not too fond of rotoscoping. Animated content will be up hopefully in 1-2 months time. Holla, when you can.
^D….just checkin!
“Real talk is that one day I was reading on the toilet and masturbating while pinching a loaf. That shit made my eyes roll back in my head.”
Hands down the funniest thing I have read in the past two weeks. Love dropping heat where you feel like you could do a double back flip right after. A hot shower is always a must after that type of affair.
You have to roll with those wet wipes to get all the crush out….
Once you go wet wipes you won’t ever let some cheap 1-ply touch your rusty sheriff’s badge…..
And the wet wipes don’t break sometimes like the cheap shit…..you might as well shove your finger up your ass and start at the back and scrape forward if you are going to use toilet paper.
H8torade,
Wet Wipes are the shiznit and my wet wipes story will drop in April sometime. A Wet Wipe as the finisher is good shit, literally and figuratively.
Party People! Check out H8torade’s website. Dude is dropping FIRE!
I’m away for a while, and I come back to this?!
Nah that shit was pretty funny though…
Gabe is in the building!
Yo sonn, I got an appt @ I.D. tomorrow.
Wassup?!?