PIMP CUP PLAYOFFS…

pimp cup

What good are the internets for if we can’t come together and aggressively debate nonsense?

To that extent I thought I should introduce a new feature to this site where we highlight the spirit of competition and achievement. One of the greatest attributes of Hip-Hop has been its ability to reconfigure the meanings of word. Bad now equals good, while nigger now means tomato, or some other sort of vegetable.

The word pimp formerly referred to a predatory confidence person who would intimidate and terrorize young women into becoming prostitutes for him. The new Hip-Hop meaning for the word pimp refers to someone who utilizes their charisma in order to convince the system of capitalism to subsidize their lifestyle. In this manner the pimp makes capitalism work for him, instead of the other way around.

I think you folks will catch on to this shit once we get underway. Let’s go in…

bond

JAMES BOND
Some of you might consider James Bond the ultimate pimp since he had the British government tricking on his expense account with not just the ultimate in five star accomodations, but also with, er, yeah, accoutrements. Bond always had a mean piece of foreign poontang on his arm and a gun with a silencer in the other hand. Money was no exception since he had the British goverrnment bankrolling his moves. You know the Brits lent money to GOD to pay off his college loan right?

James Bond has crashed more expensive Italian sportscars than ALLEN IVERSON. He always comes out with a crazy gadget that somehow shoots bullets. I think that is the reason why everyone loves Bond so much. He is the symbol for virility. What exotic piece of tail hasn’t been with James Bond? From luxurious Mediterranean meat to prophylactic Persian poontang, Bond has seen it all. Dude even caught an STD in Brazil just to say that he went there.

Here’s the tale of the tape for James Bond…

bond JAMES BOND

  • Over 20 motion pictures grossing $10B worldwide
  • Portrayed by eight(8) diffferent actors
  • Product placement deals for BMW, Aston Martin and Bentley automobiles. Rolex and Omega watches
  • Automatic handgun with silencer
  • Unlimited expense account
  • exotic female companions – Pussy Galore, Plenty O’Toole
  • Off the rack tuxedos
  • James Bond looks like a runaway favorite until you consider this James…

    captain

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
    While James Bond’s international pimp hand was undeniably strong how can any of you front on the intergalactic pimp prowess of Starfleet captain James T. Kirk? Here is a man that took pimping to the outer rim(no 2girls1cup) and back again. Forget hairpin turns and high speed chases, this man was traveling at warp speed factor 9. That’s faster than light bitches.

    By the time Kirk comes on the scene in the 23rd century there won’t be too many Black folks left. There’s a blind Ten Speed and Brownshoe and another brother with a turtle shell on his forehead, and one super-fine chocolate sister. Rumor has it that Kirk teleported to Uhuru’s Uranus. You can’t knock this man’s hustle either. If it has at least one vagina Kirk is gonna try to smash it. He was hitting stuff no matter what the color. Black chicks could get the captain’s stick like good money. Kirk was even smashing action the color of money. Green-skinned, antennae having broads got it too.

    While Bond rocked some gadgets that were borderline absurdist fantasy the entire crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise were the first cats on the streets with the flip phones. James Bond could certainly bust off with his silencer equipped Beretta, but who is fucking with a phaser that could straight vaporize niggas?

    Like my homey The John said, “Anybody can bag broads wearing a tuxedo, try scooping up the ladies wearing tight wool pants and some go go boots.” True.

    kirk JAMES T. KIRK

  • Billions of dollars generated by the Star Trek franchise
  • Portrayed by only one actor(regettably)
  • Inspiration for electronic products such as laptops, PDA’s and cellphones, notably the Motorola Star-Tac
  • phaser gun with stun and disintegration capabilities
  • The 24th century bitches
  • exotic female companions – Elaan (extra-terrestrial), Rayna Kapec (android)
  • Middle name is Tiberius

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    13 Responses to “PIMP CUP PLAYOFFS…”

    1. ADB says:

      They are very good picks. I thought of a dark-horse duo who ultimately miss the cut – Sam Beckett and Al Calavicci. Those quantum leap dudes had a time travel machine and the possibility to re-write the history books with punani parties everywhere. Except Sam put a cock-block on himself every time, so never really hit anything despite many opportunities. Al on the other hand couldn’t stop hittin’ it back in the present as well as going through numerous wifeys. Now imagine if their roles had been reversed, it would have been a whole different story, Al would have been hittin’ the b*tches left, right and centre and made a play for ultimate P.I.M.P.

    2. ADB says:

      Damn I was concinvced that Stringfellow Hawke would be at least top 10 but upon close examination of his activity, I’m not sure how much he actually hit, I think is was all on the down-low and he was spending too much time looking for his brother or some other sh*t. Damn with a name like ‘Stringfellow Hawke’ the honeys are bound to come flocking. Not only did he have a bad-ass helicopter that could beat up MIGs and fly into space but dude had an art collection, was a fisherman and played the Stradivarius cello – now with a swagger like that you’ve GOT to be hitting honeys from the back then heading for the front door.

    3. 40 says:

      Ken…

      All he has to do is hang around an keep laying that anatomically incorrect action to his equally punnie challenged broad Barbie. Who last I check is the ULTIMATE SHE PIMP. Who do you think Kevin Federline took his cues from?

    4. Meka Soul says:

      what about carlos slim helĂș? not only is he the richest person in the world, but he’s a chubby guy whose middle name is “slim.” pimp shit.

    5. Combat Jack says:

      James T. Kirk was played by another dude in the initial pilot episode. Btw, my vote goes to Kirk. Green chickas with antennae? Count me in boss!

    6. Amadeo says:

      I don’t know, Bond smashed something EVERY outing…Kirk divded his time evenly between alien smashing, klingon hating, scraping and getting red shirts killed.

      Bond has a formula:

      Kill someone+Get Clean+Drive dope car+Crush 1 or more chicks+Get Clean again+blow something up+bounce with chick to smash later = Bond.

    7. Dart_Adams says:

      Dallas, you need to add to Kirk’s resume that he is the founder of the fighting academy the prestigious James T. Kirk School Of Dropkicks & Double Hand Chops. His ancestor T.J. Hooker created the foundation for the schools legendary fighting system as it was reported that he could hit a running perpetrator/purse snatcher in the shinbone/lower leg with his nightstick from a full block away!

      James Tiberius Kirk’s ability to catch his enemy with a judo style hip toss and a swift chop to the neck kept the intergalactic haters and cock blockers to a minimum. The James T. Kirk School Of Dropkicks & Double Hand Chops has NUMEROUS alumni…I’m sure you could name some.

      One.

    8. Johnny Mack says:

      Hugh Heff gets the hat tilt every time in this discussion.

    9. evan says:

      I have to go with Bond as it seems he’ll be ageless indefinitely and there no way that the Shat could pour himself into a respectable nerd ensemble anytime soon.

      -1 Point Reduction for Kirk : Dude is 300+ years into the future and all the squirrels are going with pure Ted Lange between the knees [no tang tribbles].

    10. the_dallas says:

      ^ Johnny Mack,
      John Stagliano >>> Hugh Hefner. All day, ay’ day. True story.

    11. Tiffany says:

      Funny CJ!!

      I was never into Trek, but the Bond series I like. Sean and Roger could have gotten it.

      D, thanks for the package. Received it today…Best IC Evar!!!!

    12. THE-XFACTA says:

      Damn I can’t relate, i was never a Trekie… I was into the Transformers.. the real one!

    13. Mehdi RAHILY says:

      best movies for the centuries

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