Editor’s note: A DP.com Martin Luther King Jr Holiday Weekend Black History Month classic…
In a few weeks we will all be under siege with another 28 days of Black Bullshit. Some of you take advantage of Black History Month to learn the names of some of your jig co-workers. That’s nice of you.
As a preemptive public service I thought we should create a guide to help people learn more about Black women according to the hairstyles they wear. The thing about Black women is that each different hairstyle comes with its own prerequisite attitude and lifestyle. This handy guide will help you choose a comparable Black female friend based on the style of her hair, and the best part is that she won’t even know how you knew so much about her.
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THE SKEEBALL I took this name from Byron Crawford because it’s so apropo. Skeeball head chicks are always unbalanced. Heaven forbid you are trying to get close to a bi-racial skeeball head girl. These chicks have too many issues to even begin to wrap your head around. |
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THE UPCHUCK Sometimes this style looks like a mini explosion at the back of someone’s head, but I think it’s meant to look somewhat Euro-casual. If the Black chick that has this hairstyle also wears a shaggy off the shoulder sweater I think you can trust her because she evidently doesn’t get out too much. |
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THE LIL’ BRO When the skeeball starts to grow back in hopefully the girls mind is also returning. By the looks of this sister and the rack she’s holding I would be down to talk some ‘Free MUMIA’ bullshit with her in the chance of scoring some pro African poon. |
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THE CURLY LIL’ BROHAM Here’s a look at the wet side of the Lil’ Bro style. Remember that girl group TOTAL? The lead singer had this haircut and she wasn’t gay after all. At least I don’t think so. Girls that sport curly lil’ brohams are cool to hang out with, but make sure you let them know from jump street that they have to pay their own tab. These chicks are saving money on styling by wearing this hairstyle so they can afford to pay for their own dinner. |
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THE CRAZY LIL’ BROTHER The name says it all when you meet one of these chicks. She’s one of those broads that had one of those ‘horrible’ long term relationships. She’s just getting her shit back together after a small stint in the pysche ward. Inside she’s a nice girl, but everything you say reminds her of the last dude. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have sex with her. She will stalk your azz. |
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THE UNEMPLOYABLE Sometimes known as the W.I.C. check. Whoever wears this style I can guarantee you they don’t have a job or their own business, unless you call braiding hair in your kitchen ‘ghetto entreprenuerism’. The other thing that I can almost assure you is that this woman’s name has way too many vowels. Something like Starrkeysha. |
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THE SELF-EMPLOYED When you see this hairstyle you should understand the ambition that is contained in the wearer. She is a driven hard worker and she owns her own business. The question though is how many people want macrame knitted clothing? Not too many. If she could pore her energy and focus into a commodity that people wanted then maybe she might have enough money to pay for her own movie ticket. |
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THE STRIPPER BRAIDS This is what being self-employed is all about. Nobody tells her where to go or when to come (pun always intended). |
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THE O.G. FINGER WAVER I’d like to act like I don’t have an aunt that has this hairstyle, but I’m sure there is someone in Petersburg, Virginia related to me wearing this ‘do. |
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THE BLONDIELOCKS Whenever I see a lady wth her hair bleached out blonde I just shake my head. I don’t have conversations with these women because I imagine that their sensibilities and politics are all jacked up. Who was the one that told them their hair looked better blonde? And why did she believe them?!? |
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THE BOYGIRL BOY Quick message to parents… Stop making your sons look bitchmade with long hair. They’re boys and they aren’t supposed to be cute. |
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THE DOOBIE WRAP This is what you want to get next to fellas. Everything about this female is right on point. Long pressed hair, nice smile, and uh, nice kerbangers. You see she has a nice little fat on the back of her arms too so you know she can cook. I say bring some fried boneless chicken breasts over her house and a bottle of Reisling wine. When you get this sweet tender thing just a little drunk she will go down in you. At least that’s what her hairstyle is telling me. |
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THE DOOBIE DON’T Anytime you come across a chick with her style this tight my advice would be to leave her alone because she is gonna cost way too much money to keep up her hair and trust me all she thinks about is her hair. She’s in love with her hair because everyone compliments her on it. Her hobby is her hair. Her baby is her hair. If she has a child it is getting fed after her hair. |
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THE BLANGE DOOBIE Black women love to dye their hair this wild color that combines auburn and blonde streaks. I have taken to calling this hyrbrid hue Blange (pronounced blahnj). The really excessive women will also dye their eyebrows and try to match up their lipstick. You can’t tell her she isn’t fly either. She parlayed her community college experience into a civil service job and she balls out in Miami Beach every Memorial Day (yawwwn). |
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THE LION QUEEN Speaking of civil servants, let’s not forgot the wearers of the oversize box braids at the office. I wonder sometimes if actual African people look at Black Americans and laugh on the inside. |
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THE SHIRLEY TEMPLE DREAD Blue contacts? Nose earring? Looks like another charity case if you ask me. |
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THE NON-PROFIT Figuring out someone’s profession from looking at their hairstyle is one of my talents. This style is worn by most of the Blacks that have graduated from historically Black colleges and universities and now work at one of the countless educational and non-profit endowments that have been established to give these people with worthless degrees someplace to work. She shops at IKEA and makes you take your shoes off when you come in her house, but she smells so damn good its hard not to eat her up like a plate of collard greens and macaroni and cheese. |
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THE BONETURAL Combining LISA BONET with the natural wet look is one of my favorite styles, but be sure you check the back of the girl’s scalp for the weave. You’d be surprised how many liteskinned ladies are imitation Indians. She told me she had some Sioux in her blood, but she really meant lawsuit. Too bad that I have a thing for the grey-green eye chicks because she was a grimey type broad to steal money out of your wallet when you were asleep. |
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THE SELF-UNEMPLOYED LIL’ UPCHUCK NON-PROFIT CURLY BLONDE DREAD I know that I killed all the above women that had these elements in their hairstyles and the truth is that I’m sure they’re all really nice people once you get to know them. I just had to point out that the greatest thing about Black women has nothing to do with their hair. Their undeniable power comes from that space on their shoulder right where the neck comes in. It’s soft and tender and usually smells like some kind of fruit. As long as a Black woman has a clavicle she doesn’t really need any hair. |
Oh…this is the one that had all those chicks dropping in to tell you about using products with olive oil and that you were ignorant. Hmmm….If we could get a repeat of the comment section I’d be entertained for the rest of the day.
funny as usual. factoid: the biggest selling cosmetic product in AFRICA…ta daaa….skin lightening cream. long live the burn. oh i mean perm.
“I just had to point out that the greatest thing about Black women has nothing to do with their hair.”
your comment thingy doesn’t like me. it keeps cutting me off. hmph. anywho, I love this whole post. I saw how so many women attacked you on the original drop. Since “good hair” is coming out, they’ll be here again shortly, no doubt. I agree w/Amadeo, should be fun!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I have no idea where you found all these pictures but I’ve seen about all of these hair styles in the streets except for THE SELF-UNEMPLOYED LIL’ UPCHUCK NON-PROFIT CURLY BLONDE DREAD – OMG DP you kill me. LMAO.
Can’t wait to see what people say after watching Good Hair.
This was and still is a classic. LMAO!
Classic.
“By the looks of this sister and the rack she’s holding I would be down to talk some ‘Free MUMIA’ bullshit with her in the chance of scoring”
. . . I can’t even read this joint right now, but that line has me crying.
Imma fight you. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Off to moisturize my Dooby Don’t! ROFLROFLROFLROFL!)
Seriously…this made me WEAK!
dallas- tell chocolate snowflake i am jealous- she has a man who not only listens but knows that actions speak louder than words.
this is why i love you!
mmmmmmwah!
and guess what movie i was watching last night?
school daze
talkin bout good and bad hair!
singing to self:
your just a jigaboo tryna find something to do,
well your a wanna be, wanna be better than me!
DP, I gots to take it back with this comment.
If you would please, point out to me the “Kick-A-Nigga-Out-The-Adidas-Store” hairstyle? I didn’t see it on the list.
–OG Matt Herbz–
OG,
I call that shit the ‘2009 Unemployable’
“The Non-Profit”
HA!!!
I knew at least 4 chicks rocking that bullshit, 3 worked for non-profits, one is miserable as FUCK and one finally smartened up and did something about it.
This might be the funniest isht you ever posted, b. “The self-employed!!!”
Find out!!!
I’m a cross between the The Self Employed and the Bonetural…and I don’t even know what that MEANS!!
PS
What’s most important is that you have successfully pointed out that Amber Rose ain’t create that mixed girl Skeeball look!
Holla!
See, I call you professor for a reason.
Dead ass with the “doobie wrap”. Thats what I married, ha! Now you (& Kiana, & Phlip & Herbz) see why I’m always talking about “my wife” this & my “wife that”…..
Smart man. Great effin drop!
Fuckin RETARDED! I almost spit my soda out when I read the lil bro post. GENIUS!
what gives you the right to generalize and judge black females by their hair? When did they declare you God…That every black person with one of the listed hair styles above are like the descriptions you’ve written? Get a life!
…People don’t normally see the damage they do others, they don’t understand how powerful word are, and instead of using them to uplift, they bring others down. It might not have been your intentions to upset or hurt, but sometimes you have to take the time to think about the things you’re saying and the message you’re relaying to others…especially if you’re some one influential!
Youг mode of explaining the whole thing in this article is in fаct pⅼeasant,
every one be capaƅle of effortⅼᥱssⅼy know it, Ƭhanks a lot.