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One day removed from the meltdown of millions of Tupac stans I am here to say that André Benjamin b.k.a André 3000 is better than all other 3000’s in the entertainment industry. Okay, he is better than most 3000’s. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is still the best 3000 in the entertainment business.

I remember when some shit could be 2000 and people were all amazed and in awe. No one gives a shit about 2000 anymore. 2000 is washed up as a futuristic science fiction numeral. 3000 has possibilities though.

“It might could still popoff in 3000.” – DP ‘hoodspeak

With that motion I picked up two films from the dollar bins at A.J. Wright. I love that effin’ store. Right now all the shit on clearance is an additional 25% off at checkout. If some shit is on clearance at A.J. Wright then you know even a crackhead don’t want that shit.

I saw this movie titled ‘Alien 3000’ and the cover looked like the alien from SIGOURNEY WEAVER fame. I used to want to bang fire out of Lt. Ripley back in the day. Anyhoo, I never heard of ‘Alien 3000’. I stopped fucksing with the franchise after they had CHARLES ‘Roc’ DUTTON playing that convict or whatever.

‘Alien 3000’ is not part of the Alien movie franchise even though their cover art would like us to think so. This is a horrible, horrible movie. A gold eating alien is killing motherfuckers that try to steal his gold. WTF?!? The special effects were on some OG ‘Land of the Lost’ type shit except this film was made in 2004. It sucked wild balls. The only redeeming factor was that it starred LORENZO LAMAS. I just like saying that dude’s name [ll].

I am going to use a new movie rating system here at DP Dot Com for films that we should never see. Evar. To help me with the new system I have asked Mister 3 Stacks a.k.a. The Funk Crusader to lend us his time. ‘Alien 3000’ receives a 3 Stacks vote.

3 Stacks = Aww Hells Gnarls!

I am staying on my 3000 theme in the dollar bin by bringing home ‘Dracula 3000’. This joint had Coolio and Tiny Lister in the cast as a spaceship filled with two-bit smugglers comes up on a deserted cargo ship. Instead of finding fortune the pirates find vampires and proceed to get their asses kicked. Standard shit from Hollywood which means recycled scripts and the worst acting known to man. I hated it so much I loved it. Another 3 Stacks for Drac.

Aww Hells Gnarls!

The best part of watching both of these films is the fact that someone is going to get a copy of these mailed to them. Don’t you all raise your hands at once. I have one copy of ‘Dracula 3000’ and three (3) copies of ‘Alien 3000’. If you aren’t on the DP Dot Com Snail Mail list now would be your chance to get down and get in my postage pocket. I’ll contact you via e-mail if you are so inclined.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 at 10:18 am and is filed under Black Bullshit, Crappers, Fanboy Ish, Hollyweird. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.