I love reading this story about how OL’ DIRTY was visiting a little girl in the hospital whom he rescued after she was injured in a car accident. DIRTY came to see her on a daily basis because his recording studio was across the street. Eventually people began to recognize him and he had to discontinue his visits. Combine this story with some of the personal accounts of his character from members of the Wu-Tang clan and what emerges is the portrait of a highly intelligent and complex individual. He deftly walked the tightope of uncontrollable Negro madness that so many Black men have to negotiate in their lives. It involves the game of being invisible sometimes just to maintain a peace of mind and remove suspicion from your motives.
I hate the fact that you can’t tell your peeps that you might be a little 7-thirty sometimes. Nothing that they should be afraid to have you around their children, it’s just that sometimes you get a tick in your neck or you talk to yourself, frequently. The biggest taboo in the African American community is the stigma attached to being mentally imbalanced. Even more so than being a gay. If you are a gay crazy motherfucker then mos def no one is fucking with you.
Crazy is considered the worst because it carries the connotation of vulnerable and weak. For a Black male in America who has been disenfranchised to the Nth, the only thing he may have left might be his sense of hyper-masculinity. The need to agressively confront someone who might be looking at them questionably is a by-product of this condition. There are other anti-social mannerisms that are equally self-destructive, but not as blatant. Some of these things could be resolved if we allowed Black men to receive pyschiatric counseling.
Unfortunately for us, supremacy has stigmatized Black men receiving medical treatment for mental illness. I say unfortunately because with proper medical treatment Black men might be able to find a mitigation and acceptance for supremacy. Instead, we self medicate using any available and accessible narcotic. These treatments only exacerbate the mental disease in the long term. I fought a hard fight to remove myself from cocaine addiction, but don’t think it’s not in the back of my mind everytime I find myself in a valley of depression and self-doubt. Picking up again is as easy as visiting some old friends in the old neighborhood. I’ve had some moments, but thankfully I haven’t fallen that far behind.
I take people very seriously when they say to me that they “are losing their mind.” I know what that feels like and sounds like. A million voices yelling at you in your head, screaming for your attention. I don’t like that feeling and I don’t like not being in control of my actions so I gave a call to my therapist. We met last week after about over a year or so. Right after my dad passed away I had a couple of sessions and I suspended the treatment because I thought that I had broken through prior to my dad’s death. I hadn’t been using my tools for coping so I was just setting myself up for failure again. Blogging has been a major plus in my life, but I needed to exercise more and lay off the alcohol. Even though I was writing my azz off in my apartment I was also drinking a 750ml bottle of Belvedere. To the face.
I appreciate everyone lining up and showing me mad love last week. If I left this site alone I would only be hurting myself. I hope you guys will ultimately forgive my schizoid embolism moment. I have once again swallowed the “red” pill and I am fearlessly entering the rabbit hole armed with the knowledge that you good people are holding the rope that can pull me back out to freedom.
Major props… I thought I was reading about myself on that one. Somehow we’ll all make sense of this sh*t…. Keep striving people!
Dallas, mad love for sharing your feelings with us. Don’t think you’re the only one with these crazy “symptoms”. I think we all deal with them to some degree. You’re very brave for sharing. I don’t think a lot of folks could do this….Hold tight D….
Classic Post……..1
fucking rad man. thank god for anyone of any color being personally responsible. easily said, we all have our shit, but it is the fight against what ails us that gives us the strength to endure. much respect and keep writing.
Thank you
“If I left this site alone I would only be hurting myself.”
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Others would hurt also.
DP, No one one does it better, when its time to open up and let the feelings flow. i love these types of posts.
now that’s what I call a break thru right there baby, and you may or may not have a therapist on hand to tell you that this is doing the work…breathing, living, loving, screaming, crying, laughing, threatening, breaking up and making up
this is what the living do and you my dear are sooo alive!
my trip has been postponed so i’m sending you love thru the cyber waves!!!!
Handball
Big homie I was speaking about this the other day with a friend and it seems there is something comforting for most of us with self destruction, whatever you vice is? Keep your head up homie and know that you have us all listening, encouraging and fiending for more stories, but stay up and be good first.
okay, Dallas…thank God you are back on track and everything…I really do overstand because I, like you and lots of others, have “issues”…i self destruct, self medicate, and am self absorbed at times…i think it is difficult for people who have a third eye open, because you can not ignore what it illuminates, and then you feel bad because you know that you can’t change everything for the good of all humans….however…i take comfort in knowing the meaning of life…and it’s a very simple concept…we were put here to help one another…plain and simple…at times we need more help, other times we give more…it just depends. just consider this: PEOPLE NEED LOVE MOST WHEN THEY DESERVE IT THE LEAST!
Oh, and also….people always say that opposites attract….maybe initially, but i say “like” attracts “like”…the same way all the “crazy” people are drawn to this sight/blog…remember, we accept you and love you. (period) or we wouldn’t be coming back day after day….okay? think on it!
Dedication:
“Just the way you are”
covered by Barry White
to: DP from: ‘Quay-Quay
Holding on in Sweden, you know I got your back.
rza characterized odb as the ‘purest expression of creativity… and freedom.’ so if gi joe, the true american hero, is all about defending our freedom(s), where’s odb’s medal of honor, uncle sam?
seriously, it’s a uckfing shame that weakness is frequently depicted in media as something to be conquered and destroyed, as opposed to confronted and consoled (who writes this script called life? what a hack). i agree with tiffany, issues are a fact of life and we all have ’em, just in varying degrees. even acknowledging that fear and insecurity are universal can be the most empowering move. you’re on the right track, dp. keep it up.
Sometimes the feelings that we conceal from the world, are the most powerful similarities that connect us the most.
We may not all share the same accomplishments, but more often we share the same doubts and fears on our individual roads.
I wish you much success on this journey, it’s a hell of a walk.
glad to hear it, man. it’s all love.
OK — I got more than a minute now. Props to sintalentos and Shonquayshah for especially incisive and insightful comments. I can’t improve on them but I endorse.
Someone needs a hug
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6yix2MMS-8
… oh mirror oh mirror…
just getting out of my C addiction… drinking to keep the need down (belvedere is alcohol?)… good to read this, to read YOU (incl. comments).. thanks, because here you are actually giving out love+hugs…
Many of us have demons and we work through them in different ways. Some of us drink, use drugs, are mean to people, shop too much, have messy homes, sleep with random people, place ourselves in dangerous situations, etc… we all cope with our issues in various ways.
As black people, we struggle with never wanting to appear weak. It’s ingrained in us from being slaves. We never want to show our fear. But damn, sometimes we are scared of life and scared of ourselves and our abilities to cope.
I applaud you for recognizing that you were not happy with your situation and doing something about it. Needing help is not a weakness, it means that you are normal, human and real. Exactly why I read your site daily.
Good luck with your journey.
beautiful dp.
one of medicine’s issues is its inability to truly LISTEN to their customers….oh, I meant patients.
@ the dallas
Life is made up of a culmination of experiences, so sanity is relative. You are only as sane as what is going on in your life at the moment. What seperates the truly great is to recognize your weaknesses and then use your strenths to turn them around. Being a strong articulate intelligent black man in a world that says that you all dont exist means that you have that ability
Feel the same way, think I’m losing it all the time. Stay self medicated- its good to know I’m not the only one. Good post, appreciate the honesty.
I have no words because I have so many and I dont think they will make sense to try to type it out.
Small world…same frequency.
You’ve got a gift for writing, and more than that, you’ve got a gift for connecting with your audience… when I read your stories, and stuff like this, I can really relate, feel me?
Anyways, thanks, and PEACE.