dallaspenn.com

Editor’s note: Continuing this week of giving shine to the people that pitched in when I was about to do my best SPALDING GRAY off the Staten Island Ferry impression, is someone that we have become familiar with in the last couple of months. Like myself, he uses many aliases for many reasons, but those of us inside the football pool refer to him as 40 DIESEL a/k/a “The DNA lab clone of SHAQUILLE O’NEAL and VIN DIESEL”. In his never ending quest to uncover the Cliff notes to the meaning of life 40 has been many things to many people…

40 DAWG a/k/a TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLME’s LOVE CHILD
I got a secret guys that I’ve been keeping for too long. True story… And since I’ve been embraced by the family and friends here at DP dot com Im’a keep it one hunnit with you. I’ve never been much of a spiritual man, church always bored me and was rather hypocritical. The whole eight days of gifts on Hanukkah enticed me but then I realized I had to give up my Friday nights. There was my stint as Almighty Drewpreme Magnetic God Allah which was short circuited being caught sharing a bacon, egg, and cheese with this cute Italian snowflake Antonella BonGiovanni. Rastafari always intrigued me but the vegetarian thing doesn’t help when you’re a 6’7″ 340 lb offensive tackle. So I wandered on… Searching to have this spiritual void filled I read, labored and studied… I agonized and fasted… I abstained and looked for a sign and then one day I found the answer. SCIENTOLOGY.

I’ve always been fascinated with the book DIANETICS which was a staple commerical during my grandmother’s (NANA R.I.P.) soap operas which she endearingly called “her stories”. I never thought much about it as I got older and saw the commercial less, but in recent years with Hollywood types flocking to it like brothers in the hoosegow to Islam, I figured “Why not”. So in 2003 I copped the book, and was engrossed in its life lessons and teachings. It touched both my intellectual/scientific side as well as answering spiritual questions and musings on the unknown. I decided to buy the farm and throw my full weight behind this phenomenon, plus being able to hobnob with a few Hollywood A-listers at the annual picnic was a perk of the faith. Finally after years of studying I was to be inducted at their yearly Saturnalia festival. I was told that I was to be reborn and my spirit would be transferred in to a new pure vessel. I can’t divulge the secrets of the ceremony, but I did find the “happy ending” at times both odd, and exhilarating.

Earlier this summer I got a letter in the mail that informed me that my “rebirth” has been completed and would be a monumental event. I was to be reborn as…

SURI CRUISE.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 2nd, 2006 at 10:18 am and is filed under Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Jig Lit Review. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.