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BILLY SUNDAY cracks open the archives for another blast from the past…

Since I am closer in age to 40 than I am to 30 and I don’t intend on making many new friends, I need to be in relationships that are grounded in trust. I am developing a litmus test for men and women to give each other that will help you see if the person you are considering dating shares your key values. The test’s aim is to uncover truths at the core of a person’s character.

*Don’t let your date know that you are giving them a test because that may skew some of the answers and lab reports.

YELLOW GOLD or PLATINUM?
Fellas, I would ask you to proffer this question to any lady that you are feeling serious about. This is a really big sticking point and you should know her answer out of the gate so that you can decide to keep rolling with her or get rid of her. YELLOW GOLD ladies are traditional values type people that are more able to accept the team aspect of a relationship. YELLOW GOLD ladies expect to go ‘dutch’ at even an inexpensive restaurant. I find YELLOW GOLD ladies to be more trustworthy and honest.

PLATINUM ladies are into instant gratification. PLATINUM ladies expect to receive equal decision making abilities, but will not pay for dinner. PLATINUM ladies will be into the next precious metal(URANIUM or TITANIUM) in a few more years when platinum is no longer trendy. PLATINUM ladies will lie to your face.

THE PISS TEST
Ladies, this is for you to give to the fellas. At your apartment, or his, start urinating with the bathroom door open and then ask him a question so that he will have to come to you. Something like, “Honey, will you help me zip up my boots?” If he can not bear to watch you urinate then you should get rid of him. If he can’t watch you pee how in the world is he going to be able to watch you bear children? When piss and poop come out of all your holes along with a baby he will be heading for the hills.

THE SMELL TEST
Fellas, your assignment is simple. Go into the dirty clothes hamper in your girlfriend’s apartment and find a dark-coloured pair of her underwear. Close your eyes and smell the love basket, next smell the seat. I tell you to do this with your eyes closed just in case there is some residue left behind. That might unfairly dissuade you from letting your nose do it’s job. That’s why this is called the ‘SMELL’ test and not the ‘LOOK WHAT I FOUND’ test. If you can stand the smell, hell, if you LIKE the smell, keep this woman around. Beauty fades eventually. Pheromones will remain.

Ladies, your smell test is a little bit different. I don’t think that you could handle the angst and pain contained in most men’s boxers(especially mine). You must gather your lab sample from behind his ears or from his bellybutton(if he has an innie). If the smell is too offensive then get the hell outta Dodge. It will only get worse.

THE SIZE TEST
Ladies, we all know that size matters and we have heard all the different techniques to determine if your boyfriends size will be enough to give you satisfaction. Here is a sureshot test to give him and you get to shop all the while. Take him with you to the shoe section at CENTURY 21 in lower Manhattan. If he can look at you and concentrate on helping you pick out your shoes, you should get rid of him. If he has a hard time looking just at you and he seems completely distracted then you more than likely have a winner.

THE FREAKY SLUT TEST
Fellas, you will thank me for this one. Any Black woman who has ever taken nude pictures is on this website. Click the link and open the AMATEUR BLACK WOMEN page.

In the meantime and in between time don’t rush into anything new until you can at least find out how your prospective paramour treats their parents. The Thanksgiving holiday will be here before you know it and until then I advise that all the gentlemen keep a fistful of single bills for all the strippers and the ladies keep an unopened pack of DURACELL batteries in the nightstand drawer.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 22nd, 2005 at 12:00 am and is filed under Lust = Love. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.