Better late than never. I promised my homey Dallas a review of Spiderman #3 last week but got caught up this past weekend. Anyways, here’s the deal:
Sam Raimi is one of my favorite directors ever! Horror films are my favorite genre and Sam blew the hinges off the frame back in the early ’80’s with his “Evil Dead” trilogy (“Evil Dead”, Evil Dead 2″ and “Army Of Darkness”). All of the flicks starred his homie Bruce Campbell who Raimi has continued to use in almost every one of his films. Evil Dead even had mad controversy and was banned in several countries for the fact that the film included a scene in which a chick gets raped by an effin TREE! Yup, you read that right. White stay loving to see their women gets all types of fucked up!
A few years later (1990), Raimi knocks another one out the park with his first foray into the action adventure genre with his instant classic “Darkman”. Every cat in my hood was raving about how gully Darkman was. Yo, if you haven’t peeped any of the above-mentioned flicks, do yourself a favor and Netflix ’em or go kill yerself. A couple of other notable pre-Spiderman Raimi flicks include “The Quick And The Dead” (1995) (a western featuring Sharon Stone) and “The Gift” (2000) starring Cate Blachett which was a creepy as fuck horror joint in the vein of “The Sixth Sense”.
Fast forward to 2002 when dude gets a chance to direct the film version of everyone’s favorite comic book character ever, “Spiderman”. As a life long comic book reader, I have been consistently disappointed with the legion of horrible comic book movies made over the years. Marvel got it right when they first dropped “Blade” (1998) starring Wesley “IRS” Snipes, and it seemed as if things started looking up with regard to the marriage of Hollywierd and Comic book franchises. Anyways, as you all know, Raimi pulled off a miraculous feat with SM. In 2004, the mother fucker had the balls (nullus) to do one even better with “Spiderman 2”. I don’t say this lightly, but I emphatically believe that SM #2 is the best effin comic book movie ever made, bar none.
Friday morning, 12am, Brooklyn NY. Combat Jack, 40 Dawg and Dallas Penn unite to check out the flick that in just a few days will become an effin box office behemoth, “Spiderman 3”. The marketing campaign for this joint is sick, and they had cats all over the globe fiending for a glimpse of Spiderman’s archest enemy of all time: Venom. In addition, we even get to see Peter Parker do his thing in the black suit. After seeing this baby, there are only three words that I can use to describe this piece: Not That Effin Hot (okay, four words).
Pause, don’t… get… it… twisted, I didn’t say SP3 was whack. As a matter of fact, I’d wager that it’s way better than anything dropping in ’07. The Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), a staple character villain from the comic book franchise since the ’60’s is captured perfectly both cgi and actor-wise. The new Green Goblin played by James Franco is meh, but the action sequences between dude and Spidey is some of the BEST SHIT I’VE EVER SEEN!!!! We even get another classic cameo by Bruce Campbell as a French maitre’ d (he played the wrestling announcer in #1 and the snotty theatre usher in #2). The black costume, which is some organic Blob like substance originating from a fallen meteorite that eventually finds it’s way (coincidentally) to Peter Parker is a treat to see, especially since Parker is literally transformed from a geeky White Skinny Jean to an effin OG!!! Peter Parker becomes a Black Man before our eyes, what with him having game with chicks, increased dancing skills (you read that right), an attitude far worse than any West Indian cab driver who’ll ever pick you up, and an improved sense of style in the form of clothes. For real, Peter Parker becomes DeShawn Jamal Parker. Without giving too much away, when Mary Jane gets a lil’ beside herself, DeShawn Parker even gets to put his hands on her all pimplike and proper. Mad props to Ike Turner. Upon realizing that he’s truly becoming a pimp and might even get tempted to further put a shoe on Mary Jane, Parker realizes he’s better off as his true original WSJ self. Everybody wanna be a nigga, but nobody wanna be a nigger!
Enter Venom. Eddie Brock, an up and coming news photographer played by Topher Grace (now that is one eff’d up white boy name) who is real envious of Parker’s success as a Daily Bugle photographer and has no qualms showing that he has hate all up in his blood. Brock eventually discovers Parker’s alter-ego and in a chain of (once again) coincidental events, gets to wear the black costume. Since Brock is a hater, the costume literally transforms him into the monster known as Venom. Although it was a visual treat to finally see Venom on screen, his whole presence in this joint was also … meh. They could have saved dude to be THE sole villain in #4. Oh yes, there will be a number four.
My list of further complaints:
Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) is one fug ugly white chick (Mary Jane is supposed to be the hottest pink toe ever)
Aunt May is mad distracting because her hair game is flawless!!! I mean, I’m not a hair dude like that, but that old chick’s hair was flowing perfectly, all feathery and falling beatifully on her neck (no Eddie Murphy/ Shalomar Atisone Kenneth Seiuli). Beyonce, Kimora Lee Simmons and all dem heffers ain’t got nothing on May!!!
Harry Osborn gets his ass beat and starts crying like a lil’ bitch.
Mary Jane starts crying like a lil’ bitch.
Aunt May starts crying like a lil’ old bitch.
Sandman starts crying like a lil’ bitch with sand up his drawls.
Peter effin’ Parker starts crying like a lil’ bitch.
For a movie that looked like it was going to be the best effin action/adventure joint of all time, it ended up being this real melodramatic bitchfest and tear jerker. I had to check myself several times to make sure I didn’t accidentally walk into a viewing of “The Bridges Of Madison County #2). Plus, because it WAS the midnite showing, Combat Jack found himself digging his nails into his thighs and biting on his inside cheek in order to keep from falling asleep.
As I mentioned, I do believe that there’ll be a fourth installment, but I get the feeling that this is probably Raimi’s last one as director. It’s like a dude that everyone knows has been with a chick, sported her, nutted all over her chin, dissed her and finally leaves her. Spiderman, the film franchise, will always be Raimi’s bitch, but it’s about time he passed it over to someone else. Anyways, I promised my kids I’d see this again with them this upcoming weekend and I will, but unlike “300”, I’m not necessarily hyped about my 2nd viewing. I do recommend you peep SP3 because it really is a good movie, just expect to be amazed and bored, thrilled and let down at the same time. Something like Jay-Z’s “Kingdom Come” album, not whack, but not exactly living up to the level of dude’s prior classics. All in all, Combat Jack gives this baby a three and a half lit blunts out of a possible five.
Sam Raimi, you’re dope and all, but please, save the drama for yer momma!
“Something like Jay-Z’s “Kingdom Come” album, not whack, but not exactly living up to the level of dude’s prior classics.”
So sussinct and so perfect to summarize this movie and like “Kingdom Come” there will varying degrees of love/hate for the flick…
i heard it was the cheesiest of all three, but still a must see to stay up on my pimpin. kansas city had it sold out, but these midwesterners STAY in the theatres so i wasn’t surprised. this weekend fbombs and i will check it out.
DPENN- got the spidey-pack. good looking! my 12 and 13 year olds are juiced. too bad they gotta wait til the weekend and make it without getting on my nerves. good luck with that. thanks a mil though!’
I’m still whylin’ out over ‘Pink Toe’.
I’ll point out the Brock and the suit did come together on some co-winky-dink in the book…but I’m sure coupled with all the “just so happens” that I’ve heard about it brings it down. I wondered how the would introduce the suit. They could have never used the original method.
In other news…Batman Begins sequel “The Dark Knight” is said to have Heath Ledger as the Joker!?!? Holy Brokeback villains Batman!
Now what poor fool had to sit near you, Dallas and 40 at the movies? That’s the real question.
Good spot on analysis Combat!
CJ good review….thought it was just me. I read Spiderman was going to broadway. I see they used the over dramatical scenes and dance sequence for advertisment purposes. They got my man Peter Parker looking like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. Whats with all the bloodclot crying?
The movie just seemed aimed to please too many demographics. That being said if you can get through the Mushy Mushy & ruff story line the movie is a must see for the action sequences alone. Kristen Dunst wants out so hopefully whatever Villian(s) (I predict the Lizard) Spiderman faces next he wont have to rescue MJ again. I had thought Nikki Cox would have been more suitable fot MJ.
I thought the movie was horrible. The dancing/Good Charlotte goth interlude? That was TERRIBLE. Kirsten Dunst is a dud. The script sucked. It was too long–I could go on.
Also, I think that the best of the new-jack comic movies is X2 (which, of course, was sullied by dumb fuck Brett Ratner when he made X3).
^ X2, imo, falls a close second. My analysis accounts for casting as well and with regard to X2, Hallie Berry fucks up the score. EVERYONE in SP2 is perfectly casted.
Re: Nikki Cox as MJ. She’s SMOKING!
^^^ Candice – LOL! The 40 sits next to NO ONE at the movie theater unless I’m with a female, otherwise the nullus seats are always in full effect! However we did high jack a nice piece of real estate in the movie theater for viewing purposes…
Joey,
The X-Men franchise was dope, but the Spiderman series had more fidelity to the characters in the SP universe.
The X franchise has too many characters cast as children who were adults in the books.
Amanda Peete looks like Steve Ditko’s Mary Jane drawing in my opinion.
I never understood why Kirsten was casted as MJ.
^Joey, you’re not lying. X3 was doesn’t come close to X2.
It would be interesting to see some one like Jerry Bruckheimer or Robert Rodriguez tackle a Marvel property. I know I’ll be getting some thing either incredibly action-packed or something quick and true to form without any unnecessary hollywood fluff. They’re not going to turn SP into a love triangle story or some other bullsh*t stoyr-for-the-masses recipe.
300, got made in the original vision of the creator. He did not try to water it down to please many people . . . AND THE MOVIE WAS GOOD and did great at the box-office!!
That’s fair, I suppose. I was on the periphery of the comic world and didn’t follow the books as closely as I did the cartoons and some of the other attendant pop culture.
Oh yeah, they are making the Magneto spin-off movie. And I’m sure Wolverine will be getting his . . . they need to make that big without any extra introspective exposition into his human psyche. If I wanted that, I’ll read a novel on Wolvie.
A Mags story can go so many ways.
D, is that a BYRNE drawing? I forgot how DOPE Byrne’s few Spidermen jernts were.
I gotta dissagree. In fact I would go 1 step further to say that this was the best out of the bunch, I feel that it captured both the action and the emotional aspects of all caracters beautifully, and when they replayed uncle henry dying, and he shed that 1 single tear, I said to my self, “self, now thats good acting”!, The only effed up part was Mary Jane,that snowflake kept giving me a glare on my glasses with her white ass skin. Plus she cant sing for shit no wonder she got fired!
CJ,
I try to use Byrne drawings exclusively unless the drop is about another artist.
and Misha Meesh,
I think you mean Uncle Ben, but anyhoo…
Uncle ben, whatever it was brilliant!, and if i didnt have a 12 year old daughter who even studied for Math so she could go, I would never have seen it! But you’re right the old broad’s hair game was tight!
^ Aunt May keeps the Dominicans on speed dial!
I was disappointed in the movie. The action scenes were pretty good though. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t the best of all three for me. E..you say Kristin wants out? Good. I’m getting tired of her teeth! It’s time for a new love interest. Doesn’t he date the receptionist in the comic book?
What’s up with Harry? I mean, that’s not suppose to happen…
When we saw the movie, the theatre was crowed but at the end, about two people started clapping and the look on folks face as we walked out was like “WTF?” That Black Spidey suit was tight though :-). I liked him better that way.
DeShawn Jamal Parker LOL
I think the movie would be better if they only showed the action scenes and nothing more. Horrible ass ending too. Straight Garbage. So i guess if people go bad, they go emo with the flock of seagulls haircut and everything??
I thought it was the best cgi had to offer at this point in film…
^ “So i guess if people go bad, they go emo with the flock of seagulls haircut and everything?? ”
lol. real emo.
A great list of top comic book movies from worst to best.
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/features/special/2007/comic/
SP2 is at the top of the list!
For a movie that looked like it was going to be the best effin action/adventure joint of all time, it ended up being this real melodramatic bitchfest and tear jerker.
dats some funny shit.
I’d like to see someone bring Secret Wars to life somehow.
Peace Jack
So I finally saw Spiderman on my own terms last night. By that I mean a divx file courtesy of the internet God’s. I must say I thought it was cool except for the 5 minute venom entry towards the end. Glad I saw it for free though…I’m sure Fantastic Fours gonne be better and Tim Story (A Brother) is directing. So i’ll support cause I wouldn’t want him to flop and have to do Soul Plane 2
I’m not holding my breath for FF2. I’d like to announce that Sylvain White, the jig that directed “Stomp The Yard” had offcially been slated to direct the next adaptation of Frank Miller, “Ronin”. Gotta support Black.