You know what I think is fucked the fuck up? Nobody ever gives praise to GOD for having a great bowel movement. All things come from the one and a truly magnificent movement is divine. Just think about the crazy machine that is the human body. Think about all the food that you eat that isn’t brown, but then GOD blesses you to process that food and break it down for it’s nutirents and vitamins and whatever, and then you discard it like you never even ate it. I remember one weekend that I ate like six cans of tuna. Come Monday morning my dump smelled like tuna oil. Thank you Jesus.
I bet some of you pray and hold hands before you eat. You should hold someone’s hand and pray to GOD before you take a shit as well. Thanking GOD and praying for a healthy, nutty log. I like to eat corn without chewing it so I can see what my shit schedule is like. I create a doodoo blanket in my toilet bowl by leaving several plys of t.p. inside the bowl. In this way I can extract the log for examination.
I check for a sturdy consistency and a nice saddle brown coloration. If your doot is too yellow that means you need to increase your iron and vitamin C intake. If you stool is really dark brown then you might have some intestinal bleeding. I think it’s important that we all examine our dropoffs as we get older in order to maintain a working knowledge of our own personal infrastructure.
I hold my poop in my hand to see how firm it is. Sometimes I leave it on the windowsill in order for it to harden. After it hardens you can sculpt your doot into different shapes and motifs. I thank GOD for giving me the artistic talent to create lifesize human statues out of my feces. Everyone should pray to the Lord before their next visit to the poo poo throne. And all good things shall come from GOD. Amen.
Damn DP:
THat first pic made me sick!
Keep ’em coming!
hahahahaha
My mission this week is to pinch of a foot long without it breaking…..
back in the day I would wait until my roommate left for work and flush the toilet to drain it….turn off the water at the base so that there was just a little puddle to catch my turds with…..and throw down the nuttiest shit known to man…..then wipe my ass and line the inside of the toilet bowl….
similar to a chef preparing his best meal and preparing it on a plate….that shit would go down at 8am….he wouldn’t get home until 5pm……..
^ Ah yes, the unbroken footer. Thank you Lord.
I have a project for myself this week as well. I am swallowing(w/o chewing) a dozen halved pistachios to check my schedule.
Taking a good shit… Busting a nut… Good post OE piss… Afternoon nap… Good soul cleansing burp… Breaking off a fart real proppa-like… Scratching a good itch… All of these simple pleasures that are just part of our basic human physicality… I appreciate them all and thank the higher power for my faculties to do so.
once, our Father in Heaven did force me to repent from taking Him for granted, by permitting the evil one to strike me with a vexing of diarrhea. Blessed is He.
the unbroken foot-long superterd is stuff of legend and mysterious powers. Once said poop is confirmed (notary public or unbiased roomate..NOT a fiance’…..don’t ask), the owner is immediately bestowed the rights due any superhero until his next bowel adventure, which will undeniably be lamesauce by comparison.
I humbly remove myself from this display of manhood as drinking a pot of coffee per day doesn’t allow my foot long baby to fully develop.. 🙁
This post and a picture of Nick Cage, Treasure Douche allowed me to just drop something brown and shaped like the alien ship from Flight of the Navigator. It’s like the island on LOST.
^ Brick Cheney,
GOD is good indeed. May you be blessed with firm, nutty-veined cornlog now and evermore.
Amen.
God Bless Dallas ………
No Bullshit, whats up with the doo do? Praise to our creator! Word up DP for recognizing our human qualities. You are one of the few niggas that keeps it on the real tip like this!! Hella fooz ignore that they fart or take shits….especially at peoples houses. Its crazy b/c with my job, I am in everyones home, and thats the only place you have to go to the bathroom while performing the service call.
One of my homies told me about this miracle shit, that before you lay down some brick in a toilet, you put a few drops of this stuff, and you don’t smell a thang!! Just sweet roses!
http://www.thedrops.com/
If any of you do work that involves going to peoples houses, and you have to lay down some bricks….cop the Drops….they save your life and the people around you!
Thank GOD that a had my breakfast allready!
Keep On Pooping!
after reading this the light of the lord hath washed over me and i’ve gotta take a shit
god works in mysterious ways my dudes!!!!
great post dallas!
i like it when
a) poop hits the surface of the toilet water before breaking off
b) poop is so long that, when flushed, it has to sort of wiggle around a little bit to get a straight shot down the toilet hole.
Y’all’s stupid. But I do thank God after a productive session on the throne.
I drop the kids off at the pool twice a day faithfully. 5 am and 5 pm swim.
If you don’t shit at least twice a day, you are constipated.
Float or sink is a must. Consistency is a double workout. Can’t be too wet or too stiff. In regards, this one keeps a hefty dosage of Summers Eves cleansing cloths on hand and the ‘flushable’ baby wipes for the guest.
No dry wipes and unwashed hands this way!
Praise The Almighty God!
No lie, I’ve had a footer that had to stand up, turn around and go down the drain. Can you say I went to bed happy that night!
Good Post DP. All praises due to the diety of defecation.
Where the rest of the ladies at? Oh yall never take a dunk right. Most ladies be backed up for like 2- 3 days so they don’t feel the same liberation at the bowl.
^ for the sake of my sanity, I’ve convinced myself that ladies completely digest food then vaporize it internally–and therefore don’t pinch stinkloafs that gross me the hell out.
I’m a lady and a proud daily dumper thank you! Gotta keep the temple toxin-free ya feel me? I analyze it to gauge my overall health, regulating my water and vitamin intakes accordingly. Great post!!
^ dammit.
We don’t believe you…u need more fiber. Guess who’s bizzack.
After a good one I hear a heavenly chorus. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Second to last pic.. that’s Mr. Hanky!!! (The Christmas Poo)