Your’e In The Army Now…


What would an Independence Day holiday weekend be like without some military propaganda to rally the people around? I just went ‘plexing with CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE last night and we saw the latest ‘Die Hard’ installment as well as the ‘Transformers’ movie. The feeling I got after leaving the theatre is that even in a time of war our military has plenty of time and resources to film two and a half hour commercials.

The ‘Transformers’ wasn’t just a commercial for joining the Air Force either, but an advertising tour de force featuring Coca-Cola (who else?), Nokia telecom products and heralding the possible resurrection of General Motors. Further proof that the AutoBots were actually idiots is that they transform into Chevys, Dodges and Pontiacs. Ferrari, Maserati? Not so much. These weren’t just robots here to save humankind, they were here to protect the American way of life. And trust me, there is nothing more patriotic than buying shit.

The new ‘Die Hard’ movie was also themed at defending our way of life and the product placement was a little more subtle, but you still received your fill of Nokia PDA closeups as well as high speed car chases in GM vehicles. Fuck the fact that gas prices are out of this world, go out and copp yourself the 08 Yukon XL. It’s an FBI/Homeland Security favorite. Despite all the commercialism contained in both of these movies they are still worth a watch. BRUCE WILLIS has pretty much run the schtick of hard-boiled NYC detective John McClane into the ground, but he still has the timing left to deliver an expletive laced punchline that all of us moviegoers love. Think of ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER with a way better accent.

‘Transformers’ was actually a kiddie movie when it all washed out. There were a few lines interspersed throughout the film that harkened back to the O.G. cartoon series, but in the end it lacked the bang as a new story. An interesting sub-subplot is that Optimus Prime and Megatron were brothers. In my opinion, that would have been a way iller storyline to have them dudes on some Cain & Abel type shit, traveling through the galaxy kicking each other’s asses for no money down. As a sidenote, I think they enlisted DARIUS McCRARY to perform as the negro AutoBot called Jazz. It was the great SCATMAN CROTHERS who voiced this character back in day. Disappoinments aside, I’ll still copp the DVD when it drops and therefore complete my part in the patriotic process.


‘Live Free Or Die Hard’
I give this movie three (3) Lutherburgers with extra cheese, replacing the beef with jive turkey John McClane.


I would rate this movie two and a half (2.5) retahd kids because you know that they’ll love all the explosions and shit.

17 Responses to “Your’e In The Army Now…”

  1. LM says:

    I doubt I’ll be seeing these flicks, but thanks to your reviews they have provided excellent entertainment.

  2. thoreauly77 says:

    goddamnit! leave it to michael bay to fuck up what i have been waiting for as a live action flick since forever. my babymoms called me yesterday to warn me not to go see transformers because the soundtrack has taking back sunday, goo-goo dolls (are you motherfucking kidding me?), my chemical romance, and nickelback (amongst many other of the most offensively shitacular “rock” bands). dallas, your review only solidifies my concern that michael bay has bastardized what could have been one of the most bitchin movies ever. damnit, now i just wish i didnt want to still see it!

  3. Meka Soul says:

    * dies at the retarded rating *

    and yes, that was eddie winslow as the breakdancing [WTF???] autobot.

    thor, if you’ve seen one michael bay flick, you’ve seen them all. duke uses the same elements in all his films.

    “transformers” = “bad boys 2” + the robots from “small wonder”

  4. I would rate this movie two and a half (2.5) retahd kids because you know that they’ll love all the explosions and shit.


    *comes back to life*

    Yo I havent watched it yet going tomorrow , as long as they didnt fuck up my boy StarScream I am fine…dudes voice and perfidiousness(sp?) in the cartoons was classic


    ^^this is the StarScream I fondly remember, dude was gully and a bitch, though I am only fond of female bitches and not male robot bitches

  6. Ream_Team says:

    Not to hate on your dude, I Fux, but StarScream was a sniveling little bitch, was he not? Soundwave was that BOY!! Although, you’d think, as a Boom Box, having speakers and shit, he’d have a voice that was at least somewhat intelligible.

  7. the_dallas says:

    Yeah, I didn’t feel the SoundWave incarnation, but I imagine after watching it again I will see the Panasonic logo on the boom box/clock radio. Starscream once again gets pwned by the AutoBots and sent off into space.

  8. Sangano says:

    Star Scream was an OG fav, they totally fucked him over with poor design and zero plot input….

    btw did you notice the only autobot to die was the NeGROBOt????….Jazz got served up nicely by the MEgatronDon

  9. Dart_Adams says:

    I wish I had high enough expectations for this flick so I could even be dissapointed as to how it turned out. I have been hardened by years of having Hollywood butcher the initial spirit of things I used to like through their adaptation process (I’m looking at you, X-Men, Daredevil, Elektra, Ghost Rider & Fantastic Four!). I can’t wait to see how their gonna butcher the Thundercats and Speed Racer in 2008. Good drop, Dallas.


  10. Eloheem* says:

    I agree with your assesment of Transformers D but overall the movie was still enjoyable. The computer generated effects alone should be enough to get at least 3 full Retahds.

    I knew Jazz was dead from his introduction. I
    It seems the new Hollywood trend is to use Hyper product placement in SCI FI and Comic book flix. Fantastic Four was the same way.

  11. enigmatik says:

    Glad I’m not alone in seeing that Transformers was not all that. Bring back the old school version any day of the week compared to this big budget ish.

  12. nation says:

    >> I would rate this movie two and a half (2.5) retahd kids because you know that they’ll love all the explosions and shit.


  13. Ream_Team says:

    just saw it. I was actually talking about the old Soundwave in my earlier post. The new soundwave was a BITCH (a GPX boom box) Straight fuckin’ Jar Jar Binks, but Asian. However, I do wonder if his “Oh shit,” was a throwback to the word “shit” used in the OG cartoon movie – a big deal back in the day when cartoons didn’t curse. True to form, Starscream disappointed Megatron, which was cool. His moves were fresh, too. OK. Sorry. Gotta go join the Air Force now. BRB.

  14. Ream_Team says:

    Politics aside, I def got a bit tingly when Prime said, “roll out.”

    *rolls out*

  15. Eloheem* says:

    New Soundwave = Gremlin

  16. Big Homie says:

    I want a boy toy in my happymeal. Autobots…transform and roll out.

    I fucked with the Transformers flick, but need to see the new Die Hard joint soon.

  17. Combat Jack says:

    I agree with your rating on Transformers. Why they gotta kill the only Black Autobot yo? Same shit, different movie.

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