dallaspenn.com

Editor’s note: Sneaker Fiends United west coast bureau chief MEKA SOUL drops some science.

Special note: This post is inspired by the inventor of the original Ghetto Celeb Mathematics, Dallas Penn.

Being sick sucks.

In my wonderfully woeful world I spend a lot of time by myself, so when I am under the weather I’m pretty much fending for dolo. While spending a good 14 hours a day in bed and slowly rotting out my brain to random Xbox gaming sometimes helps, for the most part I struggle to retain a singlet of the creativity that powers the spot.

Things could be worse, I guess. I could be any one of these “rappers” facing anything from attempted murder charges, drug possession, or just being flat-out banned in certain cities. Rather than trying to decipher what goes on through these scuttle heads’ brains, I’ve tried to come up with a scientific solution, and thanks to the help of the acclaimed Dr. Penn, I’ve managed to break it down to a rapper’s genetic composition.

As humans we are all mixed in with everything from love to hate to rage to chicken, but it is usually two or three predominant combinations that compel us to do the things we do. After a little bit of researching, I’ve discovered the features that directly influence the trouble-making characteristics in four of your favorite rappers.

So without further adieu, I’d like to present visual evidence of these characteristics…

The drugged-out mischief of Curious George combined with the hyperactivity of Red Fraggle produces the sizzurp-induced semantics of Dwayne Carter. It’s quite easy to see that if Birdman – his Man In The Yellow Hat, if you will – had provided proper parenting outside of internal hugs, there might have been a chance that Mr. Carter would not have grown up to become the drug addled rapper he is today. Let’s continue…

The gun toting, idiotic tendencies of Elmer Fudd divided by the hot headed demeanor of Montana Max equals T.I. (or T.I.P. Or whatever he’s calling himself nowadays). You can’t entirely blame Clifford for wanting to buy super blammers. Just blame his genetics.

The money-hungry tactics of a tall Israeli multiplied with the smoothly addictive style of Joe Camel cigarettes produces Jay-Z. It’s no wonder why we keep buying his albums even though we know they’re crap.

The feline features of The Cowardly Lion over the sum of the natural beauty of the Grand Canyon yields the plastic surgery-mangled Lil Kim. This may be somewhat inaccurate, however, as the Grand Canyon is not entirely smoothed out.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 1st, 2008 at 12:34 pm and is filed under Crappers, Ghetto Celebs, iNternets Celebrities, Sneaker Fiends United, The Guest Room, Weird Science. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.