I haven’t done a BeYonce Factor in a very long time. Mainly because no one can compete with her. She is like the Godzilla of pop music starlets. Who from her era hasn’t she crushed? Ashanti? Dead to me. Amerie, Ciara, Keisha Cole are all fractions of BeYonce. Even Christina Aguilera and Brittney Spears are washed up next to BeYonce. Who wuld dare try to rise up and challenge the current queen of R & Backside? It looks like we found a contestant in the homewrecking chanteuse ALICIA KEYS.
The internets have been buzzing with the story that ALICIA KEYS is dating Swizz Beats who is suppose dto be married or some shit. Waitaminnit? ALICIA KEYS dates guys? Swizz Beats dates women? I guess mutual beardism is the new beardism. *shrugs shoulders* ALICIA is also co-starring alongside Jay-Z in the music video anthem for New York City ‘Empire State of Mind’.
You folks remember how the BeYONCE Factor works don’t you? It’s really simple and here’s a quick rewind of the format for all of you folks scoring from home or the office…
Jig, spic and priveleged celebs will be rated on a scale for how close their game comes to that of the pinnacle of all jiggaboo goddesses – BeYONCE. In parentheses are the factors that give each candidate a high or low score depending on how we at the website rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they will receive the full allotment of points (100).
1) Can you say her name – (the more‘Black’ sounding the name of the candidate, the higher the number of points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the candidate have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the candidate had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the candidate ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the candidate?)
6) Dangerously in love – (is the candidate in a relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)
Okay, so the criteria is established. Let’s see how ALICIA KEYS stacks up…
1) Can you say her name – Alicia is hardly as ghetto fab as BeYonce – 50pts
2) Can she pay her bills – Alicia holds down a gang of Grammy awards – 100pts
3) Is she a survivor – Alicia hasn’t had to fight through bad press from former bandmates – 0pts
4) Baby boy – No pregnancy rumors. Evar – 0pts
5) Cater to you – Alicia is fine as wine – 100pts
6) Dangerously in love – Alicia is rumored to have broken up Swizz Beats marriage – 100pts
7) Bootylicious – I’ll let the pic below answer that – 100pts
ALICIA KEYS only comes up with a total of 550 BeYonce Factor points when we include the 100pts she gets for being a superior actress to BeYonce, and even then that isn’t enough for her to topple Bey from her perch on the top.
Read this and weep ALICIA KEYS stans. BeYonce is still the boss of this shit.
Alicia looks damn delicioso and wins in these pics, but for screwing somebody’s husband, Alicia could never win with women. But of course men could care less. We love some harlots!
However, Bey stays having her shit on point, Alicia just learned how put her shit together, you see she still hasn’t perfected how to walk in them heels. She just stepping from behind that piano…you remember when she first came out on some real tomboy type ish, then she has that matching grown man voice in interview…kinda creepy.
But then Bey has that same creeoy voice, but when she puts it on, and stomps across the stage, in heels…..GOOT GAWT!
If she ever goes broke, she never has to sell the catalog. The wigs alone on eBay would put her back on 1000 trillion.
you couldn’t wife alicia. you couldn’t trust her. fuxin wit someones husband? secretly munchin other stankys? no way.
DirtyJerz,
Yo sonn did we have this convo? You called it perfect. Alicia Keys can’t even stomp in heels yet. Yeah, she might have a mean stance but she has no steps. BeYonce has paid the price for stomping hard in 5-inch heels too. I know you seen the pics of Bey falling on her head in concert. Bey is a survivor. Does Alicia really, really fux with men? I can’t call it.
Alicia’s just now getting her grown woman on, but when she got up from behind the piano @ the world series, the cakes were nothing to scoff at. It’s hard to forget the micro cornrows & over sized clothes though. She was a slightly girlier Da Brat. I swear I’d heard she was Latifah’s boyish toy some time ago.
Beyonce, nah, too much sextification happening whenever I see her. I watch her videos. My wife likes her music, so it’s easier for your boy to ogle. I’ve seen Alicia, like Ciara & Ashanti, get pawned by her back up singers/dancers. Thats never happens with Bey; Shawn won’t have it. She’s truly a beast in the best possible sense of the term. Her ass alone is a performance worth drooling over. The decent music is a bonus.
If nothing else though, Alicia’s a sleeper. Nowhere near The Bey, but looks like she’s revving her engines as we speak.
Since Tony Grands brought it up I’m just going to throw this out there…
Alicia Keys wins in every way possible against Beyonce with her MUSIC. Even as a woman, who apparently should be genetically predisposed to enjoying shit like this, most of Beyonce’s solo songs hit my ears like nails on a chalkboard. For some reason I only seem to dig Beyonce’s shit when she’s collaborating with some rappin ass man. Or with Sean Paul. But all this “Diva is a female version of a hustler” and “all my single ladies” shit makes me want to stab my inner ears with ice picks. She needs someone better writing her songs.
i don’t care what people say, i’ve been saying alicia keys is wifey status for maaad loong. that home wrecking status doesn’t bother me one bit. for me Alicia>>> Bey
@ambassador
I’ll say this though; Musically, Mariah smashes them both.
caaaaaaaaaaakes!!! u know I luvs them pseudo creoles and mamacitas, Alicia’s cakes overshadowed Hov’ and the World Series my g.
She may be phuckin wit Swizz for trax and because he has a “name” but don’t let the god spit that 85 live in her air….she just the type to scoop me up from in front the crib while wifey inside telling me not to be out all night getting hi and drunk wit them nikkkas.
Mariah can outsing Alicia and Bey
Alicia can outpiano a bitch in a minute
But BeYonce can outperform everyone in the game
BeYonce is that chick in the pr0n flicks who rides, sucks and uses both hands to hold cock. She just wants the title more than any other chick has ever wanted it. Salute her.
“BeYonce is that chick in the pr0n flicks who rides, sucks and uses both hands to hold cock”
^^^^fantastic visual, DP. I don’t doubt that you imagined it once or 50 times…now, I shall share that vision with you [||].
Tony Grands and D.Penn –
Although I agree that Mariah wins vocally and Alicia wins in a piano sense and Beyonce’s music still annoys the shit out of me…I bring up one more point: I feel that Ms. Keys has the best songs in terms of how they are written. Beyonce’s music just sounds like doo doo to me. Mariah has a great voice but sometimes I feel that her songs are not arranged as well as they could be or they just get corny. Alicia has that grown-folk style class, whereas Mariah writes those songs that 4th graders will do karaoke to because they are the only ones with voices that will hit that note. Word to the chick in “Rush Hour” who was belting out “Fantasy” before she almost got served in the house special chop suey. It also took me quite a few years to realize that “Fantasy” was actually a cover of an older joint. Shame on me. But I still stand by that point.
Alicia’s music I will listen to when I’m 50 years old at a dinner party. Mariah and Beyonce…not so much. And when age sets in and the T&A sags beyond surgical repair…you gotta factor in the music.
^^Word. Alicia writes her own joints, right? I remember Mariah saying that she co-wrote her joints or giving credit to her writers or something like that. But, I won’t take that away from Keyes, as far as power of her music. She writes, plays piano & is growing up nicely. I’m sure her thongs will agree. I know Beyonce doesn’t right her shit. Or @ least she didn’t.
Still, Beyonce is a sight to behold for right now, literally, even if she was singing in Vietnamese, I’d be watching her gyrate to & fro. The last real song I liked was “Dangerously In Love With You”. After that, all the music started to sound the same. Too many anthems, not enough ballads. But, I’ll watch her videos all day. Might even put it on slow-motion.
I don’t even think Mariah belongs in a “competition” between the two, I just brought her up because the vocals, when done right, kill shit.
Word is Bawn…..I friggin hate all their music, but if I were to pick one for that, It would go to Mariah, hands down. Simply because she got a joint with the N°. 1 Rapper Ason. That, my friends, puts you on win status every time.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say…Alicia has a sewn-on booty. I’ve researched the old videos, and it appears that in her first videos she has an extremely long back, with no bump. Perhaps Clive Diddy had the vision to take her from behind the piano, and get her eagle on with a prosthetic boonky that’ll bring all the boys to the yard. Works for me.
Jerz. Out.
I give props to Bey. She is an all around performer. If you have ever seen her in concert, she is a beast. She will dance, sing, hang from her hair from the ceiling, bust her azz and play it off with an old school backspin and then pose. She is hardbody on stage. Like you said DP….she WANTS it.
Mariah can sing. Vocally, neither can touch Mariah and her catalog of hits speaks for herself. Marrying Nickelodeon Cannon? minus 500 pts. WOMP WOMP.
As for Ms. Keys, love her for repping NY….for effing with a married man who looks like big bird? NOPE.
I’ll roll with Mrs. Carter. She keeps her and her husband’s name out of the papers as they stack the paper. Bonnie and Clyde indeed.
Dallas,
“BK is from Texas” (Houston) and Ms. Keys was born in Manhattan. I guess she gets no points for being blood.
You wrong homie.
J
B is the finest of our time, no contest. Keys ain’t got the pipes(pause), looks, or steps to fuck with B.
@ 1969
she is a beast. She will dance, sing, hang from her hair from the ceiling, bust her azz and play it off with an old school backspin and then pose. She is hardbody on stage
Nicely put, my G!
You can just tell that she fux with the same zest and vigor.
frankfurter chathaus