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Editor’s note: With all the good writers that have pitched in to keep this boat floating the last few weeks I realize how lucky I am to be at the epicenter of this movement. That’s prahlee because I have my own gravitational field but I digress… You folks are in for another special treat this Friday. One of the longtime readers of this site and established blogger in his own right does some supreme investigative journalism to uncover the dark secrets behind the Muppet Show. AMADEO SOGNI is a site that just like DP Dot Com can find the common thread between Star Wars, sassy women, liberal Republicans, free concerts and bowel movements. The author is a renaissance man without being cliché. A free thinker and friend to the site, here is a small taste of what he brings to the table…

THE RABBIT FROG HOLE GOES DEEP (no JIM HENSON).

“You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
Roger ‘Verbal’ Kint – The Usual Suspects, 1995

So you really think it’s all fun and games? You think they’re here for your amusment? Well let me educate you on the empire behind “The Muppet Show”. It all starts with the Frog and works it’s way down.

The Frog: He’s like Frank Sinatra except he doesn’t just know people…he is people. Some guys buy clubs and use that as a front. Well, Kermit went the full nine and became an entertainer as well. That way he’s on front street in a legit fashion and no one suspects his true status. However don’t think that people who tried to play him on the Muppet Show didn’t get served. Mark Hamill was on after Star Wars, word is he said something out of character to the Frog and since the trilogy the only thing he’s done is the voice of the Joker. Harrison Ford showed proper respect. Kermit has been recruiting since the cradle, Muppet Babies wasn’t a show it was a proving ground…that’s why Scooters sister didn’t make it, he had already found his woman. The Frog stays out of suspicion by looking a certain way…child friendly.

Scooter: Having seen what happened to his sister, Scooter got himself together, went to school and became a financial wizard. His books are so clean you can eat off of them. The Frog is keeping some secrets about Scooter that stop him from getting out of pocket…or going into Kermits. He also books the acts for the show. Scooters best move was flipping the dirty cash between countries. I don’t have all the details but when it comes back it’s clean and has increased by 15%.

Ms.Piggy: This is the big man’s woman. It may seem like she intimidates him, but that’s all a show. He runs the show in the bedroom. However, her strength ain’t no accident. Who better than to be your bodyguard than the woman you run with. Piggy has broke off enough people who stepped to the Frog the wrong way. An example…

Gonzo: This cat (or whatever the hell he is) used to be a real player. As it goes he stepped to The Frog on some takeover nonsense and the Pig rearranged him. Gonzo used to be something you could identify but, after the Pig was done all the doctors could do is what you see. He was also left a little funny in the head, why do you think he runs around with a chicken. He doesn’t know it but, he’s used as a threat to people The Frog needs to make a point to. “You meet Gonzo…you wanna end up like him?”

Fozzie: This is proof that The Frog is a man of his word. When they were little Fozzie took the heat for one of Kermit’s first charges, thus keeping his record clean. The Frog promised to look out for him and he has. I mean the only thing funny about him is that he considers himself a comedian. Plus he’s not even a decent bear. The Frog keeps his word though.

Dr. Bunsen: Bunsen like burner. This is the guy that created Crystal Meth and Ecstasy. The Frog has his hands in everything and designer drugs are Bunsens specialty. If you wondered why his assistant Beeker is so messed up…he’s the one who has to test the stuff.

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem: This is an example of The Frogs vindictive streak. So The Electric Mayhem just wanted to make it in the business. Kermit wanted to sample some of Janices melody making, but she was Floyds woman. Kermit was just going to knock them off…then he saw Animal and realized he could be useful. Instead of just taking animal away, he signed the band through Dr. Teeth to a horrible contract. Let’s just say in 2050 there is an option to release the band but, only Kermit can exercise it. Animal, however, has been trained in 10 fighting styles and is the Frogs #1 hitman. He’s the one they send in to take out groups of people.

Statler and Waldorf: These two are the real show of The Frogs power. These two mentored Kermit when he was a tadpole. They figured he would grow up and work for them. Wrong. He grew up and took over their turf. He doesn’t kill them cause that would cause too much beef with the “Family” in the Old Country. Besides he keeps them locked up and all that they can do is heckle acts on the show. From players to hostage spectators.

The Frog has an army behind him if you really cause a problem The Animal will come see you. For smaller fish he has Crazy Larry (he’ll really blow your spot), Lew Zealand (he only throws fish on the show – in real life his thing is blades), The Swedish Chef and if he wants to keep the bodies away from him he can always call in his people from the “The Street”.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 17th, 2006 at 5:50 am and is filed under Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Social Upheaval, Straight Laced, When I Reminisce.... You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.