I won’t pretend to be smarter than anyone here in our group, but I can’t deny feeling slightly hoodwinked when it was revealed that through DNA tests it can be proven that BARACK OBAMA’s family owned slaves. In all actuality shouldn’t that make OBAMA as presidential as say, GEORGE WASHINGTON, JOHN QUINCY ADAMS and THOMAS JEFFERSON? That information at least confirms his status as an American.
The reason however that I feel somewhat cheated is because DNA information is more far reaching than just looking into the last few generation of someone’s lineage. DNA represents the blueprints for the building blocks of all living organisms. Everything. You can use DNA research to find out from where we have evolved. It’s this kind of information that punches creationists in the mouth and makes Christian conservatives put their hands over their ears. I don’t believe that DNA refutes GOD, it just proves that the creator has a sense of humor.
I decided to perform my own set of DNA tests on the 2008 presidential candidates in the DP Dot Com Science Lab also known as my bathroom. I don’t have any microscopes or special X-Ray machines, but I do have the remnants of a chicken pot pie that I ate last night and a broken Etch-A-Sketch. Let’s see what kind of information we can ascertain about the candidates using my empirical methods…
BARACK OBAMA = African Meerkat
The Dutch imperialists that colonized Africa and fucked it the fuck up for generations called this cagey feline a meer kat because it could be found near large bodies of water and lakes. Meer is the Dutch word for lake, and kat is the Dutch word for Black guy.
Lo and behold that BARACK is definetly from Africa and he lives in Illinois next to all those Great Lakes and the what not. See kids, science is easy and it doesn’t even require any brains.
JOHN EDWARDS = Smiling Frontrunner
Smiling Frontrunner was the colt that nearly won the Triple Crown in 1953 but was killed on the New Jersey Turnpike in a car accident after winning the Preakness. Back in those days there weren’t any horse trailers so if you wanted to get your colt to another race out of state you had to put them in the back seat of your convertible.
It’s obvious that JOHN EDWARDS uses an entire bottle of Tail & Mane Conditioner on his wig and that goofy smile proves that he likes horsing around.
JOHN McCAIN = Pitbull
American pitbulls are notorious for being schizophrenic sociopathic animals. Some people say that in order to cultivate the most vicious tendencies from these animals you have to feed them dog food sprinkled with gun powder.
Lord only knows what the Viet Cong fed JOHN McCAIN during the time he was a P.O.W. I imagine him biting off the ear of another candidate during a heated debate like that scene in ‘Apocalypse Now’.
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON = Pug
Pugs are adorable because they’re so gotdamned ugly. The best trait of any dog is it’s loyalty to it’s owner.
People said that CLINTON was a Black President, but HILLARY CLINTON was certainly no Black First Lady. Can you imagine a real Black woman’s reaction after that LEWINSKY scandal broke wide open? She would a broke hell’a fool on BILL CLINTON. Telling his business in the streets. Getting down with his homies like VERNON JORDAN. The CLINTON’s weren’t the first Blacks in the White House, they were the first white trash hillbillies.
RUDOLPH GIULIANI = Vulture
What kind of animal is at its best around lots of dead people?
If New York City wasn’t populated now by so many tourists and Mid-Westerners there wouldn’t be all of this clamor for GIULIANI. Right before 911 we thought we were finally done with this miserable bastard. This insufferable prick had run off from his family to shack up with some lazy socialite. GIULIANI as our nation’s president is a bad omen for our troops overseas since the only thing he is famous for is presiding over (and subsequently mismanaging) the thousands of dead uniformed servicemen at the World Trade Center.
DP DOT COM NEWSBREAK * UPDATE * DP DOT COM NEWSBREAK
JOHN EDWARDS = Tender Flower
ANN COULTER, the leggy blond Cuntservative pundit has said that JOHNNY BOY has a broken wrist.
Come to think of it, there is something slightly TED HAGGARD about his persona (no Methamphetamine MIKE JONES to this observation).
sheer genius…if i do say so myself.
dallas: you’re KILLIN’ em. damn.
american politricks in a nutshell, right here.
that first paragraph is the HEART of “forefather” americana.
This is so dead on…..all this insight from the remnants of a chicken pot pie? Who knew?
“I decided to perform my own set of DNA tests on the 2008 presidential candidates in the DP Dot Com Science Lab also known as my bathroom. I don’t have any microscopes or special X-Ray machines, but I do have the remnants of a chicken pot pie that I ate last night and a broken Etch-A-Sketch.”
LMAO, see how easy it is for us to rig some ish up!
“Dutch word for Black guy.” WTF!! LMAO
D. I’m nominating this one for Dallaspenn post of the year…….thus far….
I’d like to thank you for ruining a conference call here at work. I thought I was on mute listening to corporate banter and I read Obama = Meer Kat and I’ve officially lost it. Jesus man. That is hilarious. I’ll try and read the rest of this.
D, how was 300? Had to bail on ya.
Back in those days there weren’t any horse trailers so if you wanted to get your colt to another race out of state you had to put them in the back seat of your convertible
^^LMAO any of ya’ll hear that Devin the Dude Andre 3000 song shit is bananas
JOHN EDWARDS = Tender Flower. Now that sent me over the edge. You tryna get a sista fired from work or somethin’ Dallas?!?! AWM124135247365!
Good post my dude.
*** This just in the house has drafted up a time line to withdrawl troops from Iraq
By fall of 2008. Bush says he will veto any such plans. Its on! ***
Ya’ll see that ghost of abu ghariab HBO special damn shit was depressing
hey dallas:
what is up with all the midwesterners moving to NYC? i’ve read about that phenomenon and it seems so weird to me…
for your next political/scientific experiment, may i suggest using a broken lite brite and some vienna sausages…
In response to an older post (I’m just catching up today) you said “MORE Iraqis have been killed (after we liberated Iraq) than during SADDAM’s regime”
Exactly where the hell did u get that “fact” from?!
MILLIONS died during the First Persian Gulf War (Iran-Iraq War) which was during Saddams regime and the deadliest war since WW2.
Not to say the number of Iraqis being killed now (by Iraqis and Americans) is anything to ignore but throwing in a line like that takes away from the reality that Saddam was in fact a dictator and Iraq was not peaches and cream before the US invasion. Thats a fact.
Not saying millions of Iraqi’s died (I think over half the casualties were on Irans side) but the number of Iraqi casualties in that war are still greater than how many have died in the current civil war.
^Here’s your fact although it’s estimated that 1mil Iraqis died while under Saddam’s regime those numbers are difficult to establish because there isn’t a body count that satisfies it. Approx 1mil Iraqis are dying a year since 2003.
If you say that Saddam was a bad guy then why does this administration have direct links to supplying him with arms, aid and intelligence throughout his entire regime. And what makes him a dictator? The fact that the elections in his country were rigged?
Lastly, I appreciate that you spend time here, but I find it misleading for you to leave a comment inside a thread where your discussion doesn’t originate. It’s a bit disingenuous. I hope that I haven’t hurt your feelings and I hope you return to express your views. I also hope you do so in a manner that helps everyone benefit from your participation.
Y’all come back ya’hear
Gotcha. Will do and no feelings hurt.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
that is all..