blu cheez mister met

And you know Mr. Met don’t give a fuck if it’s ya’ birthday!

My little treat to myself to jump off my New Year (yes Rosh Hasha’anah) was to go to the big ballpark in my old ‘hood in Queens. It’s kind of how I reconnect to my parents who are no longer taking me to the cheap seats, and how I replenish my energies and return my focus. Plus, it’s beisbol bitches.

And beisbol has benn berry, berry good to me (yes Chico Escuela).

The only catch right now is that my azz is broke as fuck. Well, I’m not broken, since I am in one single piece. Okay, okay, one BIG, single piece, but my azz still ain’t got no money in the bank.

This is when I look up to the heavens and I ask my great-grandma for some help. She used to come all the way from Co-Op City on the QBX-1 bus down to her old house in Corona where my mother and I lived in order to babysit me. If you have ever had a grandmother then understand that having a great-grandma is like putting the little 2 symbol next to the word grandmother. It’s like grandmother squared. The power of love gets all exponential and shit.

Well what do you know? PEDRO MARTINEZ is on the hill for what might be his final game of the season and I just happen to have a few ‘Vote For Pedro’ t-shirts left to bump off. GOD helps those that help themselves so I packed my little bag with t-shirts and made myself a sammy to smuggle into the game.

There’s nothing better than a pumpernickel bagel with Nova lox, cream cheese, tomatoes and a slice of red onion. That my friends is good eating.

There’s also nothing better than having a birthday party with 50,000 festive people. I don’t know how many people actually showed up for the game, but it was way more folks than I could afford to buy drinks for to toast me. Even a few celebrities showed up too. Like this foine little cub reporter from channel 9 news. I forget ol’ girl’s name, and she had a little fatty too. She told her cameraman to take some pics of us because she didn’t trust my skills. Typical for a Black woman not to trust a brother just because he’s a sloppy, fat bum with flat pockets.

nicole johnson

Kiss me, I’m an iNternets Celebrity.

Just as an aside, BRENDA BLACKMON would have let me stick my tongue down her throat. And it was my birthday for crissakes!

nicole johnson

nicole johnson

Enough hi-jinks with the real world news celebrities I had t-shirts to bump if I was gonna be able to buy myself a ducat to get up in this piece. Time for me to get my true school hustle steez on.

People are whizzing by me at lightning speed. While flatfoots are on the patrol to knock anyone moving that illicit contraband (read: unlicensed merchandise that MLB isn’t getting a cut off). I’m smooth though because this is some shit that I did when the heat was really on. R.I.P. BAR-KIM and 101st and Northern Boulevard. Take a look for yourself…

So after my work was all sold I put my paper right back into the community by hitting off a scalper for a one-piece.

At first I was like “Hell no!” since the date on the ticket said June 28, 2007 but then dude reminded me how his shit was 100 because the game tonight was a makeup joint from earlier in the summer. Yeah, he was right.

The St. Louis Cardinals were in town for a one night stand. Maybe we could get us a little get-back from last years’ NLCS, although even a win tonight can’t deny the Cards their World Championship so whatever.

My seat was supposed to be in the upper deck of Shea Stadium and I will tell you a true story in that I haven’t sat up there since my homey ViceGrip’s moms took us to a game when DAVE KINGMAN was still on the team.

Fuck what my ticket says, I’m sitting on the field level in a box seat behind the Mets dugout because that is how I enterprise my lifestyle. Y’all should do the same too. Ghetto Big Mac your lifestyle nah’mean?!? Don’t just settle for ketchup. Put some special sauce on your shit. I politicked myself through the security at the field level and then found an open seat, and when these Italian niggas sitting next to me looked at me funny I looked right back at them. Indignant ignorance is a DP trademark.


Besides, the Mets needed me up front for encouragement and support, and as you might imagine I am one of the greatest hecklers of all time who can keep it funny and keep it G-Rated for the ladies and the kids. BLU CHEEZ is for the childrens.

No amount of encouragement would save the Mets on this evening however, and I unfortunately made more noise than the home teams’ bats could. I was even tempted to start the wave in the latter half of the game, and the final two frames found me wearing my OG fitted in rally cap mode all to no avail. At the end of the game St. Louis had once again bested my beloved Mets (yes eff you BYRON CRAWFORD), but at least I placed my vote on the only candidate that I believe in.



26 Responses to “GO DALLAS! IT’s YA’ BERFDAY!”

  1. dubble13 says:

    Happy BornDay DP:

    Rep yo’ city (and mine)!

  2. Amadeo says:

    Happy Personal New year

  3. prynsex says:

    Happy Earthday to you!

    Njoi, Enjoy Pnjoi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. nation says:

    [insert shit i said this morning]

    *passes DP a blunt and a Heineken*

    *goes to iPod dock*


  5. rafi says:

    Great post. Happy birthday bro.

  6. Beggar says:

    Yo happy bday my dude!

  7. 40 says:

    Happy Born my dude. Holler at your peoples…

    Also in honor of your the day you were raised to the heavens and told “Behold the only thing greater than myself” I picked DALLAS in my suicide NFL pool. It was written.

    I got a 6 of Billy Dee on Ice.

  8. Belize says:

    Happy Bday DP…smoke good, Fuk good , eat good, live good


  9. Aunt Jackie says:

    happy born day, maybe i’ll celebrate your day at dodger’s stadium!

  10. Dart_Adams says:

    I went to a Red Sox game on my birthday…Clay Buccholz pitched in his pro debut against the Angels and he won. See how I did that? I turned it around and made it all about me.

    Happy born day, Dallas! What’s up with the Mets, though?


  11. i sent you something in the mail earlier this week dp. it wasn’t intended as a born day present, but *shrugs* happy born day! let me know if you got it.

  12. zillz says:

    happy birthday man.

    i know im in va. and u know im a yanks fan. so IVE NEVER HEARD OF THE METS IN MY LIFE.

    wtf is a met? 🙂

  13. zillz says:

    btw next time squeeze her booooooooooooty

  14. Candice says:

    The Mets currently suck but you don’t! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU DP. MANY, MANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. Tiffany says:

    Happy Birf Day Dallas…Bestest Internet Celeb Evar!!


  16. alex2.0 says:

    happy birthday!!! want me to send you ak’s new album in nov? haha!!!

  17. jdotnicholas says:

    Happy Birthday my Nucka!

  18. 911 says:

    I hope you had a happy “berfday” family.

  19. Tony says:


    Awesome photos. Nice. Best birthday post EVAR!.

  20. Well…It’s still 9/28 in Cali, so I’m not too late to wish you a HAPPY BIRFDAY!!

    I *heart* you DP!!

    Dang, I still got your # locked in my cell phone…I’mma give you a call…real soon…



  21. kev(nimisiskrash) says:

    yo what crime it iz dall this is nimisiskrash my bad i did not get back to,this summer was crazy. im the con that had on the decept foot ball jesery you met at the brooklyn bo fest downtown i was whit ruckus(sean p) at the joint. hit me up when you get the chance.peace hail meg.

  22. the_dallas says:

    I bow down to your love for me and my obvious narcissism. This was one of my bestest berfdays evar. I was nearly arrested for shoplifting and public drinking and then C.S. took me to an adult themed circus where contortionists impaled themselves with 10ft dildos[ll].

    I think I’m in the right frame of mind now to talk about Hip-Hop so let’s get back to the business of doing what this thing is we do. I love all of y’all and y’all don’t even have to impale yourselves with autoshop equipment for my enjoyment.

  23. Cashus Clay says:

    Happy belated DP

  24. Happy B-LATED B-DAY DP!

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