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Editor’s note: MAXINE explains why the ladies love rock the bells.

“A class for youth, sex ed for your head, the do’s and don’ts that should
happen in the bed.”– (c)Nas- ‘Dr.Knockboot/I Am’

We ring bells ring for a variety of reasons. Literally, and figuratively, bell ringing is a staple of society’s history. The Liberty bell was used to call the first Continental Congress together in 1774 and later became a prominent symbol of the American Revolutionary War. Do I need to remind you of the “moaning and groaning” of the bells made famous by Edgar Allen Poe? And of course, the Slave bell, used frequently at the Cape colony when slavery was a common practice. The bell is rung as an attempt at getting the attention of large groups of people for speeches, or other purposes like… Dinner.

I emerged from the lobby of the Hyatt and stepped right into a bustling, loud, and incredibly sunny, downtown Denver. After hailing the first taxi in sight and rattling off my address, I settled into the backseat, hid behind my shades and started re-playing the night before. It didn’t take long to realize that the Dominican brother from flight 472 had taught me some things I would not soon forget. Here you will find the Do’s and Don’ts of a process I like to call… “Ringing the Bell”(No Anita Ward)

*turns the lights down low*

DO treat this task with gentle and unabashed affection.

DO think of it as a beckoning, a calling, talk to it with warm whispers saying
sweet things,
dirty things,
naughty things,
tender things…

DO start slow and easy, enjoy each and every moment.
Small circles,
easy circles,
longer circles,
wider circles,
light whispers,
faster circles,
sharper circles,
wiiiiiiiiiiiiiider circles,
loooooooonger circles,
airy kisses,
warm whispers…

DON’T forget to give the ‘New York Hello’, or use the ‘Canadian turn signal’ or, well you get the point…

Pushing, pusssssshing, puuuuuuuuuushing,
pulling…pulling…PULLING!

Resting.

Sliding,
gliding,
rising,
falling,
calling,
beckoning,
pleading,
punctuating,
emphasizing,
pushing,
pulling…

DON’T find it necessary to do make that exaggerated swallowing sound. I know what you’re doing… I can see you… I’m watching you… The top of your head.

Fresh braids,
zig-zag parts,
back and forth,
up and down,
small circles,
long circles
light, airy kisses,
I’m watching you…

DO know when you’re hitting the spot. Not that one, but thaaaaaat one.

DO take the obvious for what it is.

DO know when something feels good, and when it feels GREAT.

Hearing, “This-was-such-a-good-iiii—dea” from the recipient is a safe indicator.

and finally…

DON’T switch your style up. If it ain’t broke…

This is just my perspective, do you at all times but, everyone can use some tips right? I mean, Michael Jordan never stopped practicing free throws, Ike never stopped slapping bitches, and T-Pain can’t stop, won’t stop using the Auto-tuner. Do what works for you!

I do know that a bell-ringing Dr. Knockboot exists in each and every one of you. I want to hear the sound of bells ringing all over! From the snow-capped mountains of the Colorado Rockies, to the very depths of Alabama. From the mean gritty streets of Brooklyn, to the gentle coasts of Rhode Island. You can do it men! Make it plain. Go forth and bring good cheer. May the chime be with you.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 20th, 2007 at 3:51 pm and is filed under Lust = Love, Maxed Out, The Guest Room. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.