SIMPSONS vs. SPEARS
So many people have been ready to throw JAMIE LYNN SPEARS under the bus since the news of her pregnancy surfaced last week. You know her story is big since it has almost supplanted the talk of steroids use in baseball as the major woe for the decline in American civilization. I certainly blame no one and I eagerly look forward to the day when JAMIE will undoubtedly use her 15 minutes to leverage the publication of her nude pictures.
The larger question is what will JAMIE LYNN look like when she returns from her maternal duties. JAMIE LYNN’s older sister BRITNEY had been fast-tracked for success and pop culture superstardom since she could walk. BRITNEY was a Mouseketeer and child prodigy who has sold over 80 million albums in her recording career. You would have to admit that the SPEARS duo was a pretty formidable pop culture tag team, but how do you think these two sisters would fare in a cage match catfight against another pair of star sisters?
Sit back and relax this Christmas as DP Dot Com presents a night of cage match catfights between some of American pop culture’s most talked about sister combos. Our first match pits BRITNEY and JAMIE LYNN SPEARS versus the SIMPSON duo, ASHLE and JESSICA. The SIMPSON’s are also singers slash actresses that were raised in the confines of the Christian fundmentalist system. As soon as their father and mother, both church teachers found out that the Jesus racket was drying up they decided to push their daughters towards the white, hot lights of fame and superstardom.
When you compare BRITNEY and JESSICA as far as their singing talent you have to favor BRITNEY, but not by much. It’s just that JESSICA is that bad a singer. JESSICA however, does pwn BRITNEY in the body department although I can’t confirm if those tits are real or implants they sure are milky and white. As an industry whore BRITNEY nudges past JESSICA again. BRITNEY presumably effed JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and since N’Sync > 98 Degrees, JUSTIN > NICK LACHEY.
It was widely reported that JESSICA had been a virgin until she was married to LACHEY, but right after their divorce in 2006 JESSICA has more than made up for lost time by effing somewhat comedian DANE COOK, jackass JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, Maroon 5 frontman ADAM LEVINE, JOHN MAYER and Dallas Cowboys quarterback TONY ROMO.
JESSICA’s sister ASHLEE is where the SIMPSON tagteam starts to fall the fuck off. ASHLEE began her showbiz career as a backup dancer for her sister. This is pretty bad since her sister is a singer of extremely marginal talent. I think ASHLEE my have had some boob augmentation as well, but I can’t call it. ASHLEE’s greatest publicity came after she was in a lip-synch debacle on Saturday Night Live. The younger SIMPSON dosn’t hold the same sexual morays that her older sister once did and is on the record for saying that “amazing sex” is the key to any relationship.
JAMIE LYNN SPEARS has barely given herself anytime to get her acting career underway before she released the news that she is three months pregnant from boyfriend from Mississippi. This physically confirms that the SPEARS sisters do actually fuck people. And they like it raw. These are pluses for the SPEARS in the cage match catfights. Adding to their totals are BRITNEY’s stints in rehab, shaving her head bald, and all the times she has gone out in public with no covering on her cooter.
Even though JESSICA SIMPSON clearly has the best body of this group it’s the SPEARS’s sisters younger ages and the potential to use their poopchutes to repopulate the planet by themselves that gives them the edge in this matchup.
Britney a better singer than Jessica?! I must disagree. I mean what the fuck does Britney actually SOUND like? Check Jessica tracks like “I Wanna Love You Forever” and homegirl is putting her lungs to use. Name one track when Britney does that. Britney just moves her lips and lets some sorta digital shit sing for her. She sounds like a frog. Perhaps you’re mistaking Jessica’s singing with Ashlee’s.
I also think Jess’s boobs are real. Far be it from me to believe the TV but this is logical – apparently she wanted to be a Christian music singer but the churches were disapproving solely because her tits were too big and they knew that she would draw attention for the “wrong” reasons. And this was when she was a lot younger and probably not old enough to have a surgeon agree to do that surgery.
Yeah, I watched too much E! True Hollywood Story.
co-sign on ambassador’s remark about the singing… britney isn’t nothing: without pitch-correction software in protools, homegirl ain’t goin nowhere.
That said, i’d still give the edge in a tag-team tourney to britney and her stunt double. that girl’s rocking the thickness, while those simpson girls look mad fragile. plus, she and britney II are good ol’ rednecks from louisianny. You know how they get down, for real.
In about five more years the Spears pair will have a football team size litter running over paparazzi in their pick-up trucks while throwing bottles of Coor Light out the window.
lol@ dallas but I think you’re right on this one. That Britney bitch looks scrappy and Jamie Lynn is a lil’ heftier than Ashlee. I think they would rock them lil ho’s. But thats prolly popular opinion so I would have to put my money on the long shot if Vegas was taking bets.
Give Team Simpson access to their dad as a 3-man tag team and they still don’t hold a chance against The Spearsesses. Britney is just overweight, on all kinds of pills and still a physical altercation short of the White Trash Triple Crown. I’d bet on Brit’s retard strength to shred those Texans. Tracks will be pulled out, makeup smeared and probably some real sloppy attempts at lezzer kisses followed by prolonged sobbing.
Ashley can get it right now.
^ ‘brits retard strength’ LOL. The previously unachieved level of trashocity from spears’ camp owns all.
i think ashley simpson getting booed simultaneously by 100 thousand people at that BCS National Championship game a couple years back was the most hilariously embarrasing thing i’ve ever witnessed..