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LOHANS versus OLSENS

The second cage match catfight gets a little more gully and a lot more wealthy when we pit the hardbody Hollyweird tandem of LINDSAY LOHAN and ALIANA LOHAN against the two-headed K-Mart dynamo OLSEN twins. The OLSEN twins have so much money they were rumored to cut a GOD a check to help him pay off some mortgage issues to a bank in Israel.

The OLSEN twins have been caking up since they were six months old and for the next two decades they have made seventeen motion picture apparances as well as a half dozen television programs always starring as two precocious twin sisters. The OLSEN twins practically do everything together and they both attended New York University upon their graduation from high school. The OLSEN twins fairytale lifestyle is 180 degrees away from the hardscrabble, climb to the top of the heap made by LINDSAY LOHAN and her sister ALIANA.

Hardscrabble in the well-to-do white sense of the word, the LOHANS relocated from the Bronx to Nassau county, New York. LINDSAY and ALI’s father had to do two separate stints in the pen because of his risky business on Wall Street. While in and out of the pokey his daughter LINDSAY’s career has flourished. Now that the father has returned home from prison LINDSAY has accepted the mantle as active LOHAN jailbird. Two arrests in 2007 netted LINDSAY a day in jail and three years probation. Add those charges to the three times that LINDSAY has entered drug rehab facilities and it’s obvious that the eldest LOHAN could kick the OLSEN twins anorexic arses by herself.

Where the OLSEN twins dominate is in the flyover states competition. There isn’t a Wal-Mart which doesn’t hock OLSEN branded products marketed directly to the most insecure consumer demographic on the planet – 13 year old girls. If you live in Kansas and your daughter has just had her first period there’s a solid gold chance that mom has bought your little girl a box of MARY-KATE and ASHLEY’s “My First Period” tampons by Tampax. The OLSEN twins are more branded than cattle from Kansas City.

I predict that the LOHANS defeat the OLSENS easily and ALIANA LOHAN regrettably records another horrible Christmas album. While the OLSEN twins might be the wealthiest sibling tag team this side of NICKY and PARIS HILTON their combined curb weight is no match for LINDSAY LOHAN’s backside and overall hardbody jailhouse physique.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 25th, 2007 at 11:32 pm and is filed under BeYONCE's Hair, Ghetto Celebs, H.A.M., Hollyweird, Lust = Love, Wig Owners. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.