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Editor’s note: MAXINE picks up the slack here at DP Dot Com while we traverse the friendly skies.

STOP!!

I care too much about the safety of the American flyer not to tell this story. Hear me and understand that there is no ulterior motive or hidden agenda and this is truly for the sake of all who travel through God’s blue sky. This is a true story, from which I have nothing to gain.

I was on the flight from Denver to Charlotte where the pilot’s gun discharged. I felt weird the whole morning. You know how you just feel it? I knew there was something I needed to pay attention to and as a very alert and instinctual person these gut feelings have helped me in the past so I knew
not to dismiss them.

We boarded and began preparing for takeoff, I was having a pleasant conversation with one of the male flight attendants about the warm weather sure to greet us in Charlotte, and I noticed one of the first class passengers being shaken and tossed about! Surely this was not US Airways policy and I was not going to stand for this direct violation of human rights so I marched over straightaway and said,

“He is a human being first, even if he is flying first class!!!”

The flight attendant responded, “Well show me your W-02 forms then if you think I’m being so unfair.”

Hmm.

I retreated to 22F and returned to praying for my “Baron Davis Twists Ankle” headline before opening the Denver Post. We settled in, me enjoying the view from my window seat, when an hour in I heard glass shattering! The commotion seemed to come from the front of the plane so I immediately pulled off my sunglasses and headed in the direction of someone needing assistance.

Forgetting my own safety, I threw the curtain aside and hurled myself all the way through the first class cabin to the door of the cockpit. I knocked and banged repeatedly saying, “This is Maxine, from 22F and I’d like to be let in to facilitate this apparent emergency.”

The pilots informed me that a bird with what looked like Iraqi markings on its wings had flown a bit too close for comfort so the co-captain pulled out his four-fifth to let him know that US Airways ain’t having it. When the gun discharged it created a small hole in the floorboard so I repaired it quickly using my pocket sized air compressor for oxygen.

Crisis diverted, I engaged the co-captain in a game of Sudoku and chided him into better spirits, sometimes accidents do happen with guns right?

“Maxine?”

“Yes?”

“Our records show that while you were on Flight 1536 from Denver to Charlotte, you were on the Thursday flight, this incident occurred on Saturday and was not nearly as exciting as you reported it to be.”

“Ah yes, but the internets are not concerned with the minutae, strawberry yoghurt or vanilla yoghurt, ’tis all the same in the end. What matters not is the day that I went, only that I did go. The matter at hand is the safety of the American flyer!”

“Yes, but do you think your comments can be seen as, ah, misleading in that what you said happened could not possibly have occurred, given the accounts of the pilots and staff aboard the Saturday flight from Denver to Charlotte?”

“Listen, I’ve been awake at hours that would make the average American cringe, way past 3am I might add, holding my candle to the light of hope that the Nuggets will make the playoffs. There are causes that require my passion and time so forgive me if I am, God forbid, a sleep deprived human being and forget minor details in a story that happened ages ago.”

Only in America.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 27th, 2008 at 8:20 pm and is filed under Harpers Weekly Review, HUFF YOU!, Maxed Out, Politricks, Social Upheaval. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.