BILLY SUNDAY’s Guide To Black Women’s Hair…

ebony3

In a few weeks we will all be under siege with another 28 days of Black Bullshit. Some of you take advantage of Black History Month to learn the names of some of your jig co-workers. That’s nice of you.

As a preemptive public service I thought we should create a guide to help people learn more about Black women according to the hairstyles they wear. The thing about Black women is that each different hairstyle comes with its own prerequisite attitude and lifestyle. This handy guide will help you choose a comparable Black female friend based on the style of her hair, and the best part is that she won’t even know how you knew so much about her.

skeeball THE SKEEBALL
I took this name from Byron Crawford because it’s so apropo. Skeeball head chicks are always unbalanced. Heaven forbid you are trying to get close to a bi-racial skeeball head girl. These chicks have too many issues to even begin to wrap your head around.

upchuck THE UPCHUCK
Sometimes this style looks like a mini explosion at the back of someone’s head, but I think it’s meant to look somewhat Euro-casual. If the Black chick that has this hairstyle also wears a shaggy off the shoulder sweater I think you can trust her because she evidently doesn’t get out too much.

lil' bro THE LIL’ BRO
When the skeeball starts to grow back in hopefully the girls mind is also returning. By the looks of this sister and the rack she’s holding I would be down to talk some ‘Free MUMIA’ bullshit with her in the chance of scoring some pro African poon.

curly lil' bro THE CURLY LIL’ BROHAM
Here’s a look at the wet side of the Lil’ Bro style. Remember that girl group TOTAL? The lead singer had this haircut and she wasn’t gay after all. At least I don’t think so. Girls that sport curly lil’ brohams are cool to hang out with, but make sure you let them know from jump street that they have to pay their own tab. These chicks are saving money on styling by wearing this hairstyle so they can afford to pay for their own dinner.

crazy lil' bro THE CRAZY LIL’ BROTHER
The name says it all when you meet one of these chicks. She’s one of those broads that had one of those ‘horrible’ long term relationships. She’s just getting her shit back together after a small stint in the pysche ward. Inside she’s a nice girl, but everything you say reminds her of the last dude. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have sex with her. She will stalk your azz.

broke bitch THE UNEMPLOYABLE
Sometimes known as the W.I.C. check. Whoever wears this style I can guarantee you they don’t have a job or their own business, unless you call braiding hair in your kitchen ‘ghetto entreprenuerism’. The other thing that I can almost assure you is that this woman’s name has way too many vowels. Something like Starrkeysha.

self employ THE SELF-EMPLOYED
When you see this hairstyle you should understand the ambition that is contained in the wearer. She is a driven hard worker and she owns her own business. The question though is how many people want macrame knitted clothing? Not too many. If she could pore her energy and focus into a commodity that people wanted then maybe she might have enough money to pay for her own movie ticket.

stripper THE STRIPPER BRAIDS
This is what being self-employed is all about. Nobody tells her where to go or when to come (pun always intended).

finger waves THE O.G. FINGER WAVER
I’d like to act like I don’t have an aunt that has this hairstyle, but I’m sure there is someone in Petersburg, Virginia related to me wearing this ‘do.

blondread THE BLONDIELOCKS
Whenever I see a lady wth her hair bleached out blonde I just shake my head. I don’t have conversations with these women because I imagine that their sensibilities and politics are all jacked up. Who was the one that told them their hair looked better blonde? And why did she believe them?!?

boygirl boy THE BOYGIRL BOY
Quick message to parents… Stop making your sons look bitchmade with long hair. They’re boys and they aren’t supposed to be cute.

doobie THE DOOBIE WRAP
This is what you want to get next to fellas. Everything about this female is right on point. Long pressed hair, nice smile, and uh, nice kerbangers. You see she has a nice little fat on the back of her arms too so you know she can cook. I say bring some fried boneless chicken breasts over her house and a bottle of Reisling wine. When you get this sweet tender thing just a little drunk she will go down in you. At least that’s what her hairstyle is telling me.

doobie THE DOOBIE DON’T
Anytime you come across a chick with her style this tight my advice would be to leave her alone because she is gonna cost way too much money to keep up her hair and trust me all she thinks about is her hair. She’s in love with her hair because everyone compliments her on it. Her hobby is her hair. Her baby is her hair. If she has a child it is getting fed after her hair.

doobie THE BLANGE DOOBIE
Black women love to dye their hair this wild color that combines auburn and blonde streaks. I have taken to calling this hyrbrid hue Blange (pronounced blahnj). The really excessive women will also dye their eyebrows and try to match up their lipstick. You can’t tell her she isn’t fly either. She parlayed her community college experience into a civil service job and she balls out in Miami Beach every Memorial Day (yawwwn).

lion queen THE LION QUEEN
Speaking of civil servants, let’s not forgot the wearers of the oversize box braids at the office. I wonder sometimes if actual African people look at Black Americans and laugh on the inside.

shirley THE SHIRLEY TEMPLE DREAD
Blue contacts? Nose earring? Looks like another charity case if you ask me.

non pro THE NON-PROFIT
Figuring out someone’s profession from looking at their hairstyle is one of my talents. This style is worn by most of the Blacks that have graduated from historically Black colleges and universities and now work at one of the countless educational and non-profit endowments that have been established to give these people with worthless degrees someplace to work. She shops at IKEA and makes you take your shoes off when you come in her house, but she smells so damn good its hard not to eat her up like a plate of collard greens and macaroni and cheese.

bonetural THE BONETURAL
Combining LISA BONET with the natural wet look is one of my favorite styles, but be sure you check the back of the girl’s scalp for the weave. You’d be surprised how many liteskinned ladies are imitation Indians. She told me she had some Sioux in her blood, but she really meant lawsuit. Too bad that I have a thing for the grey-green eye chicks because she was a grimey type broad to steal money out of your wallet when you were asleep.

bonetural THE SELF-UNEMPLOYED LIL’ UPCHUCK NON-PROFIT CURLY BLONDE DREAD
I know that I killed all the above women that had these elements in their hairstyles and the truth is that I’m sure they’re all really nice people once you get to know them. I just had to point out that the greatest thing about Black women has nothing to do with their hair. Their undeniable power comes from that space on their shoulder right where the neck comes in. It’s soft and tender and usually smells like some kind of fruit. As long as a Black woman has a clavicle she doesn’t really need any hair.


Warning: count(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable in /home/dallasp/public_html/weblog/wp-includes/class-wp-comment-query.php on line 405

96 Responses to “BILLY SUNDAY’s Guide To Black Women’s Hair…”

  1. Combat Jack says:

    This was a good one mayne. Funny as shit!

  2. Skeeter Valentine says:

    ima have to pull a jack move on this one…

  3. 911 says:

    I’m pretty sure there’a a part two and three….or just a series of these correct.

  4. p-city says:

    D –

    “The Unemployable” was just plain wrong… in that so right that it is wrong kind of way.

  5. Candice says:

    This is a good one.

    The crazy lil brother looks crazy as hell.

    In addition, I have a relative who will not cut her son’s hair. People mistake him for a girl all the time. Everytime I see him, I piss her off by asking her when is he getting a damn haircut.

  6. CB4 says:

    Damn… you went all out on this one lol. Funny shit.

  7. Amadeo says:

    Blondie locks are always curious to me…it’s a step below asian women dying their hair blonde. I just want to ask what their goal was.

  8. miss ahmad says:

    damn…i kept scrolling down to see a picture of me!

    foiled again! good thing I just made another appointment to get my weave done!

  9. Tiffany says:

    Dallas these posts get better and better. Hilarious!!!

    Yeah, Keisha from Total wasn’t gay after all. She’s with Omar Epps. They have chil’ren together…

  10. BooBooos says:

    Lol…enjoyed this 🙂

  11. petersburg, va!!! skeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeball!

  12. Vik says:

    ddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. you’re crazy for this one dallas.

    this had me laughing, esp the woman in love with her hair:Her baby is her hair. If she has a child it is getting fed after her hair.

    TRUE.
    PEACE

  13. FaTBoY says:

    I was just talking bout this shit at work today. Man it’s the way we wuz raised yo. We GHETTO. And we don’t even know we GHETTO.

    You see, all the women in the pictures truly believe they look good. Having your HAIR DID in the hood makes a women somewhat of a ghetto celebrity. It seperates you from the bum chicks that can’t afford to go to Shaqwanna to get they hair fixed. Or the chicks that can’t afford to get perms regularly. Or the bald headed chicks that overprocessed they shit to the point that it won’t grow back. What’s really messed up is that when they look in the mirror they don’t see nothing wrong wit those hairstyles. They see masterpieces; works of art. It’s the way we were raised.

    Its just the way it is. Throw in the green/brown/grey contacts and go get the nails did and you become every thugs dream wife.

  14. LL(not the rappa) says:

    lol..luv this post..*i guess im the doobie wrap*

  15. Eloheem Star says:

    I misjudged a female because of her hair once. She had long curly thick hair down pass her shoulders when I first met her. Everyone always complemented her on her hair. She cut it really short and let the perm grow out. I dug that because I thought it was a sign of individuality. I thought I found a woman who was bold and immune to vanity, a India Ari I am not my hair type chick. 8 years later turns out she was just lazy and didn’t want to be botherd with the grooming. Its been a long, long, 8 years.

  16. jen says:

    I am deeply saddened that my hairstyle was not included. Longer natural hair that is curly to kinky rather than wavy to curly. I guess somewhere between THE CRAZY LIL’ BROTHER and THE BONETURAL. There are plenty of us running around. Why no love?

  17. The O.G finger waver is a classic! I saw that you have the Aunt’s listed with this one, but homie dont forget the Uncles who sometimes rock it with a lil “shag” in the back!!

    Classic post fam!!

  18. The re up says:

    fuck yall hoes..

    na im playing, another classic post from DP.

    Keep bringing us more good shit. 1

  19. get fresh says:

    Is that Coco from SWV with the “Doobie Dont”?

  20. I’m taking this with me to the club.

  21. Tony says:

    Holy Shit, I’ve seen all of these hairdos but now I know what they mean!!! Nice, awesome, amazing list and way too many classic lines for me to quote.

    Personal favorite: The Non Profit . . . Reminds me of all my mom’s friends.

  22. esbee says:

    This is the OG of all posts…

    Like we need a DP’s greatest blogs of all time, this is top 5 online or offline..

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

    and yes we Africans sometimes laugh at some of our black sisters here in the States on the inside..

    A couple you forgot to add tho:

    The Wrap upchuck

    and the ALL-Curl

  23. sasha says:

    what about the bun? like when the ‘bonetural’ won’t act right so you just pull it back…..cause sometimes it just don’t curl up all over. i blame it on my indian ancestors! (grins)

    BOOOOO for relaxers and hair colors that aren’t naturally occurring in the wild.

  24. bfnh says:

    you might have started a revolution w/this one. i might have to jack this as well.

  25. Blue says:

    You are a fucking fool Dallas.

  26. yeahisaidit says:

    …DP, DP…yo, man thanks, literally, for the “heads up” on these broads…niggas gotta know to look out for those “do’s that say don’t…”

  27. Shonquayshah says:

    where do i fit in?

    i rocks cornrows underneath and “oprah” style wig?

    i’m so confused…just consider me a halfrican-american

  28. the_dallas says:

    ^Shon, your’e good to go. You put on a Gayle King over an Unemployable.

  29. belovediva says:

    Loved it!!!!
    I’m at work laughing my ass off. This was some funny ..scary tru ish!

    Keep it up Big D!

  30. j9 says:

    this is awesome, now i know how to judge a woman by her hair!

  31. kitty says:

    this is truly unbelievable that we as a cultural can belittle our sense of style and indiviualism,is it not enough that other culturals are doing the same things to us that we are doing to ourselves?when will it end? i am sadden by this display of self hatred.yes you may say its all in fun,and i may be a bit too seious about it,but when do we get serious? when is it the right time to take ourselves seriously? please let me know.
    mykitty6111@yahoo.com
    GOD BLESS,
    KITTY

  32. Gee says:

    You shoulda put a disclaimer on the banner for all of us that made the mistake and opened this at work!!!
    I pesonally printed out a copy and sent to my sister to hang in her shop!
    Self hatred? you should SEE the shit that they ask my sister for and if she dosen’t give it to them…they go elsewhere. This is not rocket science or genocide we are talking about. It is rampant ignorance that we subject ourselves to in order to fit in .
    I laughed my ass off!

  33. danita says:

    Interesting that you find almost every black woman that doesn’t endure a permanent chemical process to straighten her hair to be crazy or unemployable. The irony is overwhelming.

  34. ME says:

    I will NEVER understand why some otherwise-intelligent black people feel that when a woman decides to wear the natural hair texture God granted us, she must be crazy. Has the European/white standard of beauty affected us that much? I don’t hate on women who choose to relax, as I did for over 20 years and rocked it like a champ past my shoulders. It would be nice for women who choose to be natural to receive the same courtesy.

    The next time you’re in the grocery store, pick up a box of no-lye relaxer and a bottle of Drano Max and you’ll find that they contain the same active ingredient, SODIUM HYDROXIDE. Putting creamy caustic Drano on my head, sitting in a salon for hours before you get to the stylist’s chair, running from raindrops, avoiding swimming pools and the beach in 90-degree heat – in my mind that was crazy.

    Honey, I hope you didn’t put a lot of time into this foolishness……

  35. Natalie says:

    This is rediculous. And you wonder why Black women complain about Black men. They belittle us while other cultures do the same. Your mother has the same hair that you call crazy. Yet you dog out her hair in the name of fun? Like another user said, when will the fun end and the seriousness begin? When someone tells me that Black people aren’t ruining themselves, I will be sure to show them this thread.

  36. Deutraleous says:

    Damn! Sometimes I just shake my head. What an embarrassment to Black men and BLACK PEOPLE in general. No wonder many others look at us as inferior, if you think of yourself as inferior, then no wonder. It’s pathetic, because I truly love my people.

  37. No need for all that says:

    American Black folks wonder why other races don’t take them seriously. It’s because we keep doing this retarded $hit to each other. Nice job dumb@ss.

  38. gimme a break says:

    you are going to need to try harder at comedy, because this was far from it. None of what you said was specific to any type of woman with any type of hairstyle. And I would not feel proud to be a doobie wearer and have you claim that I am a great catch. So let me guess how you look for the type of brother who judges women on hairstyles and puts relaxer wearing, weave breeding, women up on a pedestal. The kind of brother that has a throwback scurl fade on his head?? Bumpy face, bad breath, with half an education, a pretty decent job shuffling papers at any random desk out of 50 in an office, and ghetto luxury ride (the good ole lexus) parked out front who shucks and jives for the man?? is that you?? Come on show us a pic.

  39. ????? says:

    Ummmm ok. What exactly is this? Is it supposed to be funny, a joke? Either way, u failed miserably, and the fact that some women commented to what you had to say in a favorable way, even went so far as to ask advice about their own hairstyles, is quite sad. I’m with Gimme^, I want to see the wildly intelligent and successful boy that wrote this prize winning blog! Or, just the “unemployable”, pitiful excuse for a black man that has nothing better to do with his time than degrade his fellow black women!

  40. ? says:

    The fact that you sat here and obviously put some thought into this shows us that 1) you have NO life 2) you must not have a real job because if you did you wouldn’t be sitting down making up stupid shit like this and 3) you are bitter because even those “crazy” women that you describe wouldn’t even give your bum ass any play.

    And don’t be bitter because your mother made you look like the boygirl boy when you were little.

  41. BlackLikeMe says:

    Your mother should have suffocated you when she had the chance. What a waste.

  42. Apple Halsey says:

    Yo, who organized the bus outing with all of these people from the church of Blacker Than Thou???

    Black women can be too sensitive about shit like our hair. I guess you can call that tenderheadedness (sp). I likes to let mine grow, but then again I do have a sort of ‘Bonetural’. LOL.

    Dallas, do your thing. Tell the h8rs to eff the eff off.

  43. sasha says:

    (sigh) i’m with apple.

    clearly this funny post got linked to the natural hair site. for the record, i’ve had natural hair for 9.5 years. and there’s nothing better, imo. BUT give this man a break. espousing the self hate doctrine when we’re all about love over here is lame.

    i know hella crazy bitches with natural hair. i know hella crazy white bitches too. getting all sensy only substantiates his post. if he prefers girls with perms and them green eyes then so be it. how about yall sort out your personal issues and realize to each his own. it’s comedy. plain and simple. any man that wants a broad with relaxed, limp, dead looking hair can have her. any man that prefers a higher maintenance woman can have her. same goes for those attracted to the hood queens with electric blue finger waves. those aren’t the men for me. but in good news, you’ll surely find some uber pro black mad at the world dude who will complete you. quit looking for everybody to love you and your choice of hairstyle and love yourself. and i know you’ve laughed at the emails ridiculing doobie wraps and relaxed hair.

    pontificate on this….some dudes like fat girls. wtf, is up with that? EYUW! (grins) j/k chubbies. hehehehehe

  44. danita says:

    I must say, these comments are entertaining. i’m pretty damn black (literally) with gorgeous natural hurr, work for a non-profit, also run a business (and am doing the damn thing i might add), however I’m not blacker than thou, whatever that means. *attempts to feel the love*

  45. Mezzie says:

    Clearly men with small penises and low self esteem have WAY too much time on thier hands. “Jig” coworkers? “Pro African Poon” BHM = “28 days of BS”? What a f—ing loser.

  46. Apple Halsey says:

    ^^Wow, darlin’, please go back and pick up your sense of humor wherever you dropped it.

  47. ruimixx says:

    O.G finger waver is a MAJOR player down here in Texas

  48. geneva_jones says:

    I can be all serious and be PRO DP at the same time on this one. This posting to me is a commentary on women, regardless of race. Not to get all femi-nazi on y’all, but any woman who spends that much time and money on their hair is looking for a certain kind of approval from society. Now, I’m not saying that that approval doesn’t have value (and I will own up to my sadly expensive salon visits/oasis in the dessert of NYC), but see it for what it is, and don’t bash a man who is willing do the same. And, another thing – “style and individualism” – hell yeah, but people who use it are TRYING TO COMMUNICATE SOMETHING. Good ole DP was just trying to be funny about what that something is.

  49. Jamal Williams says:

    Hey Dallas,

    Man, you will either learn the magic of undercover disguises or some sister is going to walk up to you on the street and knock you in your damn, funny-ass, irreverent, head. That was some funny-ass observations. Fearless, foolish or just plain suicidal… I hope you got your number one woman “watching your back”, cause my brother you gonna need it. Just make sure that she don’t like knives. Ha, ha, ha! You are always on point my brother. And by the way, what’s this Sundance-hanging-with-them folks shit?! We both know that a brother and snow just don’t mix very well. And I’d better not hear word about your big butt standing on skis.

    Keep up the good work.

  50. Apple Halsey says:

    ^word

  51. Apple Halsey says:

    ^^though sometimes my hair just bees like that

  52. Afrobot says:

    Yo,
    I used to date one of these chicks. For real, not kidding. That shit wasn’t funny. But some of the shit was funny though. But, then there was some shit that was really not funny, just kinda sick. But then you came back with a couple of funny ones.

    Question is: would this be funny if we (black men and black folks in general) weren’t suffering from sub-conscious self-hate issues? But, then maybe if we weren’t our hairstyles would be different too. Who knows?

  53. Lion XL says:

    Damn…take a break for the weekend and seems like every one forgot DP is the king of sarcasm….so for all of you that don’t understand sarcasm..I say it again this aint the place for you. and don’t take that personal either!!!

    and all this from the gender that tell me all to often…”your so handsome but your hair…” yeah Im a natural dread…meaning I never ever go to salon to get them done. matter of fact most of the time their not done. So when I try to explain to them its not a fashion statement but my rather connection to my faith and my belief in the natural order of the univers I get puzzled looks. But if were turn gay metro sexual and bleached em, I wouldn’t be(have been, spoken for now) so untouchable.

    For the record..if we can’t laugh and judge ourselves than we should shoot ourselves in the head now!!! When others us judge they use scorn, hatred, division and ignorance. You may call this blog what you want, but it far from any of those things. Sarcasm mixed with intelligent debate (which is the norm here..) lends to conversations that other wise would not be heard. Before you all start judging and poking at DP, read some of the archives. The stories are poignant(?) and the debates are both controversial and thought provoking. With a little( well a lot) of bullshitting thrown in to keep it moving.

    And uh yeah…to the ones dropping insults cuz they felt slighted, well your doing the same thing you found distasteful, so yeah you took the high road…..

  54. Amadeo says:

    I wonder how many people read the last one.

  55. miss ahmad says:

    well folks this is really interesting thread and for those who took it personal please remember that this is just one man’s point of view that he decided to share on HIS website, which is to say that if you have another point of view you can maybe share it on YOUR website…if you have one!

    As a black woman who has everything but loc’s, including but not limited to Fro hawk, damn near shaved, small afro, big afro, braids, twists, press ‘n curls and now a rocking ass five hundred dollar weave i say to each his own.

    when i come to work with a new hair style i remind my co workers that the best part about being a black woman is changing up my hair!!

  56. JoJo McQueen says:

    What The Dallas is really saying here is that the majority of Black bitches care more about what’s on their heads than what’s in their heads. Feedback don’t lie…

  57. Carlie says:

    You asked so here it is, I really didn’t think much of the commentary…it just wasn’t funny to me, but I feel that way anytime someone tries to recycle obsolete stereotypes. We all know that a hair style can’t really tell you much about a woman’s character… but I appreciate your attempt at trying to bring us a little humor. Oh, and I was really surprised to read some of the flirty comments about the ladies, because I always thought you were gay.

  58. LOOSEN THE HELL UP! says:

    I am a black woman. And I love this satire. And pointing out the crazy ass hairstyles and saying what many people think is not setting the race back….if you care about what other races think….take the blue and pink sand castles off of your head…’cause the WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING!

    And black women who want to see the SATIRE on the hairstyles of black men should stop throwing stones and create their own blog!

    Jee whez loosen up!!

  59. seems like a whole sista sista crew invaded

  60. the_dallas says:

    ^Never teh ghey, just never into ugly, broke broads.

    Good for you that you’re back off the WIC queue. Stash some scratch for rhinoplasty and I might return an e-mail.

    Then again, prah’lee not.

  61. Lion XL says:

    wow D.P…….she took it there, you actually got the ” I thought you were gay” line from some chick who’s mad cuz her hair needs more chemicals than “a day at the salon’ (pun intended).

    your internet celebrity status has just jumped the curb and rocketed into hyperspace. Nothing could secure your place in history better, than some bitter chick that can’t take a little sarcasm. (its not a joke, it’s sarcasm! quick whats the difference?)

    and the funny thing is, everyone here has commented on the existence of jerry curls in 21st century. So he named a few other past their time do’s. Now every one’s mad…..

  62. Eloheem Star says:

    To my Neo-Fem Sistas, Chillax! Save your scorn for Essence magazine and Debrah Lee over at BET.

  63. Carlie says:

    Lion XL, I am perplexed why you felt the need to protect DP. Is it because you gay guys are all so protective of each other? DP is a big boy and doesn’t need you coming to his defense. In any two way communication process, one should be able to state a contrasting viewpoint and not be insulted for doing so. If DP didn’t want to receive comments and criticism, he wouldn’t have a “submit comment” option on his BLOG. And how childish of you to comment on someones appearance whom you have not or never will see. This really is an indication of your intelligence level or lack thereof.

  64. SRashied ATL says:

    Thanks for the laugh!

    This was hella funny…but Bree stop sending these to my work account. Send stuff like this to my personal e-mail…you’re gonna get me in trouble.

  65. Shonquayshah says:

    Black History IS U.S. History! Who do you think BUILT this country? (for free, no less…rememeber this if nothing else…FREEDOM ISN’T FREE!)

    BTW thank you Dallas for exercising for 1st amendment rights and getting some discussion going!

    About the First Amendment

    Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
    — The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution

    ******TO WEAVE OR NOT TO WEAVE…WHO CARES AND WHY?******

    As for the hair…I am a former thumbsucker ( I know, we’ll save that for another post) but when I was lil’ and sucking my thumb I used to love to simultaneously rub my fingers up and down my hair…yes…my natural hair. It used to be so soft and curly and pretty. My mother would wash it and comb out the kinks and loving apply grease to my scalp and hair follicles.(sp) It was beautiful, dark, coarse, curly, springy,and healthy! After a while, I got turned out by the pressing comb. Endless hours spent sitting, my buttock numbing in pain while my grandmother passed a scorching hot metal comb that just came off of an open flame on the stove, throughout my natural hair. Oh, the horror and pain! More than enough times, I jumped and therefore suffered first and second degreee burns on my ears, neck and forhead! All in the name of beauty? And on top of all of that…it did not even last. Once you washed your hair or got it wet, it got nappy again and you had to go through this process ALL OVER!! Oh, but the wicked Yacoub was in the Nappy Hair Lab cooking up something extremely addictive and profitable for the UMN’s (upwardly mobile nigress’) because you know when we were given our civil rights, it was on and poppin’…sure there was ALWAYS jungle fever, but now it was LEGAL! what was a sista ‘sposed to do? make herself APPEAR in each and every way she could like the coveted pink-toes! So, you had the “permanent relaxer”, which was really false advertising because you had to apply more when you had “new growth” What’s permanent about that? well you have to have a permanent supply of money and a permanent standing appointment with your “creamy crack dealer” (thanks, afrobella) beautician, that’s what! But, but wait it gets worse! The pink-toes sought a counter strike and started layin’ out in the sun, catchin’ rays because they were not in total denial about THEIR men having their “chocolate fanta-sees” on the side.(where do you think all the beige people come from?) So the YT women started gettin their version of a perm in which they got their hair all curlee! The opposite of our relaxer…but let’s not get it twisted, this is about the nappy headed sistas, so stay with me… To add even more foolishness to the mix…some genius came up with the ridonkulous idea of the JERRI CURL aka California Curl, etc… This procedure straightened the naps, and then proceeded to curl it up. sort of like a 2 in 1 type of deal INCLUDING the extra added expense of curl activator AND gel, the much maligned PLASTIC SHOWER CAP +, i said, PLUS extra costs of laundering the above mentioned jerri juice out of your pillowcases & sheets, as well as vast amounts of Wisk,Woolite and Tide for the dreaded “ring around the collar!” Yes, yes y’all…i have rocked the pigtails, press n’curl, braids (with and without beads…word up to Stevie Wonder and the Williams Sisters) perms, jerri curls, sewn-in and bonded (GLUED) weaves (leave those 2 for another post as well) high lights, semi-permanent and permanent hair coloring, cellophanes and some other shit that i prolly can’t remember due to irreversible damage from all these chemicals and un-natural procedures that i have inflicted upon my self willingly in the name of beauty, life, liberty and the pursuit of nappyness, which brings me back to the circle of life…I’m bringin’ nappy back! I’ve not used the creamy crack in almost a year while I’ve worn an assortment of wigs, falls, braids, hats and scarves to help me thruough my transistion! Yes, I occasionally get the side-eye from all sorts of folk. Of course you know I had one YT that just had to feel the texture of the braids! “That’s so NEAT!” I said all that, to say this: It’s just hair people! Y’all know Dallas is a fool and he is always gonna say and show us how silly we really are. Does it REALLY matter how a woman wears her hair? Or what is underneath it?

  66. Shonquayshah says:

    @ Jo Jo…we are —–>

  67. Shonquayshah says:

    oops.. eye to eye and reading all these comments…y’all are making me want to pull my hair out!

  68. miss ahmad says:

    Shonquayshah

    I just want to say that my time of death is 4:44 pm Pacific Standard Time because you used Yacub the Big Headed Scientist in your comment!

    Tell my mamma I loved her and all her hairstyles!

  69. Shonquayshah says:

    @ miss ahmad…just getting you back for your ms ahmadicide from the other day…i forgot what it was about…just chalk it up to the side effects of the sponge rollers or excess amount of time spent frying under the dryer!

  70. jen says:

    Carlie and Lion XL both need to stfu in my humble, unimportant opinion (which nobody asked for).

    Because as far as I am concerned, you have a problem when you try to call someone a homosexual as if it is an insult, and you have a problem when you think AFRICAN hair “needs” chemicals.

    My advice to you both: kill selves.

    P.S. Ruimixx, don’t lie on my state. I dunno what country ass backwater part of Texas you live in, but round about H-town, we haven’t seen a fingerwave on a woman under 65 since 1998…maybe prior.

  71. jennifer says:

    Gee whiz, the rhetoric has gotten a little vicious on this thread, hasn’t it? For goodness sake this is a SATIRE site! I’ve seen Dallas critique male behavior with the same level of sarcasm. I think it’s a little overblown to start calling him a fag and attacking him personally. If the site was all about trashing women, then perhaps I’d see the need for outrage. But he doles it out to men with the same biting wit. Let’s not shoot the messenger. The fact is that there is something seriously out of whack with black pop culture today, and black people seem all too willing to let it slide because it’s black and a few are making some money off of it. Dallas is choosing to make is point with satire. What are the rest doing?

  72. Quayshah remembers.....!!! says:

    ms. ahmad…it was the comment about consequence’s teefus…i work in a dental office and let’s just say…we do NOT work overtime, okay! i don’t think we could schedule anyone else on the day he came in, dayum!!!

  73. Lion XL says:

    First..Carlie..call me what you want. I took DP’s back, cuz I felt what you said was ignorant. I hate ignorant people. You started name calling and hurling insults, not me.

    Second..I called nobody gay. Carlie did.

    Third..I know black woman don’t need chemicals in their hair. That was the subliminal message of this blog which mostly every one missed. Problem is some women beleive that they do.

    Fourth..I miss worded my insult, I should of said ‘her hair HAS more chemicals than a day at the salon.’ (sorry, couldn’t stop myself……)

    shuttin up now….

  74. Eloheem Star says:

    What you Ladies know bout Yacoub. Its good to have some females round here. Keep bringing them out DP. Bang on Oprah one mo time.

  75. Quayshah 's fit to box! says:

    Eloheem, Eloheem, my sweet, precious Eloheem! Don’t you know that Oprah is another one of my Miss Jenkins? (see In Living Color 1st season) Don’t nobody ever,ever,ever, EVAR talk about Oprah! She is the Queen of these here United States and don’t you forget it! I only let Dallas talk shit about her because we both used to ride the short bus and lick windows together! Her Royal Highness, Miss Oprah Gail Winfrey is the baddest b.i.t.c.h. (being in total control of herself) on the planet! Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. She got’s MONEY, POWER & RESPECT!! People are trippin off of her building that school over in Africa, first of all, it’s HER money…most of us couldn’t count that high if we wanted to. Secondly but most importantly…charity begins at home! That is our home over there…no matter what your ethnicity, because there is only one race HUMAN and mankind began in AFRICA! Thirdly, she IS on some hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world. She knows what the hell she’s doing. Those young girls will produce more and more and more and more educated forward thinking BLACK PEOPLE than you can shake a stick at. Psssssssssssssssssssssst! Oprah done went and started a revolution. What were YOU doing on January 3rd, 2007?????

    *************************************************************

    Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls—South Africa

    Funded by Oprah’s private foundation, funded by The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation

    “Education is the way to move mountains, to build bridges, to change the world. Education is the path to the future. I believe that education is indeed freedom. With God’s help, these girls will be the future leaders on the path to peace in South Africa and the world.” — Oprah

    *************************************************************

  76. Quayshah 's fit to box! says:

    p.s. plus i know for a fact the oprah has rocked a natural, a press and curl, a jerri curl, a weave AND braids (on the cover of her OWN magazine!) how could you not love her????

  77. the_dallas says:

    ^Quayshah, you are talking shit now. O be wearing wild amount of wigs.

  78. Eloheem Star says:

    Quayshah,

    I dont have a problem with Oprah building a School in Africa, Shit She could ride a unicycle butt naked down Broadway if she wants. My issue is the statement she made when she came under fire about the school in Africa. Oprah Threw American kids under the bus and took the easy way out. If oprah was a true b.i.t.c.h like you said she could have just shook off the haters and told them to kiss her billion dollar black ass. Money aside I have more power than oprah….I have way less to lose. You put me in the same situation as Oprah it would have went down like this.

    Reporter: Eloheem you made your wealth in America why not spend your money on a school here in the states.

    Eloheem: Fuck you! Next Question.

    Now thats power.

    I Know how women feel about Oprah but no one is beyond productive critique.

    -Stay Beautiful-

  79. the_dallas says:

    ^and on that note this thread is dead.

  80. Totally hysterical. The Upchuck may be my favorite!

  81. LMAO!! Another funny ass post DP!!

    And the comments on this thread…ummm…some people need to loosen up – it ain’t that serious.

  82. K. says:

    Hilarious!!! Thanks for the laughs…keep ’em coming!

  83. nunya says:

    another black man adding to the stereotypes about black women … that’s why i date white guys 🙂

  84. choclatehoney says:

    YOU SHOULD BE FIRED LIKE IMOS. THIS IS RACIST BULLSHIT!

  85. Dj RaYz says:

    This is by far the funniest drop I’ve read on the Internet.

  86. black femme says:

    You see this is why I’m married to a Puerto rican man because there are very few black men out there that are worthy of a beautiful, stong, proud, black woman. When I first stumbled upon this abonmination I was looking for a new do but then when I started to read the captions next to the pictures I started to think this was some sick ploy for some racist. Then when I found out that it was a black man that made me livid. You are a disgrace to the black community and need to get over yourself.

  87. ^^ Go kill yourself, you self-righteous cow.

    You have self-esteem issues that manifest themselves in how you treat your hair. It’s good for Blacks that you aren’t dating one. Better for you to be the African fetish goddess for some Taino conquistador than another Black woman who hates her hairline and hates Black men to boot.

    Did I tell you to go kill yourself?

  88. godson across the belllllyy……………

  89. LOL says:

    The people taking this so serious- take a look at the pic on the banner. How can you take anything below it seriously? Chillax…
    In case you’re wondering, I’m a black woman too. And I’m African. And yes sometimes I do look at Black Americans and laugh on the inside. But that’s mostly with the OG finger waves and its many colored derivatives.

  90. Right here is the perfect website for everyone who would like to understand this topic. You know so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want to…HaHa). You certainly put a fresh spin on a topic which has been discussed for many years. Wonderful stuff, just excellent!

  91. I often browse the web these days trying to find help to my alergies. I like to read about new ideas, things that I may not have tried before. I really enjoyed reading the posts on your site. Thank you for sharing.

Leave a Reply