If you have been bullshitting all summer with one-night stands then you had better get back on your grind this weekend. The first weekend in September is the official National Summer Jumpoff Wrap Up Weekend. There will be hell’a parties and bar-be-ques and all kinds of crazy shit popping off. There will even be a costume parade in NYC for the event. It is so big that most of us will have off from our day jobs on Monday to recoup from what has been typically 72 hours of alcohol fueled determined sex.
If you haven’t selected a prospective autumn/winter love hibernation jumpoff you are at the 11th hour. I think that is what makes this weekend so sexy. All the hormones and pheromones that are flying thru the atmosphere have us ready to jump the bones of almost any complete stranger. I weigh 350lbs and even I look sexy this weekend. As an ongoing public service to weblog subscribers we will give you a cheat sheet to help you score yourself some steady action at least until Hanukah(because if you know me you don’t want to have to buy a jumpoff eight presents).
Autumn/Winter Jumpoff requirements for men-
1) Ladies, make sure that he has a car. Lord knows that you do not want to have to walk anywhere when the weather turns ugly. If his car had no A.C. during the summer you can best believe there will be no heat in the winter.
2) Give him extra points if he lives alone because then you can walk around his place in your underwear without that skeevy roommate eyeballing your raisins.
3) Basic cable is key, but one or two premium channels makes him a keeper. THE WIRE, SOPRANOS and CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM are must see television. A real woman cannot survive the winter on music videos alone.
Autumn/Winter Jumpoff requirements for women-
1) Fellas, the big question was never how good she gave head but can she put it down in the kitchen. There is an inverse relation to the culinary ability of skinny women. Or better yet, them broads is slim for a good reason. I suggest you go for a lady on the thick side. The other thing that is sexy about big girls is that when their love starts coming down… you might could drown.
2) Is she a student? Or better still, is she a reader? If she is a reader then she may have already opened this book.
3) Does she shave or thread her eyebrows? Choose the threader.
These tips should get you up to the holidays which is the perfect time to break up if you want to save yourself some dough. December can be hell on the checkbook for lovers. I will give you some pointers later on in the year so that come February you will still be able to use your winter jumpoff as an F.B. or an F.W.B.
I wouldn’t mind if some of you that have been doing the dating scene would send me your stories to publish. Tell me about your successes and your failures. I promise that I won’t publish your entire name to the web-cipher. Aiiight Danielle?!?