Anybody remember that old joke about the Black, the Puerto Rican and the Jew??? If you were one of those kids that said those wisecracks on the back of the school bus then the 2005 NYC Democratic Mayoral primary is your comedic wet dream. I can no longer cast my ballot for city elections because I live outside of the city’s limits, but for all of you folks that consider yourself part of the ‘new progressive’ movement I offer some info on the people vying for your votes.
The Black, C. VIRGINIA FIELDS is the gulliest candidate by far since she is the only one that has a jail record. Mrs. FIELDS, a native of Birmingham, Alabama was arrested for civil disobedience in 1963 during a civil rights rally in her hometown. She spent seven days in jail and if you have ever been in the same clothes for a week in a space that is probably no bigger than a Starbuck’s bathroom, with twenty other people… let’s just say that Mrs. FIELDS has the biggest balls of all the candidates. Although the fact that she was arrested won’t do much to help her chances in this town. Only Washington D.C. likes to elect Black mayors with arrest records (and crack habits).
The Puerto Rican, FERNANDO FERRER, or ‘FREDDIE’ as he likes to be called when trying to pass on the Anglo-Meter, does have the support of one of NYC’s most rapidly growing constituencies, the MS-13 gang. When Mr. FERRER said that AMADOU DIALLO deserved to be shot his approval rating skyrocketed amongst some of the hardest to please minority groups in NYC – assholes, ku klux klansmen and police officers. FERNANDO’s been around since the hey days of Mayor EDWARD KOCH when he presided over one Americas’ poorest per capita regions, The Bronx. As an aside, I remember working on a construction project in the Hunts Point neighborhood. This place was so poor there were no commercial banks in the neighborhood. I had to drive across the bridge into Manhattan just to go to an ATM. The upside to having FREDDIE as a mayor will be if he returns the ‘red-light’ districts to the city’s nightlife. Hey, ho’s gotta eat too.
The Jew is a nice boy, his names ANTHONY WEINER. I am sorry folks, but there is not going to be a mayor of New York City named WEEEEENER. This is why my people change their names when they go to Hollywood. Do you think JOHN WAYNE could have been America’s cowboy with the name MARION MORRISON? I have a suggestion for ANTHONY, he should use the special WU-TANG CLAN Name Converter Machine and use that name for all of his candidacy literature. On second thought, I don’t know that I’d vote for a mayoral candidate named SMILIN’ ARTIST.
Mr. WEINER is also single and he lives in Queens. How you doin’ Mr. WEINER?!?
In the end though, the joke is on you if you don’t get out and vote. People bitch and moan because the Sanitation Dept. doesn’t visit their block enough but that begs the question, “where were you on election day?” Don’t complain when you see some dude from Iowa walking his dog on Utica Avenue after midnite. You were the one that sat in the house election evening, eating your baked salmon and watching ‘Being Bobby Brown’ reruns on television.