That’s right bitches, I am officially ready to sell out.
But I am doing it in order to help DALLAS PENN continue the good work that is this website. With gas prices on a steady incline and all sorts of other inter-related costs on the rise I have heard through the grapvine that DP.Com may dissolve before it’s first birthday. That means that I will have to go back to writing an e-mail blast that no one ever reads. That means that all of the DP.Com video projects that are in pre/post production as well as the ADDICT website will be folded. I love this webshiite more than a shwarma sammich with a side of babaghanouj so I will do everything in my power to keep it “in the Black.”
The New York Times ran an article today about New York State gubernatorial hopeful Attorney General ELIOT SPITZER having a campaign war chest of some $20million dollars. This amount dwarfs all of the Republican candidates combined by some… twenty million dollars. What ELIOT SPITZER needs now is a ‘political consultant’. To this extent I am willing to offer my services(N.H.) to Governor Attorney General SPITZER to help propel his campaign into the top spot in Albany. I know that I haven’t got any of the credentials that your typical political consultant might have like say, a college degree, but I’ve got chutzpah dammit. And I have a .pdf file of the daily schedule from KARL ROVE’s palm pilot.
So what would KARL ROVE do? After choking his mother with a pillow at 9:00am and drinking the bone marrow from a newborn baby at 10:00am, he would plot a kick azz strategy that would be much more about reminding folks of their emotional baggage than telling them what they really need to get by. To that extent I would prah’lee further criminalize Blacks and Muslims. I know that seems to be the cheap and easy way out, but I was going to use this campaign strategy for the almost Republican candidate RANDY DANIELS before the upstate G.O.P. bosses frowned on the thought of a jig Governor in the Albany statehouse. Damn Randy we wuz’ close!
Anyhoo, I know that I called the good and just Attorney General ELIOT SPITZER an ‘invisible man‘ due to his marked disappearance from the political radar during the NYC transit strike, but that was way back in the past and I think that bygones should be bygones. Middle Passage?!? Is that a hallway in the center of a building? Who knows? All I know is that $20 million dollars is a lot of money to jump out of the gate with. Governor Attorney General SPITZER’s closest competitor for the Dem nod is Nassau County’s Executive THOMAS SUOZZI. To be truthful, the only thing that SUOZZI has going for him is the fact that since HUGH CAREY in 1974, the last name of New York’s Governor usually ends with a vowel.
But all of that history won’t be enough to stop the SPITZER Express once BILLY SUNDAY is hired as a ‘consultant’. I promise I will get the jig vote out. How about a party at Cipriani hosted by PIDDY and AL SHARPTON?
I am pretty sure that I can get one or two of the jigs from that show ‘The Apprentice’ to come through and holler at the peoples. Plus a song from MARY J. BLIGE, everybody loves M.J.B. The long suffering Negro spiritual R&B has pretty much replaced the space that the Black church once held as the barometer for jig morality. And nobody cries more than Mary.
I will line up all of this talent to secure the African American vote for only $150K and this includes an open bar from 6:00pm until 7:00pm.
Governor SPITZER, holler at your boy!
Karl Rove doesn’t have shit on you. Sure he can bring out Condoleezza but I doubt she can sing and there is no woman on the planet that can rock the white Fendi sunglasses the way that Mary J can. And don’t even get me started on the blonde extentions . . .
O.K. Dallas, tell me what exactly I will get for my $150,000?
Good morning Mr.Governor sir. My name is William and I am the gentleman that proposed to be one of your many political consultants. I am humbly honored that you have taken the time to entertain my proposal.
Although we would request that the Spitzer campaign finance committee allocate those funds mentioned the event is a proposed fundraiser that will return its investment back to the committee in more ways than one. The initial monies are required to obtain a venue and the hosting staff.
$60,000 – PIDDY
$50,000 – REV AL
$20,000 – Mary J. Blige
$10,000 – Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth II from The Apprentice show
$5,000 – the Black guys from The Apprentice
$2,000 – new sneakers and sweatuits for staff at DALLASPENN.COM
$1,500 – printing/promotional fee for street team operations
$800 – catering expenses (Amy Ruth’s chicken and waffles)
$500 – wholesale beverage depot (Champale)
$200 – website bandwith upgrade
$150,000 – total initial allocation
Mr.GOVERNOR,
I would respectfully argue that the figures as stated above are a relative bargain for the prestige that you would gain inside the African-American communities statewide. This event also provides an opportunity for dedicated corporate sponsors to effectuate their respect for the African-American community. The overall voter mood transforms into progressivism and this sweeps you through the elecion in November.
One of the all-time best sellouts, in the transitive sense… Deliciously preemptory — only you’re not asking for enough dollars. I can’t even get into all the reasons why it’s not enough. The second best thing about this post was seeing that old shot of the Reverend. I’d forgotten how big he used to be.
Yo Billy!
I think you need a negotiation management team. onefiddy seems like an awfully small price to pay for the entire New York Jig Nation. My girl SUEDE is what’s known as a Corporate Beneficializer — she regularly handles negotiations with higher ups to effectuate a better deal for the people. I think she just closed some kind of serious for some Hollywood-type keyboarders. Holler at yr girl and I’ll handle the connect.
Of course, we’ll have to work something with the line item. Nothing major, like five percent. Tops.
HA to the LSEY
Hey good people,
I’ve crunched some numbers to get myself to the amount that I reached for the funding request. Here’s a quick breakdown…
There are roughly 20,000,000mil people in New Yok State.
Estimates say that the African-American pop is 15.9% of that = say 3,600,000
Approx 1/3 of that number are registered voters (a low number but I’ve discounted for those people in jail and those unable to vote due to institutionalized ignorance) = 1,200,000
Divide 1,200,000 by the requested amount and you arrive at $8 per vote, essentially a supersized extra value meal and a vanilla dutch master.
So you think I should increase the request to make the governor-elect give the people a bag of weed too?
is there any doubt? and please, no nickel bags. my vote is at least worth a dime.
Dear Sir –
I take umbrage at your asinine characterization of me as a “jig.”
I would like to inform you that in 1997, Governor Pataki nominated me for a seat on the State University of New York (SUNY) Board of Trustees. The Governor later named me Vice Chairman of the SUNY Board, where I continue to serve as Chairman of the Investment Committee, Co-Chair of the Committees on General Education and Charter Schools, and as a member of the Executive and Finance Committees.
Furthermore, I visited the Governor’s Mansion three times. (On two of those occasions, I entered through the front door!) Who is the jig now, Mr. Penn!
Dear Mr.Daniels,
I apologize for your missunderstanding of William’s comments. I believe that he was trying to express the inner feelings of the G.O.P. bosses that ultimately determine who is to be the party’s candidate.
We at the website hold you in the highest esteem and only refer to you as a Negro policy maker.
I always wanted to take umbrage