Surprisingly, MARIAH CAREY has sold more records than anyone ever in the history of the world and she is crazy as all fuck. Take it from us. She dated BILLY SUNDAY during his homeless, wheelchair years. He helped her get right after that split with the Godfather, but then she got ‘Glitter’ in her eyes and she left him for DEREK JETER. Being the class act that he is, BILLY SUNDAY only has warm words when describing his time with MARIAH.
BLU CHEEZ however is a hater. BLU CHEEZ has watched the tragic mulatto chanteuse transform herself from a lithe A-cup siren into a bawdy D-cup soft core caterwauler. BILLY SUNDAY must still be in love because he thinks MARIAH can match Mz.Be point for point. BLU CHEEZ says that BeYONCE is the top of the world. I will put my money on the bear. Let’s see how it breaks down…
1) Can you say her name – 100 (more jiggs name their babies MARIAH)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (MARIAH is 43 years old so of course she has more hits than BeYONCE)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 (BILLY SUNDAY’s ex, TOMMY MOTTOLA’s ex, DIDDY’s ex, O.D.B.’s ex-girlfriend)
4) Does she have a soldier – 100 (more downloads on U.S. Army computers than JENNA JAMESON)
5) Cater to you – 100 (Honey)
6) Dangerously in love – 100 (O.D.B.’s ex – see above)
7) Bootylicious – 100 (all we need to say is one thing – the ‘Loverboy’ video)
MARIAH CAREY’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 700 points = a tie score with BeYONCE KNOWLES!!!
***UPN NEWS ALERT***
Russian Olympic judge recalibrating MARIAH’s totals removes 100 points from factor #7 because he explains that MARIAH’s “Bootyliciousness” is actually the product of years of surgery and the installation of silicone.
MARIAH CAREY’s revised BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 600 points
HA! BeYONCE KNOWLES is still the queen of this shit!