WHO WE BE!
The original ‘Dallas’. Dapper D is one of the last great heterosexual stylists. Completely addicted to Ralph Lauren apparel, Timberland boots and NIKE kicks, Dallas gives us a peek inside his expansive closets from time to time . We aren’t on his shit simply because he owns this site and he gave us a job. We are on his shit because the brother is F.R.E.S.H.!
|WILLIAM XAVIER SUNDAY
Billy Sunday takes no prisoners in his never-ending quest for the truth. Tireless in his efforts to expose mendacity and mediocrity, Billy Sunday spares no sacred cow as he slashes his way through the thicket of modern urban life to drop some serious math on the peoples. Whether or not you’re able to handle it, the truth is coming your way. Trap or die, biatch.
Blu Cheez is the cheeziest photog on the planet. No one, we repeat NO ONE, can ferret out a cameltoe like our extra galactic stinky blue-eyed bluetooth correspondent. It’s all about the details when Blu is on the case. Because of him, we’ll never again look at a photograph the same way. Some of us even believe he is the lost member of that early 90’s rap group, The UMC’s. Word.
She’s not just our very own webmistress extraordinaire, Harry, as she allows us to call her, is a Zen buddhist and a part time nudist. A citizen of the world, she was born in Brazil and spent her formative years in Majorca before settling, for now, in the B.K. Everything else is classified. Though we did learn the other day that she speaks fluent Bulgarian and has a sixth toe.
|ROBERT ANSON HEINLEIN
“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”
One of the original Asiatic brothers, you know, from that whole Bethlehem backstory? King Tee and the two other wise men (Raoul and Smokey Jenkins), like so many other undocumented immigrants in the brave new post-9/11 world, have been holed up in an undisclosed Corona, New York location. Lucky for us, while the King awaits the messiah, he’s agreed to lend us his expertise from centuries of doing his thing on the westside of the Middle East. ALL HAIL THE KING!
As a fifth degree black belt and yoga instructor, our videographer brings an aspect of inner peace and sprituality to the websites’ film projects. The Master is also hell on the blackjack tables in Atlantic City so if you see him just holler, “¦b«e¥Àª¯!”. That’s Mandarin for ante up bitches!
From center stage to the champagne room, JoJo’s ears stay tuned to the frequency, Kenneth. As an entertainment consultant she has no peers, though we’re not sure if that’s a good thing when it comes time to secure high-profile celebrity interviews. At least we know she can get close to R. KELLY.
Ahhhhh, to be beautiful and 14 years old again…
As the websites’ token white girl, our intrepid research analyst helps us meet the mandatory federal Affirmative Action guidelines. More importantly, she leaves no stone unturned, no height unscaled, and no mile unwalked to ensure that dallaspenn.com has the most up to date information. She always gets us the story, we’re just not sure how. Like the time in 2002 Miss Jones did a report on the occurrence of date rape at major college campuses. To this day our offices are still receiving six dozen long stem roses at the beginning of the college year from Colorado University’s football team. We’re not asking.
We needed someone who could weave a soundtrack for us that was diverse and powerful. AFROBOT mixes samba with Sinatra and Slum Village. He intersperses Afro-Cuban poetry with dyslexic Irish brogue rhythms. He makes us jam with purpose. He helps us party for our right to fight. Oh, and yeah, he’s cool like that.
Every office has one, right? So naturally we went out and got us the baddest, wil’est, gulliest, grimeyest intern around. MONICA can’t hold a spoon to our interns nuts. Whatever we need from the streets we get from our intern. Crystal Meth, OxyContin, Perkaset, and some killer white boy weed are just some of the things that he brings to the office. He can also get us the employee discount from IKEA.
Everyone needs a beautiful muse, a therapist and a non-judgemental enabler. C.S. is all that and a bag of salt and vinegar chips to the website. She washes BILLY SUNDAY’s underwear after he’s spent several nights sleeping on subways during his many alcoholic binges. She gives DALLAS PENN money to buy more sneakers. C.S. has even acted as BLU CHEEZ’ fluffer right before his part in the triple X feature EBONY & IVORY. It’s only small minds that think the person on the end of the list has the smallest part to play. In Hollywood, the person on the end of the cast roster is typically the Executive Producer.