red math

Editor’s note: Happy New Chea Internets. Have you ever paid your prA’Li tuition even once? Why? You don’t respect the learning we give here at

Did any of you folks hear the great news last week? New York City kids have seen increases in the scores from their math proficiency exams. In some cases these increases are in the double digits. Meanwhile, some of the most dramatic gains have been made by “historically underacheiving schools in impoverished neighborhoods“. If the New York Times printed this then it must be the truth. The sad part for me is that nowhere in the NYTimes article was DP Dot Com singled out for introducing their evolutionary ‘Ghetto Celeb Mathematics’ formula to the children of the center city.

What should I expect anyhoo? When we first dropped ‘G.C.M.’ only a handful of readers gave it any props. Well, guess what? “Ghetto Celeb Mathematics’ works. It’s just like phonics, but it’s more fun and you can be functionally illiterate and still learn math. By using celebrities in place of abstract and boring numerals kids are able to make the connection for real life values. Some kids don’t already know that 1 + 1 = 2, but every child understands that PARIS HILTON (x) an eight ball of cocaine = 45 days in jail.

Try some ‘G.C.M.’ problems for yourself and tell me if this isn’t the best thing invented since the air-conditioned car seat.


The personnel relationship skills of IDI AMIN when multiplied by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER’s human growth hormones equals Busta Rhymes


The reproductive tendencies of a rabbit plus the common sense of a pugnus dressed in a tuxedo yields KEVIN FEDERLINE


The violently unpredictable mindset of a Tasmanian devil when subtracting the class and classic beauty of PAM GRIER results in the violently unpredictable mindset of rapper Foxy Brown


When you multiply the shrill soundscape of a robot pimp with Chicago Bear TANK JOHNSON’s mugshot hairstyle models portfolio picture your product becomes singer(ahem) T-Pain

lil wang

RuPaul’s addiction to painkilling pills divided by TRINA’s addiction to pulling down her pants and kissing men on the lips named Baby or Daddy leaves you with a remainder named Lil’ Wang


  1. Candice says:

    So THAT’s how we ended up with Foxy! You are a genius.

    And whatever we did to arrive at T-Pain, can we reverse the equation and make his azz go away?

  2. 40 says:

    *is finally starting to understand Weezy Goldberg*

  3. Amadeo says:

    If they had this in school I wouldn’t have had to take that non-credit math class.

  4. Yo you think that NYC teachers learned from “Prez” how to teach kids in the inner city using Dice Games and Monopoly to get the kids attention…..I know watching the Wire has got my math game up not quite black belt level but I am Kung Fu with my math

  5. B says:

    I miss the crazy funny Busta. Crazy scary Busta might rip your arms out.

  6. Misha says:

    See this is the type of ish that I wish they were teaching my sixth grader instead of that new math! Maybe then I could help her with her homework!

  7. green eyes says:

    i still suck at math.

  8. sangano says:

    dam pam grier was delish

  9. LM says:

    You deserve the Pulitzer AND the Nobel prizes for this ongoing series

  10. Big Homie says:

    Good example, but math will always be my week subject.

    *rocks the kicks you sent me*

  11. landLORD says:

    Big Homie Says:

    June 20th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
    Good example, but math will always be my week subject.


    … spelling too … (c) weak … lol …

  12. thatwhitedude says:

    # green eyes Says:
    June 19th, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    i still suck at math.
    is that cuz it was thought up by the white devil?

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