Archive for May, 2005


Wednesday, May 25th, 2005

On Sunday I kicked off my most earnest diet program to date. I am eating nothing but fruits(no homo) and vegetables and I am not drinking alcohol or sugar-flavored beverages. I will also be sniffing an eight ball of cocaine every four days and smoking a pack of red box Marlboro cigarettes at least once a day. I took a cue from the famous low-carb SCARSDALE DIET and I named my program after the neighborhood where the idea popped into my head. I call my program the BILLS’BURG DIET because it reminds me of how I think all these artist types in Williamsburg manage to remain so slim. It would be unrealistic to expect me to shed all the weight I want to by the time Summerstage rolls around but I hope to have my face drawn in considerably which would give me a slimming look. Wish me luck.


Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

ESSENCE Magazine is continuing their program of perpetuating mock victimization by masking the real issues with hyper-consumerism. The latest issue features the new prototype of Black manhood, USHER RAYMOND, on the cover. As usual the editors at ESSENCE have devised a byline for the cover that will titillate the senses of Black women everywhere – ‘MEN UNCENSORED, What they really feel about Sex, Porn, Love and Us’.

First off, do you see the topics and their respective order that the editors have chosen to highlight? As if sex and porn come before love and Black women. Next, I read the article and just as I expected, it was a covert attack against Black relationships. The men questioned were of various ages and all were described as progressive and upwardly mobile. I refuse to believe that this interview session even took place. The men’s responses were not three-dimensional, but stereotypically lame and quasi-chauvanistic. I am convinced this article was written by a Chinese woman imagining she was in a room of Black men. For instance, Black men are not complaining about getting
head any longer. That was a funny comedy routine by CHRIS ROCK about
seven years ago. Since then TRINA and LIL’ KIM have done a masterful
job of influencing Black women to freely give up oral and anal sex. What we are complaining about now is not being allowed to pee on our girlfriends when we are in the shower together.

All I am trying to tell you is that ESSENCE magazine wants Black women to remain emotionally unsatisfied so that they will use their financial assets to compensate for the void. ESSENCE doesnt just want you to feel incomplete on a romantic level, they are even more sinister. ESSENCE wants you to hate the skin that you are in. I found several advertisements for beauty products that featured white in the photos.

SEPHORA – white model (ad text states ‘endless beauty options’)
MONISTAT – white skin
GILLETTE VENUS razors – semi-nude blonde model
McDONALD’s – white girls
DERMABLAND – white model (ad text states that ‘all skin imperfections
HUGGIES diapers – white baby

The worst thing that was advertised in this piece of shit magazine was the new fragrance from GIORGIO ARMANI. The photo featured a white couple. The name of the fragrance is BLACK CODE. Do you people know what the BLACK CODE is?!? The BLACK CODE was a name given to laws passed by southern states during the presidency of Andrew Johnson(post Civil War). These laws imposed severe restrictions on freed slaves such as prohibiting their right to vote, forbidding them to sit on juries, limiting their right to testify against white men, carrying weapons in public places and working in certain occupations. Can you imagine if faggot azz CALVIN KLEIN called a cologne HOLOCAUST? He would get shot between the eyes by the MOSSAD. And of all the magazines available to feature a launch ad for this stupidly named mens product GIORGIO ARMANI chose to do it in a publication geared to the African-American community. Just remember that you can’t spell gay without a G and an A in the beginning.

I know I have asked you good people to become active several times before but if you can’t find the time in your schedule to write an e-mail to Mrs.DIANE WEATHERS, the Editor-in-Chief of ESSENCE then don’t complain to me when your right to vote is revoked. It will be your own fault because you bought into the BLACK CODE.

DARTH VADER is the Baddest Motherfucker of All Time!

Monday, May 16th, 2005

the B.M.F.O.A.T.!
Here I am all juiced up to go to the Ziegfield Theater for the midnite showing of the latest STAR WARS film. My girlfriend is a movie industry cog and she hooked me up with a pass for the night. Nevermind the fact that I am going to go with one of her co-workers who is a white. Ol’ boy is cool enough with me and one time he even shared his magic brownies with me at this crazy christmas house party.

The answer is ‘yes’. I would have carried my toy lightsaber that I usually bring with me to P-FUNK concerts. The answer is ‘no’. I do not wear a jedi robe or cloak. That would just be gay. And like CAM’RON, I am ‘NO HOMO’. Plus it is the last STAR WARS movie or so we are being told by the creator of this universe, GEORGE LUCAS. He vows not to create another movie for this storyline, but I am becoming a skeptic since he is using this upcoming film to innovate cross-promotional marketing strategies that Madison Avenue has never dreamed of.

I can’t remember when any film was being hyped in such an aggressive manner. Everywhere I turn I am seeing products that have little or no connection to the film series using licensed characters and images from the film series. YODA’s face on a can of soup. OBI-WAN KENOBI on a box of cereal. DARTH VADER on a Slurpee cup. DARTH VADER would not have enjoyed a Slurpee. DARTH VADER is strictly black Colombian coffee with no sugar. From now on I will call him the B.M.F.O.A.T. because DARTH VADER is officially the baddest motherfucker of all time!

Who’s bad?!?! Most people argue that ADOLF HITLER is the B.M.F.O.A.T. and I will submit to you all that HITLER should certainly be in the top five. But when I compare records of badness, DARTH VADER has HITLER trumped hands down. First of all, HITLER was a brutal, heartless killer who slaughtered millions of my people in internment camps. DARTH VADER blew up a whole planet in Episode 4 that was easily occupied by billions of people. So VADER wins in overall death toll statistics. ADOLF HITLER was no snazzy dandy and the only people he has inspired to dress like him are the disenfranchised white that live in Nebraska or Montana or wherever the KKK is from. DARTH VADER has had all the designers from Fashion Avenue spooning his nuts for the last ten years. He’s got that whole futuristic dom thing going on complete with with the shiny codpiece, knee high black boots and cape. You can’t even get into a club in NYC if you aren’t wearing all black(yeah I know pink was all the rage last year but after people discovered that KANGAY WEST was an asshole that trend wore off). So DARTH wins again on style points.

HITLER was a charismatic speaker but that hardly counts for superpowers. DARTH VADER could choke a nigger just by closing his fingers. ‘Member that nigger he choked in the Imperial conference room because he was talking shit sideways? Imagine DARTH VADER as the CEO on the TV show ‘APPRENTICE’. Instead of firing somebody he would just put his fingers together and choke they azz.

I am sorry party people, but you have to agree, DARTH VADER is officially the baddest motherfucker of all time.


Sunday, May 15th, 2005

MICHAEL JACKSON’s trial is entering it’s seventh year and it is becoming more obvious to me this dude has issues worse than his love for sniffing little boys’ pissy underoos. I was watching VH-1 with my ladyfriend and we saw his video for that crappy song ‘You Are Not Alone’. His pasty completion and his bony frame reminded me of when E.T. was sick and almost died but then the little boy that he slept with rescued him and his coloration came back and his index finger lit up. If MICHEAL JACKSON’s index finger could just get some little boy poop on it I bet M.J.’s color would come back too.

WU-TANG Forever

Saturday, May 14th, 2005

From now on you all you beeyatches must refer to me as PHANTOM WARRIOR when you see me in the streets. I went to this website to look up my WU-TANG name.

Burn a candle for my brother RUSSELL JONES. This is the tenth anniversary of the release of his classic and seminal Hip-Hop album, RETURN TO THE 36 CHAMBERS: THE DIRTY VERSION. The album was as innovative as it was entertaining. O.D.B. clearly understood that the first instrument that was available to humans was their voice. He twists rhymes with invectives and expletives and just some plain ol’ nigga madness.

You have all heard the tales of nigga madness like when DIRTY went to pick up a welfare check in a limousine, bu my favorite O.D.B. story goes back to February 1998, after DIRTY witnessed a car accident from the window of his Brooklyn recording studio, he and a friend ran to the accident scene and organized about a dozen onlookers who assisted in lifting the 1996 Ford Mustang — rescuing a 4-year-old girl from the wreckage. She was taken to a hospital with second and third degree burns. DIRTY, using a false name, visited the girl in the hospital frequently until he was spotted by members of the media.

The following night at the Grammy Awards, O.D.B. rushed onstage unexpectedly during Shawn Colvin’s acceptance speech for “Song of the Year” and began complaining that he had recently purchased expensive clothes in anticipation of winning the “Best Rap Album” award that he lost to PUFF DIDDY. But before being escorted off-stage, he implored the audience, “I don’t know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children.”

And just like me, O.D.B. liked it raw.