Archive for April, 2007

I Left My Heart At Howard U. (MGMT ReMiXXXes)

Sunday, April 29th, 2007


Labor Day for me was always the time of year to refocus and prioritize on what it was that I wanted for myself for the rest of the year. I typically spent the summer playing the field of love, but in late August my hormones turned up the frequency so I didn’t end up with zero during the snowswept snuggle and cuddle winter months. I preferred a cutie from one of the Black colleges that occupied the mid-Atlantic states because I could always hop on the turnpike for a few hours and I still had my relative autonomy while I remained in New York City. I would have sworn to you that NYC had the greatest collection of redbone cuties until SOUNDWAVE, RANDY and I came across a pack of hotties from Howard University during the 1989 Labor Day Greekfest at Virginia Beach.

RANDY was S.W.’s cousin who lived in VA Beach. RANDY’s folks put us up for the weekend and we all spent our time on the strip bothering anything that would give us the time of day. As usual, I have to be the clown of the crew and the sassy sisters didn’t mind putting me in my place when I got too sideways. My G was always too futuristic for young girls anyhoo. I needed some college meat to test my mettle. I complimented toenail polish colors and whoever had done the best job in shaving herself. My dudes and I were having a good enough time just posting up on the boardwalk when along came this crew of cocksmashers. I call them that because they all had their walk together and proper. You know that walk that a young lady has when she is trying to tell everybody that she has been doing her ‘Kegel’ exercises? These little girls had that walk and they had the prettiest eyelashes of any crew that was on the strip that weekend. These broads had that kryptonite.

big pimpin'

The next step for the dudes and I was to get to know this crew of young sweet hotness, but how do you break into a girl group that is seven deep without getting dissed and dismissed? This is my specialty. I attack the alpha females top lieutenant with my charm. Not the alpha female, because she will have to show out for her girls to prove her leadership dominance, and not the weakest link among the ladies who is still slightly uncomfortable in her skin and may not know how to receive a compliment yet. The second in charge was a tender little brownskin sister with a battery pack bubble backside just as sweet as a piece of chocolate cake. In my mind, I am sure I made that sound where your lips smack just as you are about to enjoy something tasty.

“Hello Ms. Beautastic, you look just like my favorite cup of coffee, dark and sweet.”

Okay, I agree, but that is how you do it people — confident cornballness. The laugh of the sister and some of her friends meant that I hit my target. The next step was for me to introduce my dudes. S.W. and RANDY are both good lookin’ dudes so that wasn’t the problem in as much as there were seven ladies and only three of us. Don’t play yourself into thinking that ratio means menage status because most college girls in the ’80s and ’90s that weren’t into coke weren’t into swinging either. Don’t get me wrong, college girls were always giving up mean head and booty pie, but unless they were from Detroit you weren’t gonna be able to freak out.

big pimpin'

None of these ladies were from the ‘D’ either. They were all Cali broads that were attending Howard University. They were all freshmen and they had heard about the Greekfest on campus so they decided to drive down. 18yr olds with their own cars 3000 miles from home. I give credit to these Cali broads for being as gangster as they were. They drove to the beach on a whim and they didn’t even have a hotel room. We all hung together for the rest of the day into the evening. Later that evening when the strip was fully crowded and blown out a riot began. It was so crazy that Army helicopters and National Guardsmen cut off access to the beach. Since we were all stuck together we decided to share a hotel room. Real talk is that all 10 of us slept together on two queen size beds and no one popped off anything.

What that night allowed us was carte blanche to hang with these sisters at Howard U. anytime we wanted. S.W. and I ‘borrowed’ a Maserati from Greenich Village and went to their Homecoming weekend. The ladies brought us to a brunch spot called Julios that served chicken, waffles and mimosas for only $7 bucks a person. Those Howard U. chicks knew how to have a good time too. Almost twenty years later I am still friends with them. Even the ones that I’m not friends with anymore.

Too bad youth is wasted on the young.


Sunday, April 29th, 2007


Show that Wig Owner LIBERACE some respect. He would rather die from the AIDS than let you see him without his wig right. Chances are that your grandma wanted to brush his wig too.


LIBERACE brought the bling to the Wig Owning game too. Full length furs and hand jewelry that are inspiring young DipSetters to this very day. LIBERACE used his somewhat sketchy musical talent and tremendous pop music appeal to transorm himself into an international Wig Owner. No one really knows who brushed LIBERACE’s wigs, but we can all agree that he owned many. You can see LIBERACE’s influence on some of today’s popular music Wig Owners…


Just like LIBERACE, sketchy piano talent plus tons of mass appeal have given Mrs.KEYS a lot of wigs to be brushed, and no one really knows for sure who brushes ALICIA’s wigs, but I have my suspicions

Also known as MC Hat 2 Big he has been photographed holding ALICIA’s arm from time to time. This is one Wig Brusher that we like to call a ‘Beard’. And I’m not talking goatee, you hear me Mz.Peaches?

Just when you think this fool done ran out of wigs… BAM! Take that, take that.

This Wig Brusher makes little babies out of nappy Yak tracks. When AL B. SURE lost all the moisture and lustre from his ‘good hair’ wig KIM PORTER went and got herself a Bad Boy

If Wig Brusher’s ever form a union, MISA will be like the shop steward or something.

Whenever she wants to buy some new wigs she just sells pictures of her unborn fetus to People magazine.

You don’t easily go from backup dancer to Wig Owner. J-HO did it, but look where her dancer husband ended up, and isn’t that dude that seeded Madonna back to returning cans and bottles in order to pay his rent?

Miss JACKSON has been accumulating wigs since her days on ‘Good Times’.

bigfoot baby girl JERMAINE DUPRI = WIG BRUSHER
He studied well, and learned just the right amounts of moisturizer that the JACKSON family requires.


Did anyone peep the OPRAH last week where JANET JACKSON brought out JERMAINE DUPRI but he wasn’t allowed to speak?!? It’s not like J.D. has no talent at all either. He helped MARIAH CAREY get her wigs tight again. I feel like telling dude to man the fuck up, but then again, he seems kind of happy.

You know who stays on some perpetual happy shit? Supreme cultural hustler RUSSELL SIMMONS be on that cash money wig owner yoga shit like what. He got so many wigs he don’t even need to wear one, but if he did you better believe it would be brushed like a motherfucker.


From Def Jam to the Phat Farm, RUSSELL knows how to make jigs spend that loot. He has followed in the steps of wig owners like BERRY GORDY Jr. and QUINCY JONES to establish himself as one of the al time great hustlers of Black music and culture.

A more sassy wig brusher you’d be hard pressed to find. She’s so high maintenance that she even needs her own wig brusher.

Have brush, will travel.


Sunday, April 29th, 2007

red math

New York City schoolkids are failing miserably in the state mandated standardized math tests. The schools chancellor says that the test is too hard. I say that we need to find a new way to bring math studies to these kids. To that end your favorite blogger slash political consultant slash relationship advisor turns his laser eye on new millenium mathematics prep.

If you fuck with this site with any regularity then you know that we have already done a Ghetto Celeb Mathematics drop, but this one has a decided focus on honoring one of DP dot com’s favorite Hip-Hop icons – RUSSELL JONES b/k/a OL’ DIRTY BASTARD. Ghetto Celebrity Mathematics brings complex theorems into a nice and easy reference guide using popular culture icons. We chose to use Ol’ Dirty Bastard because of his universal appeal and the fact that he loved the kids, but not in a MARK FOLEY kind of way. O.D.B. left us two years ago for a trip on the mothership, but his life was filled with quotes that let us know he wasn’t doing this rap thing for himself, but for the kids…

“I see things from a one-eye perspective and the four-eye perspective. The one-eye perspective is being able to see everything, as clear as my eye can see it.”

“… this is what Wu Tang do, come with something beautiful for you, like high science. Einstein has a formula, Wu Tang has a formula. A part equals a square and all that stuff, you know what I’m saying? We have a formula, too. The formula is to attack everything at any given time. Just attack and shit like a waterfall, or like water in rapids or more like a fucking whirlpool, fuck you.”

“I went and bought me an outfit today that costed a lot of money today, youknowImean?, ’cause I figured that Wu-Tang was gonna win! I don’t know how y’all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children! We teach the children! You know what I mean? Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best! Okay? I want you all to know that this is ODB, and I love you all, peace!”

We love you too DIRTY. Rest in peace. Wu-Tang forever.

ol dirtThe unpredictable lyrical magic of O.D.B. multiplied by the explosive nature of TIMOTHY McVEIGH gives you the political philosophy of North Korean leader KIM JONG IL.

ol dirtThe hair and charisma of BIG BAGY JESUS added to the sincerity of MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr. that Black people might one day get their shit together = AL SHARPTON (circa YUSUF HAWKINS).

ol dirtThe orange jumpsuit of DIRT McGIRT times Pittsburgh pitcher DOC ELLIS on LSD results with former Mets pitcher DWIGHT ‘DOC’ GOODEN wearing an orange jumpsuit.

ol dirtThe crazy sex appeal of OSIRIS when divided by the vocal stylistics of BOBBY WOMACK gives us BOBBY BROWN.

ol dirtThe energy and uncontrollable Negro madness of OL’ DIRTY is added to the poetic genius of a young LANGSTON HUGHES = REGGIE NOBLE, the funk doctor b/k/a REDMAN.


Sunday, April 29th, 2007


Now that Asian youth are wiping up the floor with white kids in the SAT’s and standardized tests guess who is ringing the alarm?!? It wasn’t a problem when Black kids weren’t learning because that fits the supremacy program anyhoo, but now that TAD, CONNOR and HALEY aren’t ranking with RAJESH or SOO LI there seems to be an issue.

There are so many reasons that Black kids can’t learn that I won’t even try to open that box up, but I have known for years that it was time to switch our pitch up in how we attempted to educate the children. Learning has to be rewards based and practical. It reaffirms the reasons why we attend class when we can see a direct correlation to what we learn and how we live. I would love for there to be an increase in vocational studies put back into schools as well as out-of-class field projects that expose children to the world at large. I suppose all of that rhetoric sounds good to the ‘hood, but how do we implement it into the system?

had an idea to use celebrities to help teach kids math skills since they are too busy spending their millions on items that have no social value. This way there is a relevance to the lesson and current and former pop culture icons can say that they ‘gave back’ to the community. BLU CHEEZ will use these celebrities in different formulas to indicate the various products and remainders that are created from their variable talents. Let’s see some of his examples…

Spike from Gremlins swagger plus the H.A.M. hand jewelry of SAMMY DAVIS Jr. = LIL’ WEEZLE

beyonceDIANA ROSS’ wig collection plus a huge horse booty = BeYONCE

This is pretty simple stuff. How about trying out some of these harder problems…

beyonceRuPAUL’s singing voice divided by TEDDY PENDERGRASS after hours = NEYO

starThe media exposure of OPRAH WINFREY multiplied by the class of VIVICA FOX = STAR JONES REYNOLDS

didsterKIM PORTER’s reproductive system and PUFF’s ability to make anything famous = The new old Jackson 5 (just watch out for the MICHAEL).

COMBAT JACK: Number #1 With A Bullet! (Gully Re-Up)

Saturday, April 28th, 2007

apocalypse now

Editor’s note: Combat Jack’s reply that should have squashed all of the divisive language about 70’s babies versus 80’s babies must have fallen on the deaf ears of XXLonline’s secondstring staffer Sickamore. So it looks like the kid has decided to step into the arena where grown azz men come to put in work. I wish people would get their minds’ right and stop calling everything a hustle. Hard work isn’t a hustle. Growing up in the world isn’t a hustle either. A hustle is trying to make ends off other folks’ backsweat. A hustle is trying to earn a living by selling something that you know nothing about. Leave it to Combat Jack to learn the youth before the apocalypse.

“Back In ’88 When I Was Pushing Weight, You Was a Ballerina, I Got The Pictures, I seen ‘Ya”
-quote from a “70’s” baby

So the other day, I get this surprise e-mail from “THE 80’s baby” over at XXL. Dude reached out on some squash the beef shit. Peep game…

Subject: Dude, lets just end this shit!!!

Date: 8/20/2006 4:15:32 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From: “Sickamore” []


Dude, this shit has got to stop. Why you tripping on me man? You and I both know that my ’80’s baby shit is just a gimmick and I’m running with that shit as long as I can. Why can’t you older cats have a sense of humor? Can I live? Even before your post on the internet last week, my boss Craig Kallman at Atlantic has been barking the fuck on me about my lack of decent signings on the label’s roster and how I’m literally “1/2 a step from getting my nigga ass ejected the fuck out of the building”. In addition, there’s a rumor circulating through my circles that my boss over at, Elliot “YN” Wilson isn’t really feeling my recent posts, all double guessing whether he made the right decision to pay me monthly to write, and is even thinking about replacing me. Combat, I CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE THIS SHIT CONTINUE OR BUBBLE UP TO THE SURFACE. PLEASE STOP ATTACKING ME. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU!!!!!!! I really thought about that Willie Lynch shit you dropped and you’re right man, we shouldn’t be beefing against each other. Yo, I know this real cool sexy ass coffee shop in downtown Brooklyn where, you know, we might be able to break bread, build, uh, maybe collab on some shit. My treat! Plus, they serve a mean Vanilla Latte with whipped cream and nuts!!!! Delicious! I’m thinking, yo, that shit would be ill if we did some Jigga and Nas, team up shit on some of my future posts right? ILLMATIC!!!!!!

On the real tho, I’m a nice guy and could really learn a lot from you about how shit went down before I got on in this music shit. You really can’t blame a young nigga like me for popping his collar on some ’80’s shit. Maybe you did the same when you were coming up. Right? Btw, what do you think of Saigon’s latest shit, hot right? I hear you about his picture on his myspace page, but yo, dude’s chest is just so oiled up and massive!!! I heard that chicks dig that, plus it’s only entertainment! Well anyway man, I’m trying to be on my grown man shit about this and am willing to let bygones be bygones. You’re really funny and when we meet (I hope), I promise I’ll put in a good word to Elliot about squeezing you in on the roster. That would be hot, right? Anyway, if you’re cool with this, please hit me up at Also, let me know if you know any hot artists looking for a deal, I could really use that shit right about now, nahmean? I’m looking forward to you reaching out CJ, that would be hot! Right? Come on man, let’s do the damned thing. Peace,

Your lil homie (I hope),


Sheesh, that shit made me feel a bit sorry for the young fella. I do know something about his track record as an employee, especially since his ex-boss Gary (a T.I.) at Beat Street Records in Brooklyn (a record store dude, not a label), used to personally complain ad nasuem to me about how dude was a really piss poor employee (dee jaying in the showroom and sweeping up the stock room). Gary even told me that in an attempt to boost dude’s morale, even though Beat Street never had an effin record company, they used to pay him like $150 a month (on some fake “a&r” shit) to put together weak Beat Street branded mix tapes consisting of several whack local Brooklyn crap niggas that all sounded like a poor man’s version of Jigga, just so the T.I. run store could maintain a good relationship with their younger black rap buying clientele.

Now, I really don’t know where Sic’s going with his e-mail to me, what with all this nonsense about linking up for some latte with nuts and “teaming up”. Nullus on all counts. Dude, er, thanks but no thanks! Plus, you really don’t have to go through the trouble of putting in a good word about me to your boss. But yeah man, I’ll increase the peace. I really hope that shit works out at Atlantic as well. Plus, I’ll do my best to turn a blind eye to your limited 80’s baby gimmick. Do you man. I know my place, it’s your turn scrap, you got the juice now. Plus, trust me son, I don’t need to prove to you that I’m Black, not caucasian. I happened to come across this picture of you trying your damned best to impersonate a 70’s baby? Uh, what’s up with that Sic? Last I heard, Cazal’s was strictly ’70s dun, plus that shit is looking real suspect, what with the lite gloss all up on your lips and all (ewww!)


I don’t ever remember real dudes rocking rims and wearing MAC lipglass like that back in the day. Come to think of it, that must be some the 80’s baby shit you brag about. That is you in that picture right?!? I’ll let you tell it.