Archive for June, 2005

How About Some ROC-A-FELLA Good News

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005

Its not all about sensationalism and bad news when we talk about JAY-Z here at the weblog. Sometimes we do it to send out congratulations. We were told that JAY-Z has a daughter from back in his wild days as a reputed drug kingpin in Brooklyn’s Marcy Projects.

LIL’ MISS JIGGA just graduated from I.S. 230 back in June. She will be attending Automotive H. S. in the fall.
jay's lil' girl

NBA Jiggs are dumb as all fuck

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005

sir charles
How boring has the NBA become now that PATRICK EWING-MICHAEL JORDAN-CHARLES BARKLEY have retired? It is as exciting now as watching two elderly people spoon each other. As a matter of fact, there is less action in the NBA.

And why can’t MAGIC JOHNSON just hire a speech therapist? He is richer than GOD himself. MAGIC is so rich that he has cured himself of the AIDS, but he can’t help himself from sounding like a confused sharecropper when he reads from the teleprompter. When MAGIC and BARKLEY are in the studio together I just have to close my eyes and I could swear that I have AMOS & ANDY on the television.

And since when did all of these weird Europeans and foreigners come into the league. France, Slovenia, Croatia, Puerto Rico and Argentina have people playing in the Finals while classic urban centers like New York City, Chicago and Detroit(yes, Detroit) are mysteriously under-represented as far as player’s hometowns go. I blame rap music for this. All the jiggs that would normally play basketball are in the recording studio making rap albums. The situation is so dire that All-Star NBA player, RON ARTEST, took a leave of absence from his team to promote his gangsta rap album.

This is a call to all my weblog readers. As a public service to all the young jigg boys that we may encounter in our daily travels I am pleading with you to inform them how lucrative being an NBA player can be. Remind them of the potential perks like having a B.M.(baby momma) in every city that you play in, and possibly having a set of car wheels named after you. If we can’t get more good strong jigg boys back into the league soon with names that I can pronounce, I will have to start watching NASCAR. There is no way that NASCAR would let some Serbian Albanian race a car in their sport. Even the water fountains in pit row are still segregated.

R.KELLY is an Evil Genius

Sunday, June 12th, 2005

What would you do if you had a super power? Would you use your super power to help save people and right the wrongs of the world? Or would you use your power for wild business? Would you become some kind of Narcissistic pedophile that has a Zorro mask fetish? That’s what you would do if your name was ROBERT SYLVESTER KELLY.

Over the last fifteen years there has been no question that R.KELLY has been the most compelling R&B artist around. His musical compositions are filled with bass heavy lazy midwestern funk grooves. Perfect for creating the vibe to put the squeeze on your favorite squeeze. His songs lyrics are brash and cocky, filled with enough sexual innuendo to be the script for a pimp’s biography. This is an artist who is crazy enough to call himself the Pied Piper!?! This link is an illustration from the fairytale. Peep the young maidens all around the piper. I should say that its ASSUMED that the girls in the illustration are maidens and not young harlots, but you do know how Medieval Europe got down?

In the end I think that’s ultimately why we suffer him his affliction for pre-pubescent women. If R.KELLY wasn’t around to make his music there would be a lot of un-Happy People. So I have decided that I will not admonish R.KELLY, as long as he doesn’t kill any of these girls. If he had to kill one, say because she got out of pocket, and he didn’t torture her, then I wouldn’t be mad. Like if he killed a girl by accident, because say, she liked to be choked while being peed on, I wouldn’t be mad at him. Now don’t get it twisted by thinking that I would ever advocate violence against women(unless of course she consented and they established an agreed upon safe word). Its just a
reality that accidents do happen sometimes when people are making love. How else do you explain all the kids in the foster care system?

By George that’s it! R.KELLY should open a foster home for young girls. This way if he molests any of the girls he can’t be prosecuted because they will be legally his daughters and everyone knows that incest is NEVER a crime when entertainers do it.(GOOGLE a link for either JERRY LEE LEWIS, ELVIS PRESLEY and WOODY ALLEN).

I don’t want ROBERT SYLVESTER KELLY to go to jail because there is no one else that can craft a ghetto soap opera story like the ‘Trapped in the Closet’ saga.

JENNIFER WILBANKS = American Heroine

Friday, June 3rd, 2005

Georgia peach party girl
I have to assume that you all have heard the story of JENNIFER WILBANKS, the runaway bride and former Georgia peach. It turns out that ol’ girl will have to pony up some scrilla for the county in Georgia that bankrolled the manhunt for her. As it stands now, homegirl is also facing indictment for filing a false report to the police.

Before we get into all of that let me just be clear. I think that she is a hero. She has single handedly demonstrated to America that women desperately need to get their freak on too. A few days before she was to be married she said to herself, “Self, we are about to spend the rest of our life with one penis and its not that good a penis either. This is our last chance to legally try that Mexican smuggler/bungee jump/menage-a-trois we’ve always dreamt of.” She threw caution into the wind and had a ‘banging’ bachelorette party. Now she gets
vilified in the media and is forced to wear the scarlet A. Had Ms.WILBANKS been a man instead he might be celebrated for his irresponsibility. We here at the weblog salute Ms.WILBANKS in her efforts to bring some kind of carnal equity to the table. You know, the whole goose/gander cliche.

The other reason that Ms.WILBANKS is now a friend of the weblog is because she did not follow the script that virtually every white uses when their ass is grass – “the nigger(s) did it!” Ms.WILBANKS initially said that she was kidnapped by Latinos. This to me is a watershed moment for the progress of African Americans here in this country. I put this up there with the Civil Rights Act of 1964. For over three centuries, Blacks have been the default boogeymen here in America. When a white would kill his wife, drown his kids or rape a jogger all he had to do was say – “the nigger(s) did it!” The villagers would get their pitchforks and torches and raze some poor Cliff Huxtable out of his bed, drag him thru the town square and then lynch him. Because of the valiant Ms.WILBANKS, the power of that phrase – “the nigger(s) did it!” has been made null and void.

That is… as long as the nigger(s) didn’t do it.

Children Make Lousy Automobile Hood Ornaments

Friday, June 3rd, 2005

Every summer it seems like there is a new ‘killer trend’ that we have to be aware of. What I mean to say is that every summer there appears to be a rash of deaths that somehow could have been prevented if people used more caution and common sense. During the summer you are always going to have old people succumbing to heat strokes so I don’t really count that since they were old anyway. What I am talking about are the deaths that involve children. These are the hardest for me to bear and I don’t even have children. I guess it hurts me deeply because I believe that children are the future. And the more of them the better, to grow up become responsible and make their FICA contributions so that I will have some Social Security money to burn
right before I get the heat stroke.

Why does every decade have their child death scourge? When I was growing up in the 70’s kidnapping was the big thing every summer. There was also that summer in 1977 when all the kids were drowning in the pissy public pools. Then in the 80’s kids had to worry about stray bullets. The anomaly during that decade was in 1982 when a dozen or so kids died after their heads exploded from eating too many POP ROCKS and drinking PEPSI. The 90’s was all about kids dying while in foster care. Which brings us to the new millennium and the latest trend in children deaths – Hit and Run drivers.

New York City has already set a six month record for the number of people killed by Hit and Run drivers and with schools closed for
summer recess I expect the numbers to swell up by the end of August. Brooklyn is the epicenter for Hit and Run hell because it is home to the most uninsured drivers in the nation. And no wonder that no one
in Brooklyn has car insurance
. No one can afford it!

Another part of the reason that children are so susceptible to Hit and Run drivers is that the time honored art of jay-walking is in decline amongst the youth. I blame this on the prevalence of PlayStation. Children no longer go outside to toss a ball around or grab a cat by its tail and throw it like we did when we were growing up. In decades past, children HAD to play in the streets. Sure, you lose a few kids to stray bullets but I simply call that ‘Ghetto Darwinism’. Any kid that survived the summer was built for the upcoming school year. My advice to all the parents in the cipher is to replace your childs
XBOX-GameCube-PlayStation with a Kevlar or Teflon vest. Kick their azz out of the house and tell them to play in the streets.