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Say what you want to about Hebrews but give us our props for having the most kick azz holiday stretch of any of the major religions. Okay, okay, the coptic Christians that go from Christmas to Three Kings Day have two weeks of balling out, but Hanukkah is still the bomb because we get to use fire.

Our holiday is the celebration of pushing back the wigs of the Greek soldiers that were occupying the holy land. Back in those days the Greeks had a whole military industrial complex to die for (literally). They had a navy and an army and they were into shit like coming up into your living room and taking your television and your goats and the what not.

My great-great-great grandfathers were tired of the Greeks beasting out their property so they made some of the occupiers lean back. This started a whole war thing. Since the Greeks had like all the good tanks and helicopters my people would have to throw their rocks and then run into the mountains to hide out. The Greeks were hating on my folks bigtime by calling them terrorists and insurgents and all kinds of other misnomers. It was a bad scene. Many Hebrews were killed and enslaved.

The tide turned after the Greeks ran up inside the temple in Jehrusalem and started wildin’ out. The Greeks tried to make the temple a sanctuary for their homie Zeus and that is when all hell broke loose. Everyone in the ‘hood flipped out on the Greeks including all the old folks. With their rocks and sticks they pushed the Greeks back into the sea.

The temple was in shambles, but my peoples decided to make a big party out of the repairing of the house of the Lord. It took them only one quarter cycle of the moon to complete the renovations, but we have been arguing about who did the most work ever since.