Archive for August, 2005

RANDY MOSS smoked Crack and I don’t care! My masters gone away.

Sunday, August 21st, 2005

smoke 'em if you got 'em
Hold the phone!? This is the same guy that tried to run over a policeman!? The same guy that walked off the football field DURING a game!? The same guy who temporarily displaced O.J. SIMPSON and MIKE TYSON as the most hated athlete in America, otherwise known as the ‘Jig Boogeyman’ award. Do you know how hard it is to get O.J. out of the #1 spot???

I wouldn’t have been surprised if RANDY MOSS admitted to smokin’ wu’s either because that Negro was actin’ like he channeled FLAVOR FLAV. Now that all of this is behind him and he says that it is past tense why are we being bothered with this story? What sickens me are all
the sports reporters that are having their own fake confessionals of pot usage. These are the same pundits to get all crazy when some baseball player takes steroids. Here’s the rub, both weed and steroids are illegal for regular people like us, but for elite athletes, and teachers, and bus drivers they are like vitamins that help you cope on the daily.

I just wish that teachers and bus drivers could get paid a little more. Or at least have a NIKE sneaker named after them.


Friday, August 19th, 2005

For the second time in a few months some crackhead in Brooklyn has broken the vent window to my truck and rummaged thru the car taking everything that wasn’t nailed down. My CD’s, a towel, my workbag(with about ten envelopes for the ‘snail mail’ subscribers) and my favorite
cup with the POLO BEAR on it. The total cost that will be available to the crackhead with all these items that are worthless to anybody but me = $5 dollars. The cost that GEICO will pay to the glass company that re-installs the window = $500 dollars.

At some point we need to allow the use of crackheads for human target practice since it would be cost effective when comparing the price of bullets to that of drug rehabilitation.


Friday, August 12th, 2005

amputations are forever!
When I heard that KANYE WEST’s latest song was titled ‘Diamonds from Sierre Leone’ I was pleasantly intrigued. Way back in February, during ValenTIMES’ Day we talked about diamonds and how much bloodshed their production cost. We learned about the diamond industry’s new rating device that termed some of these gems as ‘NON-conflict diamonds’. I was happy that a rapper was taking the lead to speak to the world about the atrocity and injustice that the diamond industry has wrought on Africa.

What the fuck was I thinking???

KANYE WEST’s song doesn’t say shit about the socio-eco-political misdeeds of the DeBEERS Corp(they run over 80% of the diamond trade), the song doesn’t speak about civil wars or child mutilations and kidnappings. The song is about KANYE, JAY-Z and DAME DASH. Goddamnit this is the last time I will look to a crapper to use their platform for the power of good. I should have known better anyway. On the slee sly, DeBEERS prah’lee owns the company that distributes Def Jam anyhoo.

So where does that leave us? DALLAS PENN, BILLY SUNDAY and BLU CHEEZ are for the children so we have no choice but to keep it real. I don’t mind admitting that I was bamboozled when it came to learning about diamonds, but now that I have some more info I will ask y’all to do the knowledge with me.

‘Conflict diamonds’ are diamonds that are sold to fund the unlawful and illegal operations of rebel, military and terrorist groups. The countries most affected by conflict diamonds are Sierra Leone, Angola, Liberia and the Democratic Republic of Congo, all places where citizens have been terrorized, mutilated and killed by groups in control of the local diamond trade. In response to a few bleeding heart Americans, the diamond industry concocted this cockamamie certifying process to establish if a diamond was from a ‘conflict’ region or a ‘NON-conflict’ area.

The big problem with this system, called the Kimberly Process is that NO diamond can be certified from a location of origin. The molecular composition of the gem does not describe where in the Earth it has been mined from. Because diamonds are small and easily portable and their lack of metal molecules also helps to avoid detection from an array of security devices it is possible to transport them over thousands miles to be sold anywhere.

Lastly, and most importantly, ALL of Africa is fucked the fuck up! I don’t care if the diamond came from a place that isn’t undergoing a civil war. Africa has the AIDS like the U.S. has soda pop(incidentally, the SPRITE Remix Aruba Jam is the best soda ever, but I digress). Africa has a kazillion dollar debt burden, which still confuses me since they have had so many mineral resources I don’t understand how they could be so broke(okay, I do understand, but let’s just pretend like the Versailles Treaty never happened).

The fetish for diamonds and other precious items here in the States has continued the instability in the African continent to this day. I certainly can’t blame crappers and Jigs for starting this situation, but they are certainly the ones that perpetuate the madness. Oh yeah, also Italian peoples with really dark tans love diamonds too. The question now is… where do we go from here? Its not like I am a big fan of the Africans anyhoo. If it wasn’t for some greedy Africans my family may never have been shipped over here, but I do recognize a need to help stabilize Africa. If at least to keep those motherfuckers from coming over here and bootlegging everyone’s CDs. Although the Africans do make great target practice for the NYPD(DIALLO stand up – if you can).

By refusing to buy diamonds you can help Africa get her shit together and stop sending us hair-braiding, bootlegg CD selling, 41 bullet holding bodies. These were always the traditional lifestyle choices for your average American Black.

The BeYONCE Factor – a slight retraction…

Thursday, August 11th, 2005

For all of you keeping score at home or on the job, the BeYONCE Factor has been reconfigured slightly for better usage. The amended scorecard should reflect the following…

1) Can you say her name
2) Can she pay her bills
3) Is she a survivor
*4) Does she have a soldier – (if you dont recall, JAY-Z mased R.KELLY’s azz for getting too friendly?)
5) Cater to you
6) Dangerously in love
7) Bootylicious


Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

A big shout goes out to my financial adviser EXTRA P for figuring out the rating system of the BeYONCE Factor. Yes, we at the weblog use BeYONCE songs to rate celebrities on how close they compare to the most fabulous of all women in the universe – Ms. BeYONCE KNOWLES.

Here’s a quick rewind of the format for your information…
In parentheses are the factors that give someone a high or low score depending on how we rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they should receive the full allotment of points(100). I would like for you to add a factor of two if you could. We love BeYONCE here at the weblog but we don’t own any of her albums. BTW, we consider DESTINY’s CHILD as BeYONCE featuring two backup dancers.

1) Can you say her name – (how ‘Black’ sounding the name of the subject is scores the most points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the subject have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the subject had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the subject ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the subject?)
6) Dangerously in love – (does the subject find themself in a
relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)

This is the BeYONCE Factor and today’s subject will be CONDOLEEZA RICE. Mrs. RICE does have a lot of things working in her favor like the fact that she has ascended to one of the greatest levels of modern American government that a person of African ancestry has seen. Unfortunately, Ms. RICE might argue with you about the whole African ancestry thing. No matter though, the BeYONCE Factor crosses all racial/socio-economic strata. To prove this we will also plug JESSICA SIMPSON into the Factor just to see her BeYONCE-tality. Here we go…

1) Can you say her name – 100 (only a sister could have this name)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (you best believe she owns stock in EXXON/MOBIL Corp)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 (anyone know what happened to COLIN POWELL?)
4) Baby boy – 0 (thank GOD that Roe v. Wade is already a law)
5) Cater to you – 0 (her idea of room service is sending a smartbomb thru your kitchen window)
6) Dangerously in love – 50 (you think she’s ever kissed GEORGE BUSH in the mouth?)
7) Bootylicious – 0 (only DARTH VADER would be attracted to the woman
pictured above)

8) Soldier – 100 (she’s got the whole U.S. military holding her down)

CONDOLEEZA RICE’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals – 450 points

JESSIE's girl
1) Can you say her name – 0
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (MTV show, movie deals, lip-syncing engagements)
3) Is she a survivor – 0 (no street cred from this camp?)
4) Baby boy – 20 (since she is from Texas we gotta give her the benefit of the doubt)
5) Cater to you – 10 (she’s a sweet girl, but she prah’lee can’t boil water)
6) Dangerously in love – 60 (how many of us still speak to the person
that we lost our virginity with?)
7) Bootylicious – 60 (she’s got a nice little seat… for a white girl)

JESSICA SIMPSON’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals – 250 points

So as you can see from our continued experimentation, there is no one that can hold a candle close to BeYONCE KNOWLES.