Archive for April, 2006

SUPERSIZE ME

Wednesday, April 26th, 2006

jabba

Here’s a little guidebook for those of you, like myself, on the express train to fat bastard status.

I have disovered a loophole in the system. McDonald’s Corp. is constantly devising new mnemonic(and some say demonic) slogans that are short and catchy. Do you remember their ad campaign featuring the phrase, “We love to see you smile.” Here’s how you put the slogan to the test…

When you go to McDonald’s order a double cheeseburger and then tell them to put the sandwich on the seeded bun.

After that tell them to put the Big Mac’s special sauce on the sandwich.

Lastly tell them NOT to put the sandwiches in the ‘cueing’ oven, because it’s only a microwave and it ruins the sandwiches.

You have just created a mini Mac. Yeah, there is one less slice of bread, but the cost is only a buck.

I’m lovin’ it!

mcDooDee

MATT MURDOCK Was My Nigga

Wednesday, April 26th, 2006

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Peace to my dude COMBAT JACK (no BB for DD).

The above pictured comic book is the climax to one of the most intense love stories that you will find in graphic literature. Marvel Comics was so fucking bomb azz back in the days because their characters felt so real. Motherfuckers were hell’a conflicted and bi-polar before we even had the term for that shit. The good guys were often borderline criminals and the crooks were fucking insane. The appeal for Marvel was that they weren’t afraid to give young writers and artists a chance to shine. The truth was that they couldn’t afford to pay anybody either so they let their creative staff have pretty much free rein.

There was a young writer/artist named FRANK MILLER who took over the book and he made the Daredevil character one of the most down azz heroes in the comic universe. Daredevil’s alter-ego was a blind defense attorney named MATTHEW MURDOCK. Daredevil was somewhat the Marvel counterpoint to Batman. He operated mainly at nighttime and he used the shadows and the dark as his accomplice. Daredevil operated mainly in Manhattan and FRANK MILLER would use New York City streetscapes as backdrops and occasionally the latent character. Daredevil was a cool street motherfucker too. He would be fucking up the ‘H’ and ‘C’ pushers as he made his way to getting the head of the mafia underworld, the Kingpin.

The Kingpin was getting tired of Daredevil fucking up his racketeering so he hired this sociopath named Bullseye to kick Daredevil’s ass. Bullseye was a major badass. He had been mindfucked bys ome secret government agency and turned into a killing machine. He was cut loose when they realized that they couldn’t control him. Nigga was so sick he would kill motherfuckers by cutting thir larynx with a playing card. He threw a pencil into this dude’s eye socket one time. When Kingpin contracted Bullseye to kill Daredevil, Bullseye was going to do it for no money down. He just wanted the rush. No happs jack. In the end, Daredevil would always fuck Bullseye up with his own weapons.

Kingpin found out about this sick lady ninja assassin and he hired her to kill Daredevil. As the story goes MATT MURDOCK and this chick, ELEKTRA, were lovers back in college. She had to get disappeared when her dad was killed by some organized crime dudes. ELEKTRA’s real mission was to come back to New York and get close enough to the Kingpin to kill him, but now that she knows that Daredevil is her old love she can’t complete her job. MATT MURDOCK/Darevil wants ELEKTRA to get out of the killing game and lay up with him. The baddest part was when they were first reunited, Daredevil could recognize old girl by her smell. There is nothing more sensuous than a chick that has the pheromone combination that moves your manhood. Mind you that I am reading these books as a 10yr old so I didn’t appreciate the sexy shit until later.

Because ELEKTRA doesn’t fulfill her contract and now she is running the streets with Daredevil fucking up more of the Kingpin’s money she becomes a target. Bullseye takes the contract to kill Elektra thinking that it will emotionally weaken Daredevil. ELEKTRA is no fucking joke, but it’s a man’s world and Bullseye takes her ninja sword from her and shanks her good. ELEKTRA crawls back to MATT MURDOCK’s crib and dies in his arms. ELEKTRA’s death weighed pretty heavy on me too since only a year prior the X-Men creative team had JEAN GREY committing suicide in front of her one and only love, SCOTT SUMMERS.

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ELEKTRA’s death was raw and filled with graphic pain and not heroic like Phoenix’ demise. You felt so much anger at Bullseye because he gleefully laughed at her as she bled like like a dog. I never wanted to kick someone’s ass as bad as I wanted to fuck up Bullseye. I wasn’t the only dude with blood in my eye. Your boy MATT MURDOCK brought it to Bullseye on some cataclysmic shit and broke every bone in his body. That wouldn’t be enough to make up for the loss of his love, but it felt good.

This is why Marvel Comics was that illustrative crack. Superman would never duff nobody out like this.

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SECRET LIVES of GHETTO CELEBS

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

soul brothers

The little homie and the bearded lady show us how to properly do the ‘soul brother’ handshake.

MUGSHOT HAIRSTYLE MODELS (week 4)

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

I aint mad at'cha

If it’s Tuesday and the Shield is in reruns then it must be the Mugshot Hairstyle Model contest brought to you by the producers of ‘America’s Next Top Model’, ‘America’s Most Wanted’ and the U.P.N. This week’s episode is hosted again by the greatest dead rapper alive, TUPAC SHAKUR.

Each week this month four(4) contestants have competed to be the winner for that week’s Mugshot Hairstyle Model. Next week will be the runoff amongst all the weekly finalists for the contest’s grand prize winner. Your votes are being tallied from the comments left in each thread. Let your votes be based upon real factors like 1) style gulliness, 2) hair length and 3) model’s prior convictions.

So far we have ROBERT DeGRAFF, HARRY THOMPSON, and REDBONE JESUS moving on the the finals. The following profiles are the last contestants left to choose from. Please give a hand to all of the Mugshot Hairstyle Models.

And here are this weeks Mugshot Hairstyle Models…

young gunner CLAUDE WHITFORD
The children are the future and young CLAUDE is ready to bring the pain with his twisty locks. Assault with a deadly weapon and resisting arrest is the only way to jump start a career in Mugshot Hairstyle Modeling.

domesticator FRED ALFRED JOHNSON
It’s easy to see why FRED chose a career in Mugshot Hairstyle Modeling. What kind of drug crazed parent would give their child the same name twice? Cocaine possession and aggravated battery upon a pregnant victim sounds like FRED likes to get into catfights on the catwalk.

badazz DARRYL LAMAR WHITE
This guy has the smile of a winner. It’s not enough for DARRYL to be one of the contestants with ‘good hair’, he sports a lifetime of Mugshot Hairstyle Modeling achievement. He might be smiling but when it comes to kids DARRYL doesn’t play. Felony battery, domestic battery, false imprisonment, child abuse and resisting an officer. Plus we think the parts in the eyebrow really gives him that other KID-n-PLAY swagger.

loverboy ROBERT LAMAR PARRISH
ROBERT was a reluctant Mugshot Hairstyle Model, but he’s young enough to be around for awhile. ROBERT just enjoys listening to SLIM SHADY and occasionally using methamphetamine. Unfotunately, the SLIM SHADY C.D.’s that he listens to come from the homes that he burglarizes.

True story is that the middle name LAMAR is the most common name for prospective Mugshot Hairstyle Model contestants.

National Boogiemen Association

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

true warrier

The NBA playoffs have just tipped off and we already have a media ‘boogieman’ sighting. It was going to be RON ARTEST or RASHEED WALLACE that’s for sure. RON steps up by taking the first charge from the commisar’s office. RON ARTEST has always been on a short leash with the commish’s office and that leash seems to get tighter with every technical foul he is assessed.

NBA commish DAVID STERN may only be 5ft.-4inches, but trust me he is a T.I. STERN is not about to let his jig plantation get out of order either. With NBA attendance in a steady decline and more importantly, NBA merchandising, STERN will not even let the impression slip out that the inmates are running the asylum. RON ARTEST should have known better than to put his hand on the Mexican player with the Italian sounding surname. ARTEST’s action further exacerbates the tense racial issues that Blacks and Mexicans are dealing with now. Social misgivings notwithstanding, the NBA playoffs are all about one thing – money. Disney paid the NBA a grip of scrilla for the exclusive rights to broadcast this watered down product. There are so many goddamned playoff games that the regular season seems worthless. I swear that the NBA finals will be played in August this year.

The NBA had such a sweet run in the years past where they had players that were characters and personalities, but they also had a grasp of the team concept of basketball. Maybe the Association didn’t see the handprints on the neck of P.J. CARLESIMO because of his beard, but here we find ourself with a league whose most nationally recognizable M.V.P. candidate loves to azz rape white women. Well guess who’s getting fucked when you sit down to watch the wet blanket Spurs play against the WARIER-less Kings? Those are three hours you will never get back.

And why was RON ARTEST suspended for a game anyhoo? He hit a white dude upside the head that’s why! This is not hockey where white dudes can hit each other in the face until they are bloody and then finish playing the game after they sit alone in a cubicle during the commercial break.

glasglow kiss

This isn’t the World Cup either, where players have been known to visit the stands and become acquainted with fans that have different political philosophies.

glasglow politics

The NBA sure isn’t the WBA either, but that could be part of the problem. I say let the players get a little intimate and physical with each other. Let the players nibble whisper sweet nothings in each others’ ears.

tyson

Instead of promoting scoring so much there should be a new appreciation for defense. The kids on Duke’s lacrosse team got in trouble for trying to score. Now they better hope they have a good defense. RON ARTEST knows what it’s like to be dragged through the system and when he isn’t on the court making it tough for people to score he likes to relax by playing classical music. Even the ‘boogieman’ can appreciate BRAHMS and BEETHOVEN

beethoven boogie