Archive for August, 2005


Sunday, August 7th, 2005

I got 99 problems!
For more than a decade I have begged all my friends to rename August with me. The new name is BLACK HISTORY MONTH part II. It seems only fitting that Black History Month should be the time of year that the weather gets as ‘African’ as it possibly can. I am sweating so much that I need to find a men’s room every 30minutes just to wring out my underwear. Black people are all out and about going to free concerts and getting their summertime freak on.

This seems like a perfect opportunity to me to inject a little history and knowledge of self into the atmosphere. Like for instance, did you know that the custom of pouring out ones malt liquor is an ancient tribal custom of honoring the dead? I am not sure what the purpose of tapping the bottom of the 40oz. means, but I will find out.

To begin my celebration of Black History Month part II this year I would like to honor Black women. You sisters have fought hard for the community and you have made countless contributions to American culture. No matter how many pairs of SEVEN FOR ALL MANKIND jeans these Hindabi girls buy, their booties will never be as round as my sisters. White girls have definitely come up on the bumbum tip but they are still lacking when considered for the luscious lipness qualities. Spanish girls… well, I’m sorry sisters, but spanish girls have y’all beat bodywise, but their inability to learn basic english
makes communication impossible. HA! Black girls win again!

In honor of the most beautiful women in the world I am going to see one of the most beautiful singers ever tonite at a free concert. MISS PATTI LaBELLE will be at the SeaSide stage in Coney Island. And you know she is going to get all ‘kick off her shoes’ emotional now that fat LUTHER is dead.

So That’s Why They Call It CAN-COON!

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005

Memin Pinguin
Mexico has been in the news a lot lately because the word is getting out that they are tired of Black people coming to their country to vacation. The government there is considering making a sambo caricature the country’s mascot and placing the images on a series of postage stamps. The first series of the stamps has sold out already.

The only problem for Mexico is that if the Jig people stop coming to that polluted country their peso will lose all of its say so. Most good-minded white have access to more exotic places where you can actually drink the water like Costa Rica, Belize and Argentina. Ku Klux Klan members on holiday won’t be able to replace all the ghetto fabulous jigs that spend thousands of dallars to return back to the States with a gastro-intestinal virus. I went to the 52nd state twice back in the 90’s for this super fly jig festival and both times I didn’t drink the Mexican water, but I came back home with my azz on fire(no homo).

I always hated the fact that Mexico only deports the midget Mayans to the U.S. All the Spanish people of regular height they keep for themselves. I met these two Mexican whores at a bullfight in the countryside region. They appeared to be supermodels to me since they were both about six foot tall and they looked like Gisele Bundchen. I thought that I was going to get myself a Mexican menage-a-trois at one-third the price(considering the dollar-peso exchange rate). I ended up bound, gagged and robbed at knifepoint by who I suspect may have been two fuckin’ Panamanian post-ops(super extra NO HOMO).

FUCK MEXICO! I am going somewhere that is safer, like Aruba.