Archive for April, 2007

COMBAT JACK: My Gunshots Will Make You Levitate! (Hardbody Re-Up)

Saturday, April 28th, 2007

jimmy jump

Editor’s note: Internets veteran Combat Jack returns to the website to drop some fire on a young writer from named Sickamore. It seems that the online publication’s writing staff have been given orders from their T.I. bosses to create a civil war between Hip-Hop fans born in the 1970’s and those that were born in the 1980’s. Some more fratricide that Hip-Hop surely doesn’t need, but if the young’n wants beef he’ll quickly see that Combat Jack isn’t the uno. I hope that this reply ends this beef thread once and for all. We shall see…

“You Gotta Have Style, and Learn To Be Original”
-quote from a 70’s baby

Being a true “70’s” baby, I’ve somewhat given up on the dismal state of today’s Crap Muzik as it is endlessly being churned out of all Hip Hop oriented media outlets (radio, television) like pork sausage out of a meat grinder. Understanding how the corporate monster operates, (exploitation until the point of oversaturation, or ‘point of diminishing returns), it’s clear that in our capitalistic society (eff a democracy, never was, never will be), the cause for the genre’s demise is far more complex than simply blaming one sole source. The factors leading up to Hip Hop’s current state is numerous and evolutionary, but also portrays the essence of everything under the sun, nothing stays the same, everything is impermanent. Adapt and evolve or get left the eff back. Understanding how EVERYTHING nurtured in Black culture (jazz, rock & roll, r&b , hip hop, soul food, style of dress, slang, sexy ass women of color, etc) has and will eventually be consumed, reinterpreted, remixed, cannibalized, dictated and spit out by our mass culture circus, it’s more than obvious that we’re all riding together in this church van to hell.

But lo’ and behold, the more things change, the more things stay the same.
I recently came across an example of some jig eager to get props by
attempting to create a “civil war” in the form of “80’s babies” vs. “70’s
babies” beef, thus upholding the tenets of the old Willie Lynch speech.

Peep game: “They Should’ve Never Gave You Niggas Corporate Cards”: How The 70’s Baby Executives Shaped Hip Hop Today For Better AND Worse

Dick-some-more’s thesis claims that the dismal state of today’s Hip Hop is in no way the fault of the ’80’s generation, but that the responsibility lies at the hands of cats like Hova and Damon Dash (Roc-a-fella), Irv Gotti (Murder Inc.) and other numerous music execs from the “Me Generation” that were instrumental in creating mad employment opportunities for idjits like him. Suck-much-more even gives a weak excuse in claiming that “us “crack babies” are only a product of our environment and upbringing” thus rendering him and his generation totally helpless from having any type of redemptive influence in resuscitating this Crap shit or in creating new types of art forms to bang to. That’s weak dude, last I heard, “excuses are tools for the incompetent”. But hey, let me, for a moment, bitch up and subscribe to this lame’s theory that today’s environment is too eff’d up and oppressive to create new, hyped unprecedented shit. Comparing today’s environment to yesteryear, us 70’s niggas faced, experienced, lived through the following (in no particular order):

welfare in abundance, the explosion of the crack epidemic, the introduction of a deadly new disease by the name of AIDS, effd up polyester suits, the tail end of bad exploitation flix, fug ugly ghetto chicks, no shortage of blowed up tenement buildings in our urban cities, Reaganomics in full effen effizect, Billy Dee Williams, White boys and rock music reigning supreme, effeminate r&b dudes heating up the charts, disco, Son of Sam, shags and jherri curls, NBA niggas rocking nut hugging briefs on court, effed the effed up subway systems, no cable TV, the 77′ NYC Black Out, no West Coast (or Dirty South) dick licking, (shit, no effin West Coast), original NYC gangs like the Jolly Stompers and the Tomahawks, Olde English 800, trey bags, no MTV Cribs just cracker jack ass Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous, Dallas, Dynasty, The A Team, Fantasy Island and Love Boat, no lap tops, no cell phones, raw unprotected sex (yes!!!) , no Rolex, no Bentley’s, no MTV, no corporate Black Cards, no Hip Hop publications, no Hip Hop videos, no Hip Hop radio, no Hip Hop clubs, no Hip Hop blogs, NO EFFIN” HIP HOP !!!! Now, if my memory serves me correct, niggas didn’t waste their time getting their boxers all up in a bunch and cryin about shit and their environment, niggas manned up and evolved.

Now before I get dismissed as being a “grumpy old man, living in the past and hugging my De La Soul Is Dead cassettes”, ain’t no T La Rock, Just-Ice Jordache shit over here son. To all my new niggas repping the 80’s baby set
correctly, no stray shots aimed your way (whaddup Bol, Eskay?). This ain’t
about East vs. West, 70’s vs. 80’s, old vs. new, it’s about niggas and bitches, money and power, and a grown man learning one of his son’s right and proper in the middle of the street.

Now, I can understand Dick-some-more’s frustration with 80’s Babies supposedly having a tough task at hand, but yo, that’s life dun. Buck the eff up or get the eff out of the way! For the life of me, I can’t understand how niggas like you allowed Laffy Taffy and Yung Joc niggas to run ya’ll ragged like track meets. Seems to me it’s waaaaaay past time for yellow purty mouthed ijgs like this kid to stop their blood clot cryin’. A good start would be to remove cracker jack’s nutt sacs from yer tonsils and getting Saigon’s unit from being stuck waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay up from inside you!


DARTH VADER Is The Baddest Motherfucker Of All Time! (Classsic Re-Up)

Friday, April 27th, 2007

the B.M.F.O.A.T.!
Here I am all juiced up to go to the Ziegfield Theater for the midnite showing of the latest STAR WARS film. My girlfriend is a movie industry cog and she hooked me up with a pass for the night. Nevermind the fact that I am going to go with one of her co-workers who is a white. Ol’ boy is cool enough with me and one time he even shared his magic brownies with me at this crazy christmas house party.

The answer is ‘yes’. I would have carried my toy lightsaber that I usually bring with me to P-FUNK concerts. The answer is ‘no’. I do not wear a jedi robe or cloak. That would just be gay. And like CAM’RON, I am ‘NO HOMO’. Plus it is the last STAR WARS movie or so we are being told by the creator of this universe, GEORGE LUCAS. He vows not to create another movie for this storyline, but I am becoming a skeptic since he is using this upcoming film to innovate cross-promotional marketing strategies that Madison Avenue has never dreamed of.

I can’t remember when any film was being hyped in such an aggressive manner. Everywhere I turn I am seeing products that have little or no connection to the film series using licensed characters and images from the film series. YODA’s face on a can of soup. OBI-WAN KENOBI on a box of cereal. DARTH VADER on a Slurpee cup. DARTH VADER would not have enjoyed a Slurpee. DARTH VADER is strictly black Colombian coffee with no sugar. From now on I will call him the B.M.F.O.A.T. because DARTH VADER is officially the baddest motherfucker of all time!

Who’s bad?!?! Most people argue that ADOLF HITLER is the B.M.F.O.A.T. and I will submit to you all that HITLER should certainly be in the top five. But when I compare records of badness, DARTH VADER has HITLER trumped hands down. First of all, HITLER was a brutal, heartless killer who slaughtered millions of my people in internment camps. DARTH VADER blew up a whole planet in Episode 4 that was easily occupied by billions of people. So VADER wins in overall death toll statistics. ADOLF HITLER was no snazzy dandy and the only people he has inspired to dress like him are the disenfranchised white that live in Nebraska or Montana or wherever the KKK is from. DARTH VADER has had all the designers from Fashion Avenue spooning his nuts for the last ten years. He’s got that whole futuristic dom thing going on complete with with the shiny codpiece, knee high black boots and cape. You can’t even get into a club in NYC if you aren’t wearing all black(yeah I know pink was all the rage last year but after people discovered that KANGAY WEST was an asshole that trend wore off). So DARTH wins again on style points.

HITLER was a charismatic speaker but that hardly counts for superpowers. DARTH VADER could choke a nigger just by closing his fingers. ‘Member that nigger he choked in the Imperial conference room because he was talking shit sideways? Imagine DARTH VADER as the CEO on the TV show ‘APPRENTICE’. Instead of firing somebody he would just put his fingers together and choke they azz.

I am sorry party people, but you have to agree, DARTH VADER is officially the baddest motherfucker of all time.

B.M.F.O.A.T. WANNABES (Team Rocket Re-Up)

Friday, April 27th, 2007

mojo jojo

Being the Baddest Motherfucker Of All Time is like the highest award you can achieve. Evar! It’s like you melted your Nobel prize and your Grammy award and then poured the moten metal on top of an Oscar. Then the Queen of England knighted you. That is how big being on the DP Dot Com B.M.F.O.A.T. list is. Real talk. So you can’t blame people for trying to crack the list which will cement their legacy of badness.

You have to have the most depraved sense of humanity if you are going to be a B.M.F.O.A.T. and you need the tools around you to help you properly execute your plans of terror. A lot of people fall short of badness greatness. Yeah, they’re bad and the whole nine, but they aren’t great at being bad. They are still in the minor leagues of bad azz talent. They are the the second stringers on Team Badd Ass. The following list is dedicated to the bench warmers to the badness crown.

What good is being a genetically engineered genius primate if you can’t keep your azz from being pwned by elementary schoolgirls? MOJO JOJO has a swankier lab than the Professor and he still can’t seem to get his shit straight. This also reminds me… How effin’ hot is Ms.BELLUM?

RASHEED has tons of technical fouls, but hardly any actual arrests. He’s certainly no ISAIAH RIDER and not even a DAMON STOUDEMIRE. This man plays in Detroit and has never even been arrested with a gun in his possession. Get your hardbody weight up RASHEED, or put a smile on your fucking face.

team rocket TEAM ROCKET
I can’t front, when Pokemon first debuted I was addicted to that shit. It was compelling television because it taught children to be self-reliant and creative with their dispute resolution skills. Team Rocket was the contant foil to Pikachu and his owner. Would you have me arrested if I said that I always watched the show in the hopes that JESSIE from Team Rocket would have a nip slip? How much of a loser are you in real life if you dress up and play a team of losers?

team rocket

team rocket

Who was funding this schmuck? C.O.B.R.A. had all kinds of fancy equipment and secret lairs that would have cost millions or even billions in 1980’s money. This dude never won shit, but he managed to keep the lights on. There should have been a coup inside C.O.B.R.A. and his mask should have been removed. Destro would have been a more bad azz leader except for the fact he was ghey and in love with the Commader.

zarkon JAWS
JAWS was JAMES BOND’s nemesis for a couple of movies before he ran off with some young chick wearing braces. Give him credit though for bringing his grills into mainstream culture. Just ask the folks fom ‘BLING: The Hip-Hop Jewelry Book‘.

This is the dude that Voltron pwned for life. He’s ugly as hell, but his bad azz talent… Not so much.

What a total beanbag this fuck up became. RONALD RAYGUN, GEORGE BUSH Sr. and OLIVER NORTH brought more cocaine into this country and sold more guns to Central America than anybody in the history of selling guns and trafficking cocaine and none of them spent a minute in jail. As a matter of fact, OLIVER NORTH is a televsion celebrity (on FOX, of course). NORIEGA tried to derail the flow of blow through Panama and look what he got for his trouble. Sucker!

And who can forget this pill popping crack addict?!? Because he has such a masterful control over the masses the conservative braintrust hasn’t revealed that he stays high on opium. Can you imagine what kind of smackhead you would have to be to advocate long prison sentences for habitual drug users when you are in the bathroom during every single audio break shoving tabs of OxyContin down your throat like Tic Tacs?!? If we found him dead in his home with some strippers pantyhose twisted around his neck it still wouldn’t mitigate the damage from this asshole’s carbon footprint.

AHMADENIJAD Aint Really Bad… (RAFI’s Re-Up)

Friday, April 27th, 2007

whos bad?!?

This past week in NYC was a global politics junkies stinky sulfur drenched wet dream. The Devil, the Mexican and the Arab all made headlines during their visits to the United Nations.

Despite showing some good ‘ol American marketing saavy Iran’s president can’t seem to get a break from the T.I. run media outlets. I mean it’s not that he hates the Jews, he just hates the hearts that beat inside of the Jews chest cavities. As bad as an AHMADENIJAD might seem he is still a far cry away from being ADOLF HITLER. My problem with all these despots being equated with HITLER is that I think that devalues the truly baddazz-ness that ADOLF HITLER had. Until you have at least a million dead people on your resume you shouldn’t even be considered for a B.M.F.O.A.T. award.

Here’s the top five on my list of Baddest Motherfuckers Of All Time.

I know what your’e thinking. Who the fuck is this guy? This is a mugshot of your boy JOE STALIN. It looks like the Russians knew he was a bad seed from the gate, but they let him slip through the cracks in an upward trajectory. SADDAM HUSSEIN was a cheap, post-cold war STALIN. The amount of Kurds that HUSSEIN killed was a pittance when you match him up next to STALIN’s genocidal tendencies.

Respect this man’s badazz pedigree for not letting a debilitating nerve disease stop him from committing mass murder via the Manhattan Project. It turns out the military was closing in on defeating the Japanese before the nukes were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In hindsight, the real bomb was dropped on the American manufacturing model as we now drive Japanese cars, watch Japanese television sets and fetish over exorbitantly priced Japanese tennis shoes.

The mainstream media consensus gold standard for despots, tyrants and just all around bad azz motherfuckers. I’ve never really given HITLER credit either for his sartorial sensibilities. Peep the Nazi insignia jacket buttons. ADOLF thought that being a fierce and cunning leader meant that he had to be a fierce cunt. How you doin’ HITLER?!?

mike piazza DARK PHOENIX
Speaking of fierce cunts… We’ve talked before about the Dark Phoenix and how she killed off a planet by causing it’s star to go supernova. She gets extra bad azz points for continuously killing herself and coming back to life in another storyline. Hey, she is called the Phoenix.


Seriously though, who is badder than Darth Vader?!? He dresses better than HITLER and Dark Phoenix. He merck’d his babies momma with a Force choke out and then later he chopped off his son’s hand. Ruthless and trendsetting. His all black leather outfit is the dream of forty-something BDSM’ers everywhere. Salute the baddest motherfucker of all time when you see him in the streets.


This fool put the fear of God into the white man. Lately he has been helping us to sell our DP dot com fundraising apparel. Incidentally, I have half a dozen of these shirts left so if anyone wants to help us keep the lights on you can hit me up on the e-mail.

jeffrey dahmer JEFFREY DAHMER
I suppose killing people is bad, but that is somewhat mitigated when you turn around and eat those same people. Instead of just disposing of the bodies he created a self-sustaining food source. Soylent Green is people and you, JEFFREY DAHMER, are a visionary.


Not satisfied with the slaying of countless elfs and orcs this former Dungeon Master is about to set his wrath upon a slackidaisical home repair vendor. I expect the carnage to invole the possible threat of legal action (he is a Jew) as well as several nasty letters to affiliated companies. This is a man that once spent nearly 72 straight hours involved in an internets role playing game. Never once getting up for a glass of water or to even use the bathroom. You people at Home Depot need to respect this man’s gangster.

DEJA VU FOR G DUBBZ (Throw Some D’s On The Re-Up)

Friday, April 27th, 2007

g dubbz

Wikipedia is the greatest online resource next to this website and it tells me that ‘deja vu’ is a French word for ‘already seen’. Paramnesia is the scientific term for the phenomena. People that experience deja vu have said that an eery or strange feeling accompanies the notion.


G DUBBZ and his henchmen have been giving tons a deja vu rhetoric lately to keep the fear in people’s hearts. The Administration has lately taken to labeling any critic of their policies a Nazi sympathizer or Communist. This tactic was a lot stronger during the Darth Sidious BUSH Sr. administration because there were still people alive that remembered the Nazis and the Communists. I think its cheap and disingenuous to invoke the bad guys from previous generations when we have so many bad guys that are current and contemporary who need some shine. Why can’t we let some young new bad guys come up in the game?

That’s why DP dot com should be any future politicos one-stop shopping for consulting. We can help you keep your propaganda fresh and relevant. Speaking to Generation iPod+ is our specialty. Get at me BARACK.

Let’s say hello to some of the new bad guys…

baron karza

I can tell that your scared already. G DUBBZ should equate Iran’s leader with the bad guy from the Micronauts universe. Dude has a crazy arab sounding name too. Even if you aren’t familiar with the Micronauts you have to admit that BARON KARZA looks bad. Dude is dressed in all black and he can transform from a kick azz humanoid to a kick more azz centaur. Scary.

baron karza

UNCLE RUCKUS is important as a domestic bad guy because he can help us continue the demonization of the undereducated, disenfranchised Black male. Do you remember all those folks that committed crimes against their families and then blamed it on Black guys? Memo to white that kills it’s own family: From now on you can blame your indiscretion on UNCLE RUCKUS.

“President BUSH wanted to get off his plane and help those tar people in New Orleans, but he was fearful that UNCLE RUCKUS would try to get him” -TONY SNOW, White House Press Secretary

uncle ruckus


Try to imagine for a moment the fear inside Middle America if G DUBBZ said that North Korean leader KIM JONG IL was planning on sending ninjas into America. Ninjas are total badasses that can sneak around at night, fly and make themselves disappear. I don’t know about y’all, but I see the polls shooting upwards in double digit numbers. Not only are ninjas ruthless killers, but they are hell’a fastidious. Do you see how neat this ninja keeps his CD collection? I’d be terrified of anyone who has a MICHAEL BOLTON slow jams collection in chronological order.


As always, the best bad guys are the ones that we can’t see. Forget the fact that they don’t even exist, but if you can convince the people that terror waits for them around the corner in the post office or the supermarket then you can make anybody and everybody a terrorist. Scare the people into becoming shut-ins with only their televisions to provide them with reality.

The operative word here is terror and it has to be used like a bludgeon. The Nazis and the Commies had their run, but now its time for some new villains to take center stage. Mr. President, your photo op awaits you.