It’s Extra Terrestrial week at DP dot Com.
Archive for the ‘Sports are Gay’ Category
SEPARATED AT BIRTH: ALIEN AUTOPSY
Friday, May 12th, 2006BOSTON YOUTH HAVE BALLS (NO B.B.)
Thursday, May 11th, 2006
Ask any lifelong Boston Red Sox fan what’s better than PW3ND’ng the Yankees and they will tell you that it’s when their kids get their own balls to play with.
Playing with your balls at the game is fun for the entire family, especially when two close friends share their balls while mom looks on laughingly.
The fun really kicks in when you hold a hot dog in one hand and a ball in the other. Good times
THE HUSTLER’s POSTERCHILD
Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
As much as PATRICK EWING was the superstar of the 90’s Knick teams, CHARLES OAKLEY and JOHN STARKS were the heart and soul.
JOHN was just a simple ‘Bama boy from Tulsa, Oklahoma. He wasn’t drafted by any NBA teams after his college career and he was languishing back in Tulsa bagging groceries as a supermarket clerk. But JOHN was a hustler in the true sense of the word and he had a dream of playing professional basketball. NBA scouts spotted JOHN during a stint in the Continental Basketball Association and he was signed by the Golden State Warriors. It was in 1990, when JOHN brought his played out flat-top haircut, his ‘Bama accent and his insurmountable well of energy to the New York Knicks that he took over this city. MICHAEL JORDAN ruled the NBA and he loved to PWNED! the Knicks PATRICK EWING. All the rest of the Knicks were cowed in deference to JORDAN except crazy JOHN STARKS.
People will always talk about that 7th game of the 1994 Finals where JOHN shot only 2 for 18 from the field. What most people don’t remember about that game was that the rest of the Knicks squad were the ones that choked up. OLAJUWON turned EWING into a church mouse with his dazzling efficiency in the paint. The way OTIS THORPE was grabbing boards made OAKLEY look like a tree, or better yet a bump on a log. The only Knick that had any heart left was the streaky STARKS. I ain’t mad at’cha JOHN. Plus, do you remember the STARKS headbutt on REGGIE MILLER?!? Classic shit homies.
Dig this YouTube retrospective on your boy STARKY LOVE.
Message To L-BREEZE: It’s The Shoes!
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
I suggest to L-BOOGIE that he should switch up the zapatos if he doesn’t want to get swept by the re-incarnated Bad Boys.
The ASSOCIATION Is FANtastic!
Monday, May 8th, 2006
I trust that most of you have been enjoying the 2006 NBA Playoffs. The biggest surprise to me was how well GILBERT ARENAS can fill up the hole(no TOM CRUISE). When he wasn’t taking it hard to the rim, he was popping it from deep(no JAKE GYLENHAAL). It was nice to see some new names and faces emerge on the scene. Even SHOWBEE BRYANT almost made me root for him. Keep in mind that STEVE NASH is an illegal immigrant from Canada who has overstayed his travel visa. Let’s see if INS kicks in his door. Mr.KAMOJI, I got your back if you come stateside player, but just remember that fish and visitors smell bad after three days.
I have enjoyed the games that I’ve watched, but with some of these contests creeping into the early mornings I have had to catch up with the results on the 6am SportsCenter. I suppose there isn’t much that you can do when a contest goes to O.T. out west. What frustrates me is that there are hell’a great players in the Western Conference that I can’t peep until if and when they make the Finals. To this extent I thought of changing the format for the playoffs. This can work with the NFL as well. Peep the technique…
Seed the teams that make the playoffs 1 through 16
Make a bracket similiar to the Final Four tourney where the team with the best record plays the team with the worst, the team with the second best record plays the second worst team, etc. By virtue of league record, then conference stats, and finally, the inter-divisional marks I have created the seeding for what should have been the first round.
1) Detroit vs. 16) Milwaukee
This went down anyhoo in the old format. We all knew that the Bucks stopped here.
2) San Antonio vs. 15) Chicago
Chicago is game and gritty plus I would have liked to see the NOCIONI / GINOBILLI matchup(no Italian paisan brokeback)
3) Dallas vs. 14) Indiana
Not too much to see here. Since Indy doesn’t have the guns or the legs they will be brought to their knees.
4) Phoenix vs. 13) Washington
Two teams that could give less than a fuck about playing defense. This would have been like vintage ABA basketball with each team scoring no less than 160 points per game. I call this matchup the Sega Classic. ARENAS averages 70ppg.
5) Miami vs. 12) Sacramento
SHAQ’s dominance over Sac-Town continues even after ARTISTE hits him in the head with an elbow.
6) Cleveland vs. 11) Denver
This is a treat for all the the PS2 geeks that are complaining that LeBREEZY catches too much shine over MELO. Too bad that Denver didn’t even stand a chance.
7) New Jersey vs. 10) Los Angeles Lakers
Get your TiVO’s setup for SHOWBEE and the Showstoppers against PRINCESS CARTER and the S.Dots. Would somebody please write a rap about this shit.
8) Memphis vs. 9) Los Angeles Clippers
I am on the PAUL GASOL beardwatch team. Captain Caaaaaaaaaaaveman!
The only way to get to see these games now is with an Xbox. This is the one instance where the NBA should let the high schoolers decide whats best for themselves. Otherwise the Association will continue to get trumped in the television ratings to NASCAR even on days when the races are rained out.
Please believe it!