Archive for March, 2006


Friday, March 31st, 2006

bird king

I wanted some explanation for all the hand signs that I had seen lately by crappers and miscellaneous ghetto celebrati (my word bitches). I was sure that it had to be some cult affiliation like the secret masonic hand gestures that are only mentioned in hushed whispers.

It turns out that there is this fringe sect of jig Scientologists that are running the Hollywood negroes. They call themselves the Per-DUU.

I call them birdbrains.

bird gang


Friday, March 31st, 2006

ms. p

We talked to you about our homegirl PIPER CARTER a few months ago. PIPER is a world class photographer and socialite from Detroit, Michigan. She has worked for many of the flyest magazines in the game. MASS APPEAL, TRACE, HONEY and a host of others have published her pictures. PIPER is the one responsible for the pictures of ‘Flavor of Love’ phenom HOOPZ that graced the pages of this month’s KING magazine. Go out and copp that jawn and support a member of the webcipher.

We here at the website know she is one to watch out for. You should too. PIPER was kind enough to grace us with an interview as she accepted the honor of being the inaugural DALLASPENN.COM ‘Shorty of the Month’.


WILLIAM H.: Hey Mz.P, what’s good?

PIPER: Chillin’

W.H.: So what’s been up with you? Is the work coming at you like gangbusters now since you caught that spread of HOOPZ in the new XXL mag?

P.C.: Nahh mane, but I am busy, not as busy as I would like to be, but I keep myself busy. When I don’t have too many paying clients projects on my plate I work on some of my ongoing pieces, like short films, photos, whatever I had put down for a minute. This way I keep developing my body of work, my portfolio.

W.H.: That way you keep the creative juices flowing…

P.C.: Yeah mane, you have to keep it flowing. If I only decided to work when someone paid me I would never get a paying gig because I wouldn’t be developing a style, my style. I keep grinding because I don’t think you will ever know when something that you were working on or play becomes something that you can do for pay. This way I will stay sharp and focused. If you want to do something in the creative industries it is good to have talent and it is good to have connections, but most of all it is good to have a serious work ethic.


W.H.: Yeah, that’s real talk. So how was the shoot with the ‘Flavor of Love’ star HOOPZ?

P.C.: Homegirl was cool as shit. She has a nice style and manner, real easy going. I hope she blows up.

W.H.: What would she blow up as? All reality shows chicks stay in that light, they don’t have any crossover appeal. She is cute as hell, but I don’t see how she can take herself to another level.

P.C.: I don’t believe that. If you let people tell you that you are only capable of one thing then you have only pidgeon-holed yourself, but if you have convictions and commitment to a goal then you can reach it. I’m rooting for her to win, plus she comes from my hometown. The ‘D’. Rest in peace, DILLA.

W.H.: Word, R.I.P. JAYDEE. So what goals have you set for yourself?

P.C.: Where do I begin… I am really just trying to get better at my craft. I would love to do some more magazine work. I love ‘W’ and ‘Visionaire’ is the bomb diggy. But I really want to keep improving my style to the point that I can have the recognition of an (RICHARD) AVEDON or a (DAVID) LaCHAPPELLE. I want to have that style that people say, “Oh that’s a CARTER image”.

p nasty

W.H.: You seem as comfortable in front of the lens as you are behind it. Have you done much modeling yourself?

P.C.: Does staring at yourself in the mirror count? If it does then I suppose I can say that I have modeled, but no, I don’t take that many photos of myself. Its kind of hard when you have the camera in your hand…

W.H.: No, I mean that your photogenic and the what not. That usually leads to someone wanting to be in front of a camera and not behind one.

P.C.: I never really considered that as a career choice, I mean hey, I ain’t shy, but all things considered I would prefer to direct rather than act.

W.H.: P, I know you have things to do and I feel like I held you hostage for a minute, but what could I tell my peeps about you in closing.

P.C.: Hey y’all, don’t stop grinding, whatever it is that you are passionate about. Keep pushing and the breakthough will come. You won’t even realize it and you will be on the other side of the mountain. Keep your head to the sky. Peace.

Visit PIPER at her website

rubber duckie


Friday, March 31st, 2006

bedtime for bonzo

Hope springs eternal perennially during baseball’s opening day. Every team can at least stake a claim to being undefeated for a few hours. In all honesty I already know who the contenders and the pretenders are. But I will still watch the games anyhoo

The World Baseball Championships only proved that the Mexican diaspora still contains the best beisbol players in the world overall with the Japanese a super close second. And why not? All the athletic jigs are playing basketball or in jail or they are in jail playing basketball and the priveleged jocks are playing lacrosse and raping strippers. I blame 3-6 MAFIA. Aren’t those the cats that just said to ‘Whoop That Trick?!?’

barry b

The story this baseball season will be BARRY BONDS. He is getting a taste of the MIKE TYSON media package. Thats where print media and talk radio both join forces to create the new boogeyman. O.J. got to be that man for a few years and KOBE BRYANT even had a taste. Nobody ever got it like MIKE TYSON did, no, I take that back. MUHAMMAD ALI was dragged through the dirt something serious, but ALI was able to get a good rebbe to change his storyline. I don’t see things for BARRY working out that well. He has all the charisma of a scuffed boot. I think I have even heard of him speak in the third person something like, “Why is it BARRY can’t get no love”.

I sure don’t love BARRY, but I can smell a rat fag sportswriter a mile away. The two humps that have crafted the million little needles story about BARRY’s steroid use fucked up biggtime when they said that BARRY is a bigot because his father BOBBY BONDS and his ‘uncle’ WILLIE MAYS drilled that into his head. I didn’t call these writers fags just because they’re San Francisco homosexuals, but because they have created a storyline that places the black eye of bigotry on two of baseball’s great statesmen. How dare these fags kick dirt on BOBBY BONDS when he is dead and he can’t defend himself. WILLIE MAYS lived and played baseball through the virulent racism of this country just as the major leagues was being integrated. There isn’t one teammate of his, of any ethnicity, of any race, that would have a cross word to say about him.

Whose legacy do these two homos think they are fucking with?!? Their names are MARK FAINARU-WADA and LANCE WILLIAMS and I only mention that in case they will be at a book signing in your area. I plan to attend at least one of these gatherings and take these faggots to task about their remarks against WILLIE MAYS and BOBBY BONDS. If these humps want BARRY BONDS to get smeared then they had better stick to that agenda, but when they try to shit on the ‘Say Hey Kid’ they are fucking with the wrong Negro.

Word is bond.

say hey

Movie Reviews by CLETUS

Thursday, March 30th, 2006

With the departure of key staffers here at the website we went looking for new young talent that would be willing to grind with us and grow with us, literally. Lucky for us the state legislature in South Dakota was looking to keep some of their residents stateside at least until they are old enough to be drafted into the military.

Our newest entertainment writer hails from the one horse town of Sioux Falls. We’re just happy to have someone to do reviews of movies and new CD’s without putting the site over budget. Give a warm DALLASPEN.COM welcome to our newest staffer, CLETUS…


Hey everybody, I’m just happy to still be here myself. When I heard that DALLASPENN.COM was for the kids I thought, “what the hell, why not”, I didn’t have to much else to do but hang out and occasionally kick my womb-carrier in her uterus. This will give me some ‘busy’ work in the meantime.

I just saw a couple of good movies too that I think you people might enjoy. One of them was a rehashing of the classic buddy films that you have all seen before. The other was more political and far more cerebral, especially for someone of my age(1st trimester) but if you have a fully developed brain it shouldn’t be a problem for you. I have decided to rank my reviews on a scale from zero up to three. With three being the best and worth your money. If I give the review a zero rating that means it was a total abortion, and none of us wants to spend our money on that.

Do you remember ’48 Hours’? Good, because I don’t. I’m a two month old fetus you jackass. Here’s my thinking though… 16 is only one-third of 48 right. The premise of this movie is that some wise-cracking, talkative convict has to be escorted around by a boozy, down and out police detective. Sounds familiar? Well, if you haven’t made the connection then you will enjoy this film. And it is a good movie too. BRUCE WILLIS is old reliable. My womb-holder watches his ‘Die Hard’ films on TNT all the time. He’s always playing a New York City cop too. MOS DEF is a better performer than the director allowed him to be. He was forced to adopt a voice that appeared to be channeling ANTONIO FARGAS classic HUGGY BEAR character.

huggy bear

It was an annoying nasaly snivel and it nearly ruined the movie for me. I was tempted to start a bowel movement in my womb carrier to get me out of the theater, but that is when the action picked up and from there it never stopped. RICHARD DONNER is one of the great Hollywood action movie producers in your generation. There were plenty of gunshots and explosions and even a hijacked bus. How good is RICHARD DONNER? He created a scene where a city bus moved through Chinatown New York City at 60mph. You can’t walk through Chinatown without tripping over some guy selling fake Gucci bags every five feet, but here is a bus moving faster than JEFF GORDON at Martinsville. Just for good measure there were some helicopters too.


The only detraction for this film was the voice that MOS DEF’s character used. Otherwise I give this film a two and half fetus rating. Go see it.

This movie is for all of you political optimists that think one day justice will prevail. Ha. You guys are saps, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have a movie to give you a reason to keep you from sticking your head in the oven. The guys that absconded the ‘Matrix’ trilogy have stolen the work of another writer. NATALIE PORTMAN stars in this post Orwellian fantasy. Can you imagine living in a country where people are controlled by color coded terror levels? Thank GOD we live in America. I can’t understand why the British are still so jealous of us. Their money is worth more. You would think that would keep them content, but no they always have to create these wordy parables about morality. I liked ‘Star Wars’ just as much as any fertilized egg has, but all of this foretelling of Draconian governments has to stop.

The good thing about living here in America is that we would never be senselessly cowed by a politician wearing a van dyke. Our leaders abstain from facial hair.


I gave V a full score for it’s yeomans effort to try to speak to us as though we weren’t part of a post-literate civilization.

Editor’s note: No actual fetuses were hurt in the creation of this post.

It’s A WHITE Thing… You Wouldn’t Understand

Thursday, March 30th, 2006

blackwhite cookies

I watched the FX networks surreality show ‘Black/white’ in the hopes that there would be some substance to this program. FX boasted during their campaign of hype that this program would forever change my precepts about race in America.

Just back in December scientists at Penn State discovered the DNA mutation that causes the lighter skin complection found on most Europeans and north Asian peoples. It turns out that it was only a single letter out of the over 3 billion letter code that is the human genome. The collegiate study means that there are far more similarities among people than we already knew.

In the end I see why the producers had to borrow ICE CUBE to move this show forward. The main characters are more like racial caricatures when they describe their stereotyped notions of society. The editors found every cliche soundbite that was ever said. No new ground was unearthed. No breakthrough. The flaw in this primetime television experiment is the notion that Blackness and whiteness are representative of skin color. Or the way that someone speaks. If I annunciate when I talk is that a renunciation of my Blackness? If I wear a dashiki does that affirm my Blackness?

It boggles my mind that this issue remains such a sore spot to so many people. Let me be clear now by saying that racism is VERY necessary to maintain our American way of life. Racism keeps the lights on in this land and without it this whole thing called living that we occasionally enjoy would become quite a hell. Can you imagine for two seconds if there were no privilege to being white?

Can you imagine telling those folks that their neighborhoods would have to be used for the trafficking of narcotics? What about other vices like prostitution? How crazy would that be if you had to drive into the ‘white’ neighborhood to find a liquor store open on Sunday? As long as white folks comprise the majority of people here in America we need to keep racism and privilege in place. You don’t want a whole bunch of German-descended folks carrying their pitchforks and burning stakes through your neighborhood because all of a sudden they have to ride on the back of the bus.

You do remember TIMOTHY McVEIGH don’t you? Disaffected arabs target the financial institutions and buildings that support the military industrial complex like the Pentagon. Pissed off Americans blow up day care centers filled with other white kids. That is some hell’a way to get out of paying your child support obligations.

As a matter of fact you should hug the next white that you see, or at least hold the door for them. When the day comes that they realize that the levees are broken that is going to be one helluva flood.