On Sunday I kicked off my most earnest diet program to date. I am eating nothing but fruits(no homo) and vegetables and I am not drinking alcohol or sugar-flavored beverages. I will also be sniffing an eight ball of cocaine every four days and smoking a pack of red box Marlboro cigarettes at least once a day. I took a cue from the famous low-carb SCARSDALE DIET and I named my program after the neighborhood where the idea popped into my head. I call my program the BILLS’BURG DIET because it reminds me of how I think all these artist types in Williamsburg manage to remain so slim. It would be unrealistic to expect me to shed all the weight I want to by the time Summerstage rolls around but I hope to have my face drawn in considerably which would give me a slimming look. Wish me luck.
Archive for May, 2005
MICHAEL JACKSON’s trial is entering it’s seventh year and it is becoming more obvious to me this dude has issues worse than his love for sniffing little boys’ pissy underoos. I was watching VH-1 with my ladyfriend and we saw his video for that crappy song ‘You Are Not Alone’. His pasty completion and his bony frame reminded me of when E.T. was sick and almost died but then the little boy that he slept with rescued him and his coloration came back and his index finger lit up. If MICHEAL JACKSON’s index finger could just get some little boy poop on it I bet M.J.’s color would come back too.
From now on you all you beeyatches must refer to me as PHANTOM WARRIOR when you see me in the streets. I went to this website to look up my WU-TANG name.
Burn a candle for my brother RUSSELL JONES. This is the tenth anniversary of the release of his classic and seminal Hip-Hop album, RETURN TO THE 36 CHAMBERS: THE DIRTY VERSION. The album was as innovative as it was entertaining. O.D.B. clearly understood that the first instrument that was available to humans was their voice. He twists rhymes with invectives and expletives and just some plain ol’ nigga madness.
You have all heard the tales of nigga madness like when DIRTY went to pick up a welfare check in a limousine, bu my favorite O.D.B. story goes back to February 1998, after DIRTY witnessed a car accident from the window of his Brooklyn recording studio, he and a friend ran to the accident scene and organized about a dozen onlookers who assisted in lifting the 1996 Ford Mustang — rescuing a 4-year-old girl from the wreckage. She was taken to a hospital with second and third degree burns. DIRTY, using a false name, visited the girl in the hospital frequently until he was spotted by members of the media.
The following night at the Grammy Awards, O.D.B. rushed onstage unexpectedly during Shawn Colvin’s acceptance speech for “Song of the Year” and began complaining that he had recently purchased expensive clothes in anticipation of winning the “Best Rap Album” award that he lost to PUFF DIDDY. But before being escorted off-stage, he implored the audience, “I don’t know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children.”
And just like me, O.D.B. liked it raw.