Archive for January, 2005

When its cold outside, my Persian Kitty keeps me warm

Monday, January 24th, 2005

After breaking my back to shovel my parents sidewalks and driveway I am back inside my warm apartment. The local college radio station is playing music that relates to the weather outside. I am now listening to the classic song by ELLA FITZGERALD and the great LOUIS ARMSTRONG.

I really can’t stay
(but, baby, it’s cold outside).
I’ve got to go ‘way
(but, baby, it’s cold outside).
This evening has been
(Been hoping that you’d drop in)
so very nice
(I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice).
My mother will start to worry
(beautiful words you’re humming),
and father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar).
So really I’d better scurry
(beautiful, please don’t hurry)
well, maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while I pour).
The neighbors might think
(but, baby, it’s bad out there)
say, what’s in this drink?
(no cabs to be had out there).

LOUIS had the right idea by lacing ELLA’s drink. Without question, this is the type of weather that you need to have a husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend / lover / jumpoff to share some hot cocoa with, spiked with a little BAILEY’s or DiSARONNO in it and then snuggle under the covers. I have a Ralph Lauren California king-size down comforter but here I am all alone. Just like last year, and the year before, and the year before that, and… well, you get the point. So I guess I will keep the blizzard tradition going by getting out the PALMER’s Cocoa Butter and watching some free porn. PERSIAN KITTY.COM is the best thing since sliced bread. Thousands of links to porn sites worldwide. Whatever smut floats your boat is on PERSIAN KITTY. S&M, bondage, kinky fetishes, beastiality, scat videos(from Germany, of course). The best part is that the site is totally FREE! I am sure that this is the FREEDOM that G.W. Bush was referring to during his inaugural speech. GOD BLESS AMERICA!


Sunday, January 23rd, 2005

Let me just say this to you all right now, it is a wrizzzzzzap for MICHAEL JACKSON. They have been scheming on his BEATLES catalog for a
minute and now is their chance to break that fool down to the ground.
He lost the ELVIS catalog in the divorce deal with Elvis’ daughter,
LISA-MARIE. I wish MIKE had never paid that kid off so many years
ago. He should have fought that charge tooth and bleached nail until
the end. Everyone is pointing out that the jury has no Black people
sitting on it. And why should it? Would it make a difference? Am I
the only Black person willing to admit that MICHAEL JACKSON is no
longer Black?!? I am not even referring to his physical appearance,
but his lifestyle. He is far too comfortable in Europe and he has way
too many pets.

Now regarding his physical appearance…
My homie sent me the link for the medicine that she and MIKE both used to renounce their Blackness. She said that they took the pills together like JOSE CANSECO and MARK McGUIRE took steroids… allegedly.

and if you are going to get your skin fixed you might as well work on
your wig too!


Friday, January 21st, 2005

Denzizzle and wifey
All I’m sayin’ is that my HollyHood connects tell the mean story of how my man 50 grand, DENZEL had that chick SANAA LATHAN straight twisted. There was some crazy freaky rap music threesomes that popped off while they were shooting the flick ‘OUT OF TIME’. DUDE put it on her so bad that one night she wiled out and drove up to his crib in The Hills at three in the morning and was ringing his doorbell.

D-PLAYA’s wifey told him that he better handle his biz and get that “young, out of pocket ho in check”. DENZIZZLE had to go downstairs and answer the door to tell SANAA that wifey wears the ring and the what not so don’t be rollin’ up on HER crib at no three in the morning ‘cuz she might get flat-blasted next time.

The funny shit was that D-MONEY told shorty SANAA that she was just his ‘side order’ and that she should have stayed with OMAR EPPS or LARENZ TATE or ICE CUBE or whoever it was she was messin’ with.

SANAA got bounced from the HollyWood game for a minute ‘cuz of that episode, but she was doing her thing on Broadway in the ‘Raisin in the Sun’ play. I’m sure that most of you saw it. The advertisements I mean.

The final verdict was that not only was DENZEL’s stick game tight but he also got the official futuristic finger pop technique. You be the judge.
watch out lil' mama

M.L.K. Day = Get Ur Freak On!

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Hands down, the sexiest weekend of the year is the Martin Luther King Jr. weekend. I know what your thinking… WEEKEND?!? But yes, weekend! Once Arizona accepted the federal holiday we Black people officially exhaled and decided to take the whole weekend off. From friday until monday evening Black folks will honor the M.L.K. legacy by doing some of the things that have made Martin Luther King Jr. a legend and a hero in the global community. We will be having sex. Hot, freaky, extra-marital, inter-racial sex. Because of O.J. Simpson’s crazy ass, M.L.K. weekend is the only window of oppurtunity I get now to have sex with white women.

The best thing about M.L.K. weekend is that Black women willingly let their men ‘step out’. I never truly understood the reason. I thought that was done as a representation of the humble and long suffering Mrs. Coretta Scott King, but I soon found out that sisters weren’t being as angelic as Mrs. King. Sisters were stepping out too. Onetime I got my swerve on with my buddy’s sister, and I knew her boyfriend too. Because of my close friendship with her brother it was an almost incestuous annual relationship. We really enjoyed each other but we knew it couldn’t last and that it would only hurt the feelings of those we cared about. We did share each other’s company for two years straight at the LIBERTY INN MOTEL on West 14th Street(hourly rates players). One night was after the legendary sunday night party at CLUB N.V. and the following year was the nightcap after the sunday soiree at LOTUS.

One important thing to remember is that you do not want to pick up any phone numbers. M.L.K. weekend is for straight up jumpoffs. If it doesn’t pop off by monday nite, forget about it. The brothers will be back in church by tuesday nite for the Hattie Suggs missionary committee meeting and the sisters will be attending the organizational meeting for the Women’s Day committee. Oh well, players there’s always next year. As always the official credo of liars and cheaters is also in effect, so whatever happens during M.L.K. weekend stays in M.L.K. weekend.

The Adventures of SUPERHEAD

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

A beautiful young sister named Karinne Steffans has the music industry on notice. Ms.Steffans is known quite affectionately in certain rap music circles as the video vixen ‘SUPERHEAD’. She secured her nickname after sexual liasons with nearly every rapper that has released a music video in the last five years. Ms.Steffans prolific talents are so prodigious that she reportedly had given METHOD MAN second thoughts about remaining a married man.

Unlike most respectful prostitutes, Ms.Steffans has a penchant for ‘kissing’ and telling. She currently claims to be the paramour of my favorite R&B artist. Dear USHER, please say it ain’t so?!?

What disturbs me even more than Ms.Steffans loose lips(pun intended) is her belief that she has been placed in her position(s) by divine order. SUPERHEAD believes no less than that she is a prophet!!!???!!! GOD has placed her here on Earth to have sex with as many people as possible and then to go on and write movies and books detailing these experiences while touring the college and university circuit hyping these pornography products. Okay, okay, that was a little simplistic of me, but if you click the link to ‘ol girl’s website and you read some of the dialogue in the Q & A section I think you will feel the same way that I do. THE END IS NEAR! and I don’t mean rear end either.