Archive for August, 2005
AND NOW… A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR…
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005V.M.A. Rhymes With Really Gay
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
It’s not easy to be funny right now when half of the website staff is still in Miami because of all the flight delays from Hurricane Starrkeysha. I hope that none of the subscribers from Biloxi, Mississippi are homeless right now. Holler at BILLY SUNDAY if you are from Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, Georgia or Tennessee. E-mail me with pictures of the desperation and the carnage and I will try to get you on the website staff as a reporter.
Its too bad that the hurricane couldn’t have done some good for the world by blowing thru Miami last nite and sweeping the entire VIACOM MTV VMA production out to sea. Yeah, I know we would have lost some staffers at the website, but think of what kind of world we could raise our kids in without the vapid and shallow personalities that filled that auditorium.
We would eventually miss KANGAY and R.KELLY doing their smash duet ‘Coming Out of the Closet’ but that’s a small price to pay considering the fact that we would no longer have to see new cellphone commercials from YOUNG JEEZY, LIL’ WEEZIE, BOW WIZZLE or SNOOP DOUBLE GIZZLE.
Is it just me or have the T.I.’s used the DNA from SAMMY DAVIS Jr. to create an army of minstrel clones? There was so much noise and sound and fury and the only thing that was signified was a dancing monkey. Watching PUFFY’s old azz dance and shuffle was fun in retrospect to watching UNCLE LUKE bounce and then seeing M.C. HAMMER slide and then… who the fuck is this TOMMY the CLOWN?!?
This is definetly some plan of the T.I.’s. I don’t know what it is just yet, but I am going to get to the bottom of this (extra JOHN LEGEND is KANGAY’s kept man no-homo).
Now that VIACOM has reduced Hip-Hop vis-a-vie rap music to colorful homo clowning it is time to go back to the rebel roots of soul music. I have been ready to get back here. Y’all should come along too.
Nahhh, y’all jiggs are prah’lee practicing your krumping.
The BeYONCE Factor featuring MARIAH CAREY
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
I think we finally have found some competition for Mz.BeYONCE.
Surprisingly, MARIAH CAREY has sold more records than anyone ever in the history of the world and she is crazy as all fuck. Take it from us. She dated BILLY SUNDAY during his homeless, wheelchair years. He helped her get right after that split with the Godfather, but then she got ‘Glitter’ in her eyes and she left him for DEREK JETER. Being the class act that he is, BILLY SUNDAY only has warm words when describing his time with MARIAH.
BLU CHEEZ however is a hater. BLU CHEEZ has watched the tragic mulatto chanteuse transform herself from a lithe A-cup siren into a bawdy D-cup soft core caterwauler. BILLY SUNDAY must still be in love because he thinks MARIAH can match Mz.Be point for point. BLU CHEEZ says that BeYONCE is the top of the world. I will put my money on the bear. Let’s see how it breaks down…
MARIAH CAREY
1) Can you say her name – 100 (more jiggs name their babies MARIAH)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (MARIAH is 43 years old so of course she has more hits than BeYONCE)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 (BILLY SUNDAY’s ex, TOMMY MOTTOLA’s ex, DIDDY’s ex, O.D.B.’s ex-girlfriend)
4) Does she have a soldier – 100 (more downloads on U.S. Army computers than JENNA JAMESON)
5) Cater to you – 100 (Honey)
6) Dangerously in love – 100 (O.D.B.’s ex – see above)
7) Bootylicious – 100 (all we need to say is one thing – the ‘Loverboy’ video)
MARIAH CAREY’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 700 points = a tie score with BeYONCE KNOWLES!!!
***UPN NEWS ALERT***
Russian Olympic judge recalibrating MARIAH’s totals removes 100 points from factor #7 because he explains that MARIAH’s “Bootyliciousness” is actually the product of years of surgery and the installation of silicone.
MARIAH CAREY’s revised BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 600 points
HA! BeYONCE KNOWLES is still the queen of this shit!
A LETTER FROM THE MANAGEMENT
Monday, August 29th, 2005
Finally!
We couldn’t continue to massage and coddle the site any longer. It was time to come out and meet the world. Time for me to stop confiding my darkest secrets to a talking stuffed animal celebrity hating photograher named BLU CHEEZ. Time for me to leave my parents’ basement and get a girlfriend(preferably a white woman).
High time for BILLY SUNDAY to stop sleeping on the streets, to get a job and start bathing regularly.
I don’t know if we all can make a difference in the way that you view the world, but we are sure gonna shoot the shot. I thank all of you that have made it this far with us and I promise on behalf of BLU CHEEZ, WILLIAM H. SUNDAY and the entire crew that we won’t stop giving you the passionate real talk that you have come to expect from us.
I am sure that you won’t like everything that you read, but you have the choice to holler back and put your voice and your language on the site. Real talk is the key to love and life so don’t be skerred to have your voice heard.
I would like to take a second to shout out a few of the folks that helped me go ‘live’ this weekend. JAQUI HERNANDEZ, APPLE HALSEY, CURLY SUE, EXTRA P, TAHERO, PEDRO MARTINEZ(N.Y. METS), DIDDY, N.A.S.A.(for naming the hurricane after a sister – KATRINA), BeYONCE, JAY-Z, FLAVA FLAV, BOBBY BROWN and last but not least, IDI AMIN.
Well family, here goes nothing… actually, here goes everything.
-the ‘Dallas’ (I owns this shit. Biatch!)
ROC, PAPER, SYZZZURP
Friday, August 26th, 2005
By now you all must have heard of DAME DASH’s physical and public ouster from the ROC-A-WEAR clothing company’s offices in Midtown Manhattan. It may have seemed peculiar to folks who thought like I did that he was an owner of the brand. Why give up ownership of a profitable and lucrative business even if you and the other partners can’t see eye to eye? Well it turns out that neither DAME DASH, BIGGS or JAY-Z were owners of the clothing line, but only paid representives. Biggup to ace entertainment consultant JOJO McQUEEN from the website for diggin’ thru the trash to find out who really owns ROC-A-WEAR clothing.
And for that matter, who really owns the ARMADALE vodka brand.
Now I know what your thinking to yourself, “Doesn’t DAME DASH get paid regardless? Does it matter who actually owns these companies? ” The answer to both questions is a simple yes. DAME DASH does get paid with a salary like any employee would. I will assume that he was also given holidays off so that he could possibly put on another company’s tee shirts without logos plastered all over his 45 year old frame. But when it was showtime, he was instructed to wear a ROC-A-WEAR sweatsuit, a ROC-A-WEAR cap (tilted to side – jigstyle) and to carry two (2) bottles of ARMADALE vodka wherever he went. One would hope that he was paid handsomely for all of that, but at some point you have to realize that you are just a tool. As opposed to the hand that wields the tool.
JAY-Z seems to have been schooled by some of the best in the business because he deftly maneuvers thru shark filled water without being a shark himself. He makes selective appearances that are almost like product placements and then he moves on. The one thing that he is the most exceptional with is creating rhymes. Many of his rhymes describe an opulent lifestyle achieved thru the consumption of items that more than often depreciate in value. This isn’t the path to building wealth, nor is it the path to achieving true ownership. As an owner you have the option to pay others to be your cheerleaders, your foot soldiers, your billboards, your slaves. As an owner you will decide the direction of your company and ultimately, its destiny.
But now that DAME DASH’s partnership with JAY-Z has dissolved and the ROC-A-FELLA music label has been reconfigured, we are finding out more and more information as to how large corporations market and manipulate Hip-Hop icons. The amount of paper that these icons generate moves so far beyond simple record sales that it almost pales in comparison when you consider all the other goods that these crappers peddle. From sody pop to cellphones, from cognac to Cadillacs, modern day crappers would sell their mother if a company would pay them to. I used to like SNOOP DOGG a lot when I thought that I knew him. Remember the classic title track to the movie ‘Deep Cover’? Right now SNOOP is the pitchman for so many different products I can’t imagine that he even raps anymore. The end result is that his identify is lost to me in the subterfuge of advertisements.
Getting back to the main topic I see that I should have used more logic in my perception of modern day crappers. Isn’t it is hard enough to count out bars of lyrics to make them fit within a four minute window without having to worry about IPO’s and manifest invoices? Like I have said to y’all before, there are NO rappers worth listening to that were good at anything other than crapping. Let the businessmen run the businesses. Let the crappers crap.
As in interesting sidebar to all this ownership talk I want you to try to do the knowledge with this scenario. DAME DASH, BIGGS and JAY-Z form ROC-A-FELLA Records. They sell the label in its entirety to DEF JAM, which is owned by ISLAND Music Group. The parent of ISLAND is the mega corporation UNIVERSAL Entertainment(NBC, movies, everything) but they are distributed by SONY Corp. We all know that distribution is 90 percent of the entertainment game. SONY stands for STANDARD OIL of NEW YORK and is a company founded by the real ROCKEFELLER family.
I just think that its an interesting chain to see that the ROCKEFELLERs really do own ROC-A-FELLA.