Archive for July, 2005

The BeYONCE Factor featuring ASHANTI

Saturday, July 30th, 2005

ASHANTI has a sister named AREOLA
So now Mrs.ASHANTI has supposedly gone and let her youthful indiscretions slip out into the public sphere. And just when she was nipping away at BeYONCE’s stiletto heels too. You don’t think this could be a conspiracy by the folks in BeYONCE’s camp to smash her nearest competitor? Open the link and decide for yourself, but not if you are at work.

Let’s all agree that BeYONCE is the gold standard for jig women of our generation. She is our DIANA ROSS, and just like Mrs.ROSS, Ms.KNOWLES is a boss. Trust me that she wears the corduroy pants in whatever house she is in. I don’t believe a word that JAY-Z spits because I know for a fact that he is a faker, but I have to admit that he is dead right when he says that BeYONCE is the baddest chick in the game. With this now established, BLU CHEEZ will do a feature on the website from time to time called the BeYONCE FACTOR.

Jig celebs will be rated on a scale for how close their game comes to that of the pinnacle of all jiggaboo goddesses – BeYONCE. The page that hosts the BeYONCE FACTOR will be set up where weblog cipher members can assign points to jig celebs based on their ability to achieve BeYONCELICOUSNESS(we’re still working this out).

Let’s try a dry run…
1) Can you say her name – 50 (names with ‘eesha’ or ‘awna’ sounds rate highest)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (OPRAH could give GOD a loan until payday)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 (the real talk question – is STEDMAN still alive?)
4) baby boy – 50(OPRAH may have had an aobortion back in the day)
5) cater to you – 100 (OPRAH be giving people cars and shit)
6) dangerously in love – 0 (loving GAYLE KING doesn’t count, or should it?)
7) bootylicious – 75 (OPRAH does have a fatty koo now that she slimmed down)

OPRAH WINFREY’s BeYONCE FACTOR total – 425 points

That was easy and fun. Now let’s do ASHANTI…

1) Can you say her name – 100 (more jigg babies are being named after ASHANTI)
2) Can she pay her bills – 20 (all Murda Inc funds going to IRV GOTTI’s legal team)
3) Is she a survivor – 10 (Glen Cove, L.I. not exactly the ‘hood)
4) baby boy – 0 (no abortion rumors yet for ASHANTI)
5) cater to you – 0 (ASHANTI needs better p.r. team)
6) dangerously in love – 20 (NELLY can’t get his girlfriend’s album platinum)
7) bootylicious – 100 (definite applebottom status)

ASHANTI’s BeYONCE FACTOR total – 250 points

Oh well, it seems that Ms.ASHANTI was further away from BeYONCE than I
originally thought. No wonder she is getting into porn now. What a crazy world we live in where the prostitutes and p0rn actors are writing books and the singers and rappers are becoming porn stars and prostitutes.

Shut Down the BLACK CODE!

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

Giorgio Armani is teh ghey!
At some point we have to take control of our own destiny and stop being perpetual victims. One of the reasons that people are able to exploit us is because we have little respect for our history. Maybe that is a residual effect of chattel slavery. Maybe it is a function of being the uber-capitalists that we people of color are. Whatever the reason(s) for our plight are, at some point we have to stop blaming miscellaneous white folks. For the most part, white folks are like mice running on the wheel the same as we are. If they don’t pay
their taxes, their asses will get kicked too. If they get so crazy hopped up on GHB while hanging out on a Caribbean island they can become shark meat too.

The first thing that we need to do in our campaign against injustice is for us to read up a bit on our history. This link from Wikipedia is dope because it is hell’a thorough and fascinating. After you read the entry for BLACK CODES I think that you will be as upset as I was the day that I saw the advertisement for this men’s product. To add to my consternation, the ad was placed in the June Father’s Day issue of ESSENCE magazine no less.

Giorgio Armani is going to have to remove this product from all the distributors. Its either that or we boycott EVERYTHING with the Giorgio Armani name. Not just the perfumes that our mothers adore like AQUA Di GIO, but we pull our money away from the metrosexual apparel line ARMANI EXCHANGE. We will no longer allow Giorgio Armani to represent the highest level of fashion design if Giorgio Armani cannot recognize that his products are not exempt from social responsibility.

Can you imagine the fallout that the Armani empire would experience if they named a fragrance ‘Holocaust’, or ‘The Killing Fields’. BLACK CODE is no different. It describes a time in American history when your existence was filled with trepidation and fear if you were of African ancestry. It describes a time when the government openly promoted the disenfranchisement of humans based on one of the most abstract concepts… a person’s skin color.

What would be required for you to take action? Would you be motivated to speak out when Calvin Klein decided to name a new cologne “NIGGER RICH”?!? I am stepping off my soapbox now, but I will leave you with a few e-mail addresses for you to write to. Ask these people why they sell a product that evokes racism and injustice. Let them know how you feel about the BLACK CODE.


Monday, July 25th, 2005

I wasted two hours of my life watching this movie over the weekend. I want to tell you good people not to waste your money or your time, but I did that already regarding the SUPERHEAD book and all you people rushed out to buy it. The movie is just a perpetuation of mass media’s marketing of an authentic ‘Black’ lifestyle. The mythic notion that the pimp-drugpusher-criminal paradigm is easily commutable into a rapper is as false as it is destructive. There are NO rappers that were former drugpushers. There are NO rappers that were former gunrunners. O.K., let me revise that statement. There are NO good rappers that were former hardcore criminals. The thought process of counting bars and rehearsing cadences and breathing techniques doesn’t translate into robbing banks to raise recording studio fees.

Believe what you want people, but the numbers don’t lie. A kid flipping burgers at a fast food joint has a better chance a being a rapper than a drug dealer. Street level drug dealers makes far less money than your average grillboy at Burger King when you consider the hours of workshift, associated fees(lawyers, bailbonds, NIKE Air Jordans) and mortality rate. Its no wonder that so many drug dealers still live with their mamas.

If there is one positive thing that I can say about this crappy film its that my cousin, TERRENCE HOWARD is bringing lightskin brothers back to the fore. We had been banished for years since the emergence of MICHAEL JORDAN, DENZEL and WESLEY(and the fact that AL B. SURE and PRINCE were a bit too… ), but now we can walk tall again without having to shave off all of our facial hair.

Here’s a short list of five movies that you could see with a date that would be a better experience than the contrived negro nonsense that is HUSTLE & FLOW…

1) Mad Hot Ballroom
2) Murder Ball
3) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
4) Mr. & Mrs. Smith
5) Wedding Crashers


Tuesday, July 19th, 2005

I always wondered why hurricanes never get a name that is more evocative of the places that they destroy. Since Latin speaking Caribbean countries are almost always getting their azzes handed to them, how come they never name a hurricane after some tough azz Dominican broad. Can you imagine the swell of Dominican pride when a hurricane named Marylis or Yesenia blows thru the island and kills hundreds of children? And while we are thinking of better names for tropical storms why don’t we give a shout out to the babies mommas? Like Hurricane Starrkeysha…

I read one of my old 3-2-1-Contact magazines and it told me that NASA decides what names to assign tropical storms based on rotating lists. Damn, why does the ‘man’ have to regulate everything?

The QUEEN BEE Saga pt.3

Monday, July 11th, 2005

mama's got a gun!
I was listening to the STAR & BUC WILD show when I heard the classic MARY J. BLIGE song, ‘I Can Love You’. Do you remember LIL’ KIM’s lyrics, because they are pretty hardcore and emotional. I just listened by accident to her verse that went, “Under pressure, I lie for ya, die for ya, prove it by the sty here, right in my eye here”.

After that I got a little emotional myself. I have poked fun at QUEEN BEE’s excessive rhinoplasty and I have even alluded to possible intravenous narcotic use because her hands were ridiculously puffy and swollen. I realize now that I owe LIL’ KIM my sincerest apologies because she actually ‘kept it real’. She perjured herself to help her boyfriend and now she is about to put on the same jumpsuit that Martha Stewart wore. I doubt that it will be designed by Versace. As a small tribute to the QUEEN BEE I have attached the link for her lyrics
to the remix of ‘B.I.G. Momma Thang‘. Ladies, please study the first two bars.