Archive for October, 2005


Monday, October 31st, 2005

queen bee post nip/tuck

THE INTERN is grinding his azz off (no homo JUELZ SANTANA) for the website this week and he asked me if we would consider using his personal letters to LIL’ KIM as a feature on the site. You know that I said “Hell to the Yeah!” considering the fact the THE INTERN came of age while listening to KIM’s debut album ‘HardCore’. THE INTERN represents the majority of KIM’s fans because he is a white male in his mid-twenties. THE INTERN can quote almost every LIL’ KIM lyric including the rhymes from tracks that she ‘guested’ on. Dude is nice f’real and he feels KIM’s ‘No Snitching Allowed’ steez f’real.

Let’s take a a peek at homeboy’s letter to KIM…

Kimberly Jones 56198-054
FDC Philadelphia – Federal Detention Center
P.O. BOX 562
Philadelphia, PA 19106

Dear Ms. Jones,

I am probably one out of a billion fans that is writing to you during this time so I don’t really expect for you to reply, but I do hope that you get to read my letter.

I have been a fan of your since my freshmen year at Stuyvesant High School in New York City. I liked you because you seemed to be more than just a rap star. Of all the people that came into the game you were like someone that wasn’t trying to be a character. Everybody used the phrase keep it real, but you actually felt real. Hell, you even smelled real.

I was totally sad when you were convicted of perjury. I wished that you hadn’t lied to the grand jury about those dudes in your clique. I wish that you had told the grand jury that “you can’t recall” or maybe plead the fifth amendment. It’s not fair that you were punished. Some people are arguing that by not cooperating with the grand jury you were only protecting criminals and that one of the problems of the Black people is that they protect criminals and they spend too much money and they don’t value education and they name their children ridonkulous names, but I don’t think that they protect criminals.

No snitching means that I don’t tell other peoples business. If I got busted with a few bottles of pifff on me I wouldn’t tell the po-po that I copped it from 148th and Bradhurst(the red door bodega), because that would be snitching. Even if someone were to kill my dog I wouldn’t go the police because that would be snitching. If someone were to hurt my mother I would go to the police but that doesn’t really count against the ‘no snitching’ rule because she pays the mortgage, cable and electricity bills so I wouldn’t be able to watch any internet porn without her, but now I digress from my point.

All I’m saying is that you are gully for real. Not fake gully like 50CENT is, because now everybody knows that he is the confidential informant in the Murda Inc federal trial. Not fake gully like all these rappers who get shot at but don’t shoot back. By the by, did you hear that your ‘girl’ FOXY was fresh to deaf. Ha!

I hope that when you come home you put the rap game in a smash for good. I still have your HardCore poster on my bedroom wall.

Stay up ma,
Ethan Nosowsky


Monday, October 31st, 2005

BILLY SUNDAY has been on my azz (extra BOUTROS BOUTROS BOUTROS GHALI no homo) to shed some pounds and I will admit that my girth is one of the factors that prah’lee leads to my depression.

So yesterday BILLY sends me a composite picture of myself and ex-80’s liteskin crooner and baby daddy to DIDDY’s wifey shorty/backside model KIM PORTER.

awww ish!
So all I need to do is get myself back to a respectable 250lbs. and then I can be the old nigga in the club buying all the young girls drinks.


Can I Get A Witness?!?

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

stacey adams... NOT

In the wake left by Hurricane Starrkeysha we will certainly see one thing: documentaries. This seems to be the nom de riguer response to any major news event. I suppose Michael Moore is to blame. I am sure that there will be some really insightful questions posited in some of these documentaries. I doubt that anyone will present the ultimate truth. And what is the ultimate truth?

Could it be that we(the United States of America) are simply a third world nation that is in denial? What if our response in Louisiana was actually the best that we could do? What if the level of our technology and our resources gets no better than what we displayed?

In my heart of hearts I don’t want to believe what I just wrote, but there has been no feasible excuse proffered to explain the tragedies. It kills me to give KANYE WEST any extra credit but his statement “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” has been the only truth uttered so far.

ALICIA KEYS Has a BEARD! No, Seriously…

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

wookie luv

Months ago we clowned on ALICIA KEYS for taking her buddy, KERRY on a shopping/photo-op jaunt thru the Hamptons, or South Beach or wherever men go to wear open toe sandals. I made the remark that ALICIA had a beard who has a beard and everyone laughed but I don’t think that everyone knew what I was trying to say. The term ‘beard‘ is used whenever you see someone gay or lesbian on a date with the opposite sex. Award shows and charity events are the places that you will almost always find people with their beards.

My homegirl Fresh over at Crunk and Disorderly has scooped me once again with the above photo of ALICIA KEYS and her hairy azz chest. This means that I get to use my library of CHEWBACCA the WOOKIE photos for someone else other than ASHANTI DOUGLASS.

“You don’t know my name”

2005 NYC Mayoral Election:
BLOOMBERG’s Got The Scene on Smash

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

the mayor and a bnunch of coconuts

NYC’s incumbent Mayor Michael Bloomberg was never actually in a campaign race for his re-election. The only possible competiton might have been JESUS CHRIST, but then you know J.C. isn’t going to get the jewish vote anyhoo. This is New York people. What has been incredible for me to see is the broad coalition of support that Mayor Bloomberg has from all precincts of the city.

You just knew that Bloomberg would have the rich Greedy Landgrabbing Developer demographic on lock. Behind that group follows the just as rich, Residential Rental Property Owners. Not too many surprises either when you poll the wealthy Upper Eastside Manhattanites or the nouveau wealthy Battery Park Transplants. Even though their lifestyles don’t appear to espouse wealth, the Gentrifying Hipster contingent and the Brooklyn Bohomo factions are clearly pro-Bloomberg. To add to this already powerful voting bloc you have the longtime NYC residents from the Bensonhurst, Howard Beach and Whitestone communites.

All of that was pretty much expected since the Mayor has made sure that property values continue to escalate. However, there was one coalition that supported the Mayor that has me slightly amused. WEST INDIANS FOR MAYOR BLOOMBERG. These folks have been known to vote against their own parents, siblings and children. For Mayor Bloomberg to have these people behind him he must really have this election in a wrizzap.