Archive for the ‘Jig Lit Review’ Category

Never Believing The Hype…

Sunday, October 29th, 2006

biochemical slang

I think that one of the greatest things that you can do as a blogger is to put the theme of unity into the universal ethers. It moves around and finds itself with some of the most unlikely recipients. I say unlikely because these people that typically absorb the message weren’t even looking for it. They are music lovers that are drawn to the rhythms of horns, drums, melodies and the endless cacophony of sound. Suddenly they find themselves in a place where their love of music intersects with social politics. Music has the ability to break down barriers and concepts such as race and class because when you close your eyes and let your ears lead your path it somehows opens your heart as well.

Music is powerful like that and I wanted to give a shout to some of the blogs that I fucks with that respect the universal sonic movement of peace, love and unity through Hip-Hop…

BIOCHEMICAL SLANG – This is a site that I have trumpeted from it’s inception. It fuses passionate, pointed, political writing with archival YouTube videos and rare groove MP3 downloads. The image at the header of this post comes from this site as have some of my most memorable photos. The music inspires me to create and to continue the struggle. You should pay him a visit too, while the inspiration is still free.

UNKUT – UnKut is like the old nigga on the corner now that everyone has a Hip-Hop blog, but there’s a reason that UnKut remains on top. They are a resource for current Hip-Hop trends as well as the untold history of little known and oft forgotten producers of the genre. If there was a beat Wikipedia in the flesh it would have to be ROBBIE.

SINTALENTOS – From LOU REED to RAEKWON, this writer connects us with politics and social struggle through music. The writer also happens to be a deejay who throws kick azz house parties.

MOISTWORKS – Our INTERN is a music writer affiliated with this site. We basically share him during the week. We call him up whenever we need a Z of killer white boy ‘water’ a/k/a Hydro bitches.

PASSION OF THE WEISS – You have to fuck with a site that produces this quote… “Young Jeezy: Just Like Biggie Smalls Except Without Talent, Charisma or the Ability to Rap”

33 JONES – It’s written in the Geneva Convention that it’s illegal to torture someone by forcing them to review KEVIN FEDERLINE and The CLIPSE new CD’s. No worries though, 33 JONES will take the bullet. And the mullet.

SPLIFF HUXTABLE – This site just celebrated their first year on the internets and they are still murdering shit when it comes to dropping a funky instrumental. SH is in fact the inspiration behind BILLY SUNDAY’s latest mixtape project – Crap-struMentals. Check these dudes out ASAP.

Don’t Call It A Comeback…

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

clownie

cuz’ this niggas still crazy…

I had an embarrassing moment at my REAL job last week and it made me realize that I am spending too much time in the basement of my parent’s house sitting in my drawls typing on a computer. It was one of those instances that even the Prince of Bullshiite that I am widely regarded as could not circumnavigate around. My game had slipped on some public shit.

When I got home after going to the bar after work I immediately came to the computer for solace. The comments section at DALLASPENN dot com would be my salve. All the usual suspects were there and they were in rare form. These folks understand me and don’t judge me. They allow me to just exist as I want to, as the Black Peter Pan, without the tights. But I realized that this world here in cyberspace is virtual and not literal. I need money to pay for the cable service that provides my internets access. So I have to leave this virtual Utopia where I can talk truth to power and cuss supremacy to its’ face.

I can’t blame my writing and blogging on my lackluster performance at the REAL gig. I just have to step up my game. This means getting some sleep and spending less time on the internets. It doesn’t mean that I have to quit blogging, because that’s certainly not the answer when you find something that you love, but I have to spend less time on the web. I apologize to anyone who watched me walk out of the building in the middle of the discussion. That was rude and selfish. You good people aren’t the reason that I fail, if anything, you are my only success. I’m sorry that sometimes I get a little crazy…

GOOGLE Buys DALLASPENN.COM Feces for $300 Million

Sunday, October 22nd, 2006

talking shit

Now that I’ve quit blogging I decided to sell the website to internets behemoth Google. It was the only logical choice since none of you effs give a damn anyhoo. With the money I can reimburse my investors like ZILLZ, LM, RAFI and AMADEO. And then with the leftover change I am copping a pint of Ben & Jerry’s low-fat Cherry Garcia for CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE. At least she watches ‘Squidbillies’ with me, and we are also getting into this new NBC show called ‘Heroes’.

Back in June we discussed why Google was the premium model for neo-meta-traditional American consumerism. Combining their deep pockets and the vast informational resources of the DALLASPENN dot com archive I expect nothing less from Google than world domination. Just to expedite the Illuminati along we decided to download the entire site onto a microchip and embed it within the poop.

“Soylent Green is people.”

dp=dirty poo
dp=dirty poo

AND ALL I GOT FOR HIP-HOP WEEK WAS A LOUSY T-SHIRT…

Friday, October 20th, 2006

oh word

image courtesy of OH WORD!

The young P.R. flack at VH-1 that e-mails me all their business is a sweet little piece of white meat, but like most broads in the entertainment industry she is prah’lee only a star-fucker. Props go to the Glamazon for being that bitch on wheels in Hollywood and still such a fucking lady in the bedroom (not that I know personally, but I’ve heard…).

Anyhoo, I get a nice e-mail from homegirl at VH-1 thanking me for being active on the Hip-Hop Honors project. For me it was nothing since this was the one thing that Viacom produces that I believe in wholeheartedly. I wish it were semi-annual or even a series like ‘Driven’, or ‘Behind The Music’. The good news was that the show drew nearly 2 million viewers to a 9pm Tuesday slot. That is fucking incredible and I thank everyone that tuned in regardless of whether you heard it from me or somewhere else. Your participation will cause this program to be regenerated, plain and simple.

I’m sure a lot of you wonder how it is that people know the exact numbers of cable television program viewers? Understand that your cable box is directly attached to a server which creates a database of the programs that you’ve watched. This is no big deal anymore I suppose since we are already used to having our privacy invaded on so many levels. It’s all good as long as I get my MTV.

Here’s where my jaw hit the floor… Flavor of Love’s finale episode reeled in 7.5 million viewers. That is some Black Bullshit! I sit here in my parent’s basement and I rail on Viacom for creating this Step-n-Fetchit jiggaboo programming and you go and consume it right behind my back. Forget a Hip-Hop Honors program because the viewership for that is peanuts compared to the money that a network can make when they have a darkie put on some white gloves and a top hat.

What the hell am I doing over here?!? You people are obviously happy with your entertainment options. I thought that we were starting this neo-meta-progressive movement and that we were going to free ASSATA and free MUMIA and free NELSON MANDELA, but I see that you jokers only want to free O.J. and MICHAEL.

Have it your way, I quit…

power to the wee people

The Axis Of Evil: DP dot com Revised Edition

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

maulbush

Now that all of this Hip-Hop nonsense is over with we can get back to doing what we were born to do – help President BUSH get his approval rating back up to 50%. If you come to think of it, an approval rating of only 33% is just a 17 point swing. We can make that ground up in the three weeks remaining until mid-term elections. Nevermind the facts that more U.S. troops are dying in Iraq than ever before. Blame that on the Democrats that voted for the war. I also say forget all that nonsense inflation and No Child Left Behind talk, because the ‘Back-To-School’ shoppers proved that our education system has never looked better.

Now is the time that we need to rally around the President against some of the bad guys that the Administration will try to censure during their remaining time in office. Look at all the progress that the BUSH Administration has made so far. SADDAM HUSSEIN takes pictures in his underpants. YASSIR ARAFAT is so dead to us. GEOGE STEINBRENNER hasn’t fired a single manager. This is global progress hotdammit and y’all need to recognize that even though that bitch Katrina came through and kicked up some dust we are still like 5 out of 10 as far as getting the bad guys goes (if you allow us to count the DICK CHENEY hunting trip and the KENNETH LAY heart attack).

Listen, all I’m saying is that we have to reorganize our priorities and that means a slight re-configuration to the Axis of Evil. Once we nail these guys you will see the skies open up and the price of oil go back to $1.50 per gallon. You just watch…

kim KIM JONG IL
What the hell is this dude’s problem?!? The name of the nation’s capital is Poonyang. KIM JONG should get some poonyang and then he might not need to wear those Cazal frames all the time. Now I don’t believe in dealing with terrorists either, but I will lift the karaoke machine embargo on his nation this one time just so that he can learn the melody to the Tears For Fears song ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World

priest CATHOLIC PRIESTS
Evangelicals never have these problems. Catholic priests stay pissing people off seven ways ’til Sunday. Who is this priest that made MARK FOLEY into such a predatory beast, even after repeated warnings and confidential meetings?

ayatollah

True story, it’s not just Catholic priests that are problematic. Fundamentalism is about screwing up the minds of young boys and sending them off to war while we profit from their deaths. It doesn’t really matter who you claim to pray to when you placate your god with murder and death.

tony larussa TONY LaRUSSA
This guy wears so much red he has to be a gang banger or a communist, or maybe both.

borat BORAT
Speaking of communists… I don’t see what’s so funny about his rampant anti-Semitism. He’s the man keeping Kazahk culture in the middle ages.

roker AL ROKER
I’m totally convinced that underneath the ‘Fry That Chicken’ smile AL ROKER is really SYLAR the meta-bad guy from the new NBC drama series ‘Heroes’.

early

EARLY CUYLER
Confederate segregationist squid from the northern mountains of Georgia. EARLY hates everything especially work and the law. Watch EARLY and his son RUSTY find new ways to mangle the English language and escape prison every Sunday night at midnight on Adult Swim at the Cartoon Network.