Archive for the ‘Straight Laced’ Category

SONNY CHIBA IS THAT KARATE NIGGA!

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

street fighter

Watching the O.G. ‘Street Fighter’ flick starring SONNY CHIBA, blazed the eff out of my head since it wouldn’t be right to watch a CHIBA flick without being high off the cheeba. This shit is so fucking hardbody you wouldn’t believe your eyes. SONNY CHIBA is this wild eyed karate dude for hire that beats the shit out of everybody. Even the people he is paid to rescue.

The movie opens up with dude posing as a monk that is supposed to give a man his last rites. Instead he beats dude’s ass, and then tells him that he is going to put dude in a coma so that he can rescue him later. WTF? ‘Street Fighter’ is the ‘Super Fly’ of Yakuza flicks. The Yakuza is the Japanese mafia and they are way cooler than the Cosa Nostra ever was. The Yakuza all wear shades and dress in some of the meanest vines. Shoeboots are the minimum.

‘Street Fighter’ is a classic 1970’s exploitation flick from the treatment of the special effects to the all around poor acting. You shouldn’t be watching ‘Street Fighter’ for its acting or its storyline. You should be watching ‘Street Fighter’ to see SONNY CHIBA kill motherfuckers fifty different ways from Sunday. Watch it to see SONNY CHIBA make motherfuckers bleed from the head. Watch it to see SONNY CHIBA jam his fingers into people’s brains via their eye sockets. SONNY CHIBA even castrates a man with his bare hands [ll].

Tell me if you haven’t seen this shit before so I can mail you my DVD copy.

Yes, for free.

Curbing My Enthusiasm…

Tuesday, November 20th, 2007

curb

Exactly one year ago I begged you to boycott all SEINFELD related projects after the implosion of his latently racist co-star MICHAEL RICHARDS.

Now that the year is up I am ceasing my SEINFELD moratorium. This means that I can go see ‘Bee Movie’ with C.S. this weekend and resume watching what was television’s funniest show evar.

‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ is from the genius of the SEINFELD show’s co-creator LARRY DAVID. It is setup as a faux reality show following the travails of this man who left all the success of a hit television sitcom to settle into a normal life with his wife. LARRY DAVID’s life is anything but normal and week after week the show highlights the outrageous nueroses(sp) of the man the George Costanza character was derived from.

Guest stars portray themselves as LARRY DAVID’s real-life friends and oftentimes real-life nemeses as they try to contend with this insufferably selfish nebbish. No one could be as annoying as LARRY DAVID is and live to tell the story. Lucky for dude that he is so damn funny.

In one season of the show we watch as LARRY DAVID exhausts every single friendship and marker of goodwill he has in Hollywood while he and some other television stars try to open a restaurant. At every turn LARRY does something inadvertant to delay the grand opening of the eatery. Finally, LARRY chooses the chef to his liking, or more likely the only one in L.A. that will accomodate his constant kvetching.

The only problem however is the chef suffers from Turret’s Syndrome and is prone to profanity. With an open kitchen that is viewable and audible from all the restaurant’s patrons how will LARRY DAVID respond if and when his head chef explodes with expletives?



In another NSFW episode, LARRY DAVID does some ghostwriting for guest star WANDA SYKES new gangsta rapper boyfriend, Krayzee Eyes Killa.



Shout to iFux for the assist on this drop.

The War On Terror = 190 Pairs Of Nike Dunks

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007

dj khaled

Editor’s note: This drop comes from The Ambassador who normally gets her grind on at HipHop DX dot com (MekaSoul stand the fuck up!). Since we were discussing the outrageous integer of 1.6trillion I thought I would let her go in on what that number means to her. To be honest, after reading this I may never buy myself another pair of Nike Dunks. Awww, who are we kidding?!?

It should be no new information that I’m a broke as shit college student, so undoubtedly my perceptions about monetary amounts are a little bit skewed. $5 to me is like $50 most of the time. But I don’t particularly don’t give a 2-girls 1-cup* shit about how rich any of you e-thugs are (unless you want to donate to my college fund). $1.6 trillion is a lot of fucking money, and you can’t deny that, just like Lil Wayne can’t deny that he has a thing for dropping the soap (no hetero).

Gotta love the Democrats sometimes though. Yeah, they’re still some good for nothing, conspiracy theorist food for thought just like their Republican counterparts, but at least the Democrats don’t hesitate to call out the shenanigans of their blackgolddigging political opposites. Well, assuming that the Democrats aren’t lying, that is. Which wouldn’t be too unrealistic considering they are also politicians and well…aw, fuck it, just listen to a Dead Prez album on your own time. I got other shit to talk about.

The Democraps have gotten their hands on a report that compiles statistics and data taken from the Congressional Budget Office, which claims to be a nonpartisan organization (word?), that states that from 2002 to 2008, the war on terror (our wars vs. Afghanistan and Iraq, aka “Operation Fuel Hatred Towards South Asians That People Mistakenly Assume Are Middle Eastern Jihadists Because They’re Dark Skinned, Hairy, Stink of Body Odor and Cheap Cologne, and Speak With An Accent”**) will have cost our country approximately $1.6 trillion. “So what?” you say? “That’s our national debt, shit, I don’t have to pay that off myself, I’m still making that cake – I don’t give a fuck about the war!” Word to Monty Python: my friend, I fart in your general (ignorant) direction.

It has been calculated that given the $1.6 trillion figure, the average (four person) American family has paid upwards of $20,900 towards funding the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Maybe it’s just my broke ass, but almost twenty one thousand dollars is a whole fucking lot to me. Like the lil’ homey NaSir would say, “Let’s put it all in perspective…”

serena dunks

1 pair of NIKEiD.com customized Dunk lows = $110.
$20,900 divided by $110 = 190 pairs of Dunks (roughly DP’s collection).

Ayo! Not only does that say that Nike charges a whole hell of a lot for its sweatshop produced goods (we can discuss that another day), but that says that we, the American people, are getting internally kidney poked [ll] by our government. Now, mind you, not all of this amount is made up of direct war costs. Parts of it are speculated side effects of the war . Line items such as interest rates on the money we’ve borrowed for funding the war, thus smoking our national debt out with that sticky Ben Franklin green to the point that it’s at the $9 trillion dollar level. The historically highest ever. Somebody grab our debt a bag of Doritos, stat! We got some serious munchies on our hands. Alongside of that, potential health care costs for injured soldiers and the costs of the shit-tastic oil market are taken into account in this $1.6 trillion figure.

Most of you reading this just lost your 190 pairs of Dunks, or quite possibly a full year of your work earnings, to not finding Bin Laden or weapons of mass destruction. To losing many of our civilians’ innocent lives in the battle. To getting Al-Qaeda more pissed at us than ever. To funding wars that you may not have supported in the first place.

Thank Allah (no Abdul Raheem) that it’s almost the end of Bush’s term. Thank Allah that Dallas promised me a pair of Dunks if I consistently throw drops at DP Dot Com. I’ll only have 189 more pairs to go.

*You can find that one on your own. I will not be held responsible for you puking your lunch all over your keyboard. You have been warned.

** My sincere apologies go out to all of the Indian/Bangladeshis that have caught some post September 11th racist slack from ignorant YT’s that don’t know a Syrian from a Sri Lankan. All my 7-11 workers, taxi drivers, and restaurant owners – I still love you. I know you’re not terrorists.

ambassador The Ambassador says…
“Punks jump up to get beat down!”

Turd! It’s What’s For Dinner…

Saturday, November 10th, 2007

turd

When BILLY X. SUNDAY isn’t working at the XXL offices he’s giving medical advice at the Kings County Hospital Emergency Room. Today’s episode… How Do I Keep From Farting At The Dinner Table?

Intestinal gas isn’t funny to everyone. I personally love it. I remember eating tunafish for a week straight and by the end of the week my doot smelled exactly like a freshly opened can of tuna. My body surely didn’t need all the mercury that I prah’lee ingested from the tuna and after I took a tuna shit that was enough to keep me off canned fish products for a little while. What really impressed me was how my body could no longer process the fish properly.

The human body is an engineering marvel and it needs to be fueled properly like any machine. And just like any machine there will be by-products from a properly operating bio-mechanism. Intestinal gas, also known as fottz are that by-product. The human digestive system produces intestinal gases as it break down the different foods that we eat. Most people, except for Hindudes, usually find it embarrassing to expel intestinal gases in social settings. So what should you consume so as not to be so assy, er, gassy?

Intestinal gas is typically about 99% odorless since it is made up of all the natural gases we find in the environment like oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide and even some methane. The remaining one percent is the bacteria which ferments inside of the intestines from undigested foods. The bacteria is what we smell when we do smell something. The real question you want to ask is how does one reduce one’s intestinal bacteria so that one might be able to expel intestinal gas unnoticeably? That’s what you were thinking right?

  • Crank ‘Dat Lactose
    Dairy products that contain lactose are typically difficult for people of color to digest since our bodies don’t produce high amounts of the digestive enzyme lactase, which splits lactose into smaller parts. Cheese and ice cream are the big culprits. Hence the phrase “cutting the cheese”.
  • Fruck You Fructose
    High fructose corn syrup is a mega popular sweetener, but it is difficult to digest by the body just like corn is. HFCS is so ubiquitous in food products you will have to start paying attention to ingredients and product labels, but if it’s less stanky flatulence that you want maybe it’s time to switch your pitch over to the diet soft drinks.
  • RAFI knows? Say word?
    The natural sugar found in beans, broccoli, cabbage, asparagus and brussell sprouts is called raffinose. No relation to RAFI KAM although I’m pretty sure his passion for Mexican food has melded raffinose into his DNA, and surely his intestines[ll]. Some people take Beano to shut down the gas production from raffinose filled foods.
  • In my medical opinion we should no longer be ashamed of our bodies natural digestive functions. Intestinal gases, whether they are expelled from the penthouse or the basement are a sign that our bodies are in working order. We shouldn’t be ashamed of the wondrous machine that the human body is, unless you have eaten a red bean eggroll wrap filled with curry cole slaw and a gotdamned milkshake. You should keep that shit over… There.

    BILLY X. SUNDAY is not an accredited physician, nor does he hold a high school diploma.

    Big Thangs Piping…

    Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

    piper

    PIPER CARTER is one of my muses. She is a cool little Black hippie chick with an eye for fashion and beauty. Homegirl just took the next step to becoming the female GORDON PARKS ROY DeCARAVA.

    Vh-1 has a new Celebreality show called ‘The Shot‘ where aspiring fashion photographers vie for a chance of a lifetime position shooting for some high falutin’ fashion something or the other. I need y’all to send your prayers up to heaven for PIPER.

    Plus she’s just too cute not to win.

    piper