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Transformers 3-D: Dark Of The Moon is in movie theaters as we speak. I know this because I went to a paid screening of the film last night even tho’ promo posters say the movie opens on Friday. This early opening could be the new method for studios to tout how much their blockbuster films have grossed for the opening weekend.

Frankly, this third installment of Transformers will need all the help it can get to recoup what has surely been a mammoth publicity budget along with the underwriting that has computer generated mechanisms destroying two(2) major U.S. cities. With all the money that was spent to produce this film unfortunately none of that guap went to the writing team.

I’m not going to tell you NOT to see this film because this is what a 3-D flick should look like. The film is day-glo bright, uber bombastic and constantly blowing up everything that moves into smithereens. The ten year old who lives in my heart enjoys these things immensely. Throw in a dinosaur or shark and he is in heaven. As a matter of fact, he was in heaven because they assigned all the Decepticons ‘shark moufs’.

The movie however is not child’s play. The violence isn’t meant to be implied. We don’t just see machine dismemberment we also see humans crushed and killed in the chaos. Don’t bring your ten year old to see this movie unless you also get high with your ten year old (which might also be too cool of you, from a parental standpoint).

I imagine this is Michael Bay’s final installment at the helm of this franchise and he doesn’t make any new friends on his way out of the door. I just hope Hasbro toys keeps the franchise poppin’ with possibly some prequels or does like DC Comics and revisions the entire concept. I always felt like the best storyline was some type of Cain and Abel shit with Megatron and Optimus Prime both being brothers vying for control of Cybertron.

The way the movie plays out now is on some campy cornball shit. Like comparing Adam West’s Batman to Christian Bale’s version. Except the Transformer’s franchise hasn’t given us Dark Knight depth yet. Transformers 3 was a nearly 3 hour product placement bonanza. In 3-D. There wasn’t a can of sodypop that wasn’t placed in the center of the screen for recognition and then removed. Maybe this is how Michael Bay pays for all of his explosions?

What else are you gonna do with your time this weekend especially if shit is a thousand degrees outside? Go treat yourself to Transformers 3-D and enjoy a bit of revisionist history along with some out of control commercialism. You are an American and you deserve it. And don’t forget to yell out “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” at the end of the movie as I did in salute to all the Defense Department resources reallocated for the making of this film.