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Whitey On The Moon…

Friday, October 9th, 2009

pet rock

Gil Scott-Heron – ‘Whitey On The Moon’

I wonder how many other people got gaffled with these pet rocks the US State Dept was handing out?

The National Administration for whatever S and A stand for is talking about shooting missiles at the moon in order to kick up some dust so the rocks can be examined for signs of water and other minerals. You know, the type shit niggas would do if they owned any REAL moon rocks.

The moon walk may be faker than the hair BeYonce wears to the B.E.T. awards but you know what shit was real live and direct? John F. Kennedy getting killed on television. Stop asking questions about the moon if you know what’s good for you. And even if you don’t know what’s good for you button your lip for the rest of your family.

Posted in Talking Shit | 2 Comments »

BILLY SUNDAY’s Guide To Black Women’s Hair…

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

ebony3

Editor’s note: A DP.com Martin Luther King Jr Holiday Weekend Black History Month classic…

In a few weeks we will all be under siege with another 28 days of Black Bullshit. Some of you take advantage of Black History Month to learn the names of some of your jig co-workers. That’s nice of you.

As a preemptive public service I thought we should create a guide to help people learn more about Black women according to the hairstyles they wear. The thing about Black women is that each different hairstyle comes with its own prerequisite attitude and lifestyle. This handy guide will help you choose a comparable Black female friend based on the style of her hair, and the best part is that she won’t even know how you knew so much about her.

THE SKEEBALL
I took this name from Byron Crawford because it’s so apropo. Skeeball head chicks are always unbalanced. Heaven forbid you are trying to get close to a bi-racial skeeball head girl. These chicks have too many issues to even begin to wrap your head around.

THE UPCHUCK
Sometimes this style looks like a mini explosion at the back of someone’s head, but I think it’s meant to look somewhat Euro-casual. If the Black chick that has this hairstyle also wears a shaggy off the shoulder sweater I think you can trust her because she evidently doesn’t get out too much.

THE LIL’ BRO
When the skeeball starts to grow back in hopefully the girls mind is also returning. By the looks of this sister and the rack she’s holding I would be down to talk some ‘Free MUMIA’ bullshit with her in the chance of scoring some pro African poon.

THE CURLY LIL’ BROHAM
Here’s a look at the wet side of the Lil’ Bro style. Remember that girl group TOTAL? The lead singer had this haircut and she wasn’t gay after all. At least I don’t think so. Girls that sport curly lil’ brohams are cool to hang out with, but make sure you let them know from jump street that they have to pay their own tab. These chicks are saving money on styling by wearing this hairstyle so they can afford to pay for their own dinner.

THE CRAZY LIL’ BROTHER
The name says it all when you meet one of these chicks. She’s one of those broads that had one of those ‘horrible’ long term relationships. She’s just getting her shit back together after a small stint in the pysche ward. Inside she’s a nice girl, but everything you say reminds her of the last dude. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have sex with her. She will stalk your azz.

THE UNEMPLOYABLE
Sometimes known as the W.I.C. check. Whoever wears this style I can guarantee you they don’t have a job or their own business, unless you call braiding hair in your kitchen ‘ghetto entreprenuerism’. The other thing that I can almost assure you is that this woman’s name has way too many vowels. Something like Starrkeysha.

THE SELF-EMPLOYED
When you see this hairstyle you should understand the ambition that is contained in the wearer. She is a driven hard worker and she owns her own business. The question though is how many people want macrame knitted clothing? Not too many. If she could pore her energy and focus into a commodity that people wanted then maybe she might have enough money to pay for her own movie ticket.

THE STRIPPER BRAIDS
This is what being self-employed is all about. Nobody tells her where to go or when to come (pun always intended).

THE O.G. FINGER WAVER
I’d like to act like I don’t have an aunt that has this hairstyle, but I’m sure there is someone in Petersburg, Virginia related to me wearing this ‘do.

THE BLONDIELOCKS
Whenever I see a lady wth her hair bleached out blonde I just shake my head. I don’t have conversations with these women because I imagine that their sensibilities and politics are all jacked up. Who was the one that told them their hair looked better blonde? And why did she believe them?!?

THE BOYGIRL BOY
Quick message to parents… Stop making your sons look bitchmade with long hair. They’re boys and they aren’t supposed to be cute.

THE DOOBIE WRAP
This is what you want to get next to fellas. Everything about this female is right on point. Long pressed hair, nice smile, and uh, nice kerbangers. You see she has a nice little fat on the back of her arms too so you know she can cook. I say bring some fried boneless chicken breasts over her house and a bottle of Reisling wine. When you get this sweet tender thing just a little drunk she will go down in you. At least that’s what her hairstyle is telling me.

THE DOOBIE DON’T
Anytime you come across a chick with her style this tight my advice would be to leave her alone because she is gonna cost way too much money to keep up her hair and trust me all she thinks about is her hair. She’s in love with her hair because everyone compliments her on it. Her hobby is her hair. Her baby is her hair. If she has a child it is getting fed after her hair.

THE BLANGE DOOBIE
Black women love to dye their hair this wild color that combines auburn and blonde streaks. I have taken to calling this hyrbrid hue Blange (pronounced blahnj). The really excessive women will also dye their eyebrows and try to match up their lipstick. You can’t tell her she isn’t fly either. She parlayed her community college experience into a civil service job and she balls out in Miami Beach every Memorial Day (yawwwn).

THE LION QUEEN
Speaking of civil servants, let’s not forgot the wearers of the oversize box braids at the office. I wonder sometimes if actual African people look at Black Americans and laugh on the inside.

THE SHIRLEY TEMPLE DREAD
Blue contacts? Nose earring? Looks like another charity case if you ask me.

THE NON-PROFIT
Figuring out someone’s profession from looking at their hairstyle is one of my talents. This style is worn by most of the Blacks that have graduated from historically Black colleges and universities and now work at one of the countless educational and non-profit endowments that have been established to give these people with worthless degrees someplace to work. She shops at IKEA and makes you take your shoes off when you come in her house, but she smells so damn good its hard not to eat her up like a plate of collard greens and macaroni and cheese.

THE BONETURAL
Combining LISA BONET with the natural wet look is one of my favorite styles, but be sure you check the back of the girl’s scalp for the weave. You’d be surprised how many liteskinned ladies are imitation Indians. She told me she had some Sioux in her blood, but she really meant lawsuit. Too bad that I have a thing for the grey-green eye chicks because she was a grimey type broad to steal money out of your wallet when you were asleep.

THE SELF-UNEMPLOYED LIL’ UPCHUCK NON-PROFIT CURLY BLONDE DREAD
I know that I killed all the above women that had these elements in their hairstyles and the truth is that I’m sure they’re all really nice people once you get to know them. I just had to point out that the greatest thing about Black women has nothing to do with their hair. Their undeniable power comes from that space on their shoulder right where the neck comes in. It’s soft and tender and usually smells like some kind of fruit. As long as a Black woman has a clavicle she doesn’t really need any hair.

Posted in Black Bullshit, H.A.M., Lust = Love, Straight Laced, Talking Shit, When I Reminisce..., Wig Owners | 21 Comments »

Slowjam For The Day…

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

the fam

All of this corporate fuxery has me heated, so to cool down and chill out I play me a slow jam…

Posted in Talking Shit, When I Reminisce..., Wig Owners | 4 Comments »

RANT SOME?

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

Cosplay is cool and the whole nine and I even give dude props on the costume details but f’real tho’, anything less than beating the brakes off this bad little Baroness is teh ghey.

I decided to clip and paste some of my TWitter rants in a continuation of the discussion on the Candy Makes Criminals clusterfux. By the way, almond caramel clusterfux are teh sheet.

Come and hang with me on teh TWitters. My new TWit ID is called RANT_SUM because, well, obviously.

Posted in 5000, C.R.E.A.M., Harpers Weekly Review, HUFF YOU!, Ninjas, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Social Upheaval, Talking Shit, Wig Owners | 7 Comments »

C.Y.E. = Must See TV…

Monday, October 5th, 2009

cye

Curb Your Enthusiasm is the only thing you need a television for. That and Adult Swim. I kind of stopped fuxing with Curb after the whole KKKramer incident since it was obvious that those dudes were racist bigots, but there were so many funtimes I had with those racist bigots that I couldn’t stay away forever.

After getting up to speed with this season’s episodes we find that Larry is separated from his wife. For a minute he was dating Vivica Fox, who must have been introduced to him by Wanda Sykes. Larry and Vivica are broken up now because she thinks she saw him cheating on her. Larry is trying to get back with Cheryl now and the scheme he is hatching to do this is a Seinfeld reunion show.

Larry is still the most selfish person on the planet. Curb Your Enthusiasm is still the best show on the television. Watch the latest episode here. Shouts to the Internets Goon.

Posted in Hollyweird, Talking Shit, When I Reminisce..., white, Wig Owners | 8 Comments »

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Archive for the ‘Talking Shit’ Category

Whitey On The Moon…

BILLY SUNDAY’s Guide To Black Women’s Hair…

Slowjam For The Day…

C.Y.E. = Must See TV…

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