By now most of you have heard the story of JOHN HANSON who is pictured on the back of the $2 dollar bill. HANSON has often been cited as the first United States president since Congress had been newly formed and the Articles of the Confederation had just been drafted prior to his presiding over the office.
The other myth bandied about regarding HANSON is that he was a bit niggy. You know, slightly jiggy. Exactly like our current president-elect who is also slightly lightly niggy. If we are to believe the internets rumors regarding JOHN HANSON then BARACK OBAMA would not be our first almost jig president which could have a crippling effect on the OBAMA economic stimulus plan which I believe is to allow everyone to sell buttons and t-shirts with his likeness at street fairs.
To throw even more confusion into the Black president argument is the news that there may have been at least a half dozen other presidents who have had ‘one drop‘ in their bloodlines. The list includes THOMAS JEFFERSON, ANDREW JACKSON, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, WARREN HARDING, CALVIN COOLIDGE and DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER. There is a ring of truth to this rumor and I decided to examine these presidents for myself to see if I could determine their ethnicity for all posterity.
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THOMAS JEFFERSON We all know that THOMAS JEFFERSON kept time with a Black chick but so did that underwear model who dropped off inside of HALLE BERRY’s uterus. The real proof of Blackness to me is whether or not this president has a hardbody nickname and whether or not he hates Black people. No one has better nicknames than Black people, and no one hates Black people as much as other Black people. Nickname: T-Jay Hate for Blacks: High. JEFFERSON decried, “[t]he amalgamation of whites with blacks produces a degradation to which no lover of his country, no lover of excellence in the human character, can innocently consent.” All the while JEFFERSON dropped off several loads in a slave named SALLY HEMMINGS who may have been the half sister of his wife yet he never publicly acknowledged his offspring. Verdict: JEFFERSON’s slick nickname combined with his deadbeat dad status definitely makes him part niggy. |
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ANDREW JACKSON I’m not really surprised that ANDREW JACKSON was Black. There is a high school in Queens bearing his namesake that even Black kids are fearful to attend. I think that is JACKSON exerting his influence from the grave. Nickname: A-Jax Hate for Blacks: Meh. A-Jax was a nickname befitting this president since he was a god of war. Instead of placing his foot deep in the asses of the African chattel, JACKSON was too busy slaughtering the native Americans. Ever heard of the ‘Trail Of Tears’? That was JACKSON’s version of the Iraq War ‘Shock and Awe’. Verdict: JACKSON was a slave holder because it made him rich, not because he hated himself. Not jiggy. |
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ABRAHAM LINCOLN The fact that ABRAHAM LINCOLN freed the slaves should be proof of his lack of niggyness. Yes, his wife looks somewhat ethnic. That is more on the account of the hardscrabble life that people lived in those times. If you spent the entire day outside of the house farming you would look like her too. There were those rumors that LINCOLN might have been a DL brother. Nickname: Link Hate for Blacks: Meh. Just like BARACK OBAMA, the Blacks put LINCOLN into office. Not by voting though, but by being a political pitfall. Freeing slaves in 1858 = raising taxes on the rich in 2008. Verdict: LINCOLN was the prototype white liberal who only knew one Black dude. The guy that shined his shoes. |
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WARREN HARDING WARREN HARDING wasn’t a player but he definitely crushed a lot. He had several extra-marital affairs during his career in politricks. With my sincerest apologies to TONI MORRISON, MAYA ANGELOU and B.E.T.’s BOB JOHNSON, but BILL CLINTON fails because cheating on your wife doesn’t make you a Black man. Having Black family members usually does and HARDING’s cousins are hell’a Black. Nickname: Warren G Hate for Blacks: High. HARDING denied his family in order to get elected into the presidency. Verdict: HARDING died of a heart attack at the age of 57. He was blacker than Black. |
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CALVIN COOLIDGE Right on the heels of the fateful demise of Warren G we have another could be Black president. I remember this president mostly for the alcoholic beverage that used his namesake I enjoyed in my early teens. Good times. COOLIDGE presided over a government that turned its back to the machinations of greedy businessmen and ended up putting America into the Great Depression. Nickname: Cool Cal Hate for Blacks: Meh. Cash ruled everything around him (no Wu-Tang on the hook). Verdict: CALVIN COOLIDGE may have had cool in his name but his presidency was like school on Saturday night. No class. And definitely nah jiggy. |
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DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER Despite all the difficulties that Blacks were having stateside in this country EISENHOWER’s presidency was still an unprecedented period of capitalistic growth for America. Since this drop isn’t about America’s economic growth, but her spiritual ascension I should also note that EISENHOWER did sign the Civil Rights Acts of 1957 and 1960 into law. These two(2) laws were enacted to protect the voting rights of all citizens. Nickname: Ice D Hate for Blacks: Not so much. EISENHOWER championed the Brown vs. Board of Ed Supreme Court ruling. Verdict: Ice D wasn’t Black nor was he actually white. He was a military man which is some kind of greyish olive green. While EISENHOWER may not have been as progressive as he could have been with regards to civil rights of African Americans he did speak out against the burgeoning military-industrial copmplex. Not enough to get his ass merc’ked like KENNEDY, but enough. |
